Today was a great day for good news for me. I got my school issues cleared up and will shortly be receiving my diploma for my AS in English. I got my Driver's License in the mail. I was so excited about both of those things, but couldn't tell the person I wanted to hear congrats from... Him. He was always my biggest fan... even if I wasn't as hopeful. I just want to hear him tell me he is proud, and that I did good.
The whole way home I tried to imagine his voice and what he would say... I feel like his memory is slipping, I can't quite picture his voice any more. I used to be able to imagine him holding me, how tall he was, where my head hit on him... it is harder to imagine each day.
I have gone longer and longer without crying. There have even been days in between, and when I think about how many days I feel a little guilty. I know I need to continue to move on... live my life to my fullest... even though it is now alone. But some days are so much harder... I am dreading his birthday more than anything... we would usually try to go somewhere for a night together, either for his birthday, or Valentine's since they are only a week apart.
I love my kids, but some days they can sure be brats some days. When they would fight me or argue with me... any kind of lack of respect... I could call him. He would talk to them much calmer then I could and tell them to respect their mother. I have no back up any more... so I feel mean all the time. And I can't simply talk and reason with them in a calm voice... I yell... now he had his grouchy moments as well, but we balanced each other out.. .I miss that.
I am so sick of people bringing up remarrying, or subtly suggesting a set up. Where do they get off assuming I would even want to? I just want to snap at them and ask why they think they could even suggest that? Now I do know I tend to over analyze things, which I very well may be doing... but it would be so much easier to get through this grieving period if I didn't have to deal with insulting assumptions.
I miss him. I ache so much, and I feel like I need to hide it a little because I want so much to be strong for my kids... I make certain they know I am hurting as well, but I don't want them to see me broken by it... how are they going to be able to recover from it if they think I am not? I know they need to know I am missing him as well... but I need them to see me strong... not broken by it. I think there is a difference. I am not broken... but some days I feel close to it... today was one of those days.
