I have thought that lots, and heard it almost as much in the last month and a half... but tonight it hit. The kids start school in the morning, and they are all dreading it. My friend put it best, they have been home with loved ones and people who know what they are going through, and now they have to get back into the real world. After taking time to comfort each one of them at some point this evening, I got them to bed and left. I had to get out, and have some time to scream myself. I was so glad when I got to the gym, and was the only one there. I ran for about an hour, and cried. was able to even scream a little... I see how much exercise helps my oldest son, who is most like me, but until I get back I forget how much it helps me as well.
I then took a drive, I have always loved driving, it was a good escape, I could scream and talk to myself, which has a way of working things out in my mind if I can hear them. Although this will never be entirely worked out. It is not fair I have to go through the rest of my time on Earth alone, it is not fair my kids have to go through it without their father, it is not fair. IT IS NOT FAIR!!!
Not sure why I keep repeating that single phrase, it doesn't bring any comfort, explanation, or comfort, it is just that, a statement. But there is not anything that makes sense right now. I think realizing life is not fair is the only thing I can justify we he is gone. I am feeling so lost lately, and nothing seems to help. I put on my fake smile and do my best to get through the day, mostly for my kids, but it is getting exhausting.
I was realizing that with this blog, as it gets easier my entries will be less frequent. That scares me a little, I want it to get easier... but hate the thought that I might not need this blog to remember him. I know I would never forget him... but I almost feel guilty hoping it gets easier...
