I am not exactly sure what I want to write, I just feel like writing while i have a minute before I need to leave for work. I hate sitting alone in the quiet knowing he is not here anymore. I hate knowing he will never come through that door again. I hate dwelling on his last days, and looking at the things I regret, but I do. I do sit where and wish he would come through the door, I do sit here and wish I knew he was just at work. I used to call him during the day and when he would answer with his "How can I help you?" I would just smile and say you did... I just needed a smile today, and hearing your voice gave it to me. I wouldn't ever be able to make smile self smile with a simple phone call for a long while now.
I know I am only 2 months out on my HUGE loss, but even still in that short time I have realized a few things. I won't ALWAYS be sad, I will ALWAYS miss him. I will get through this, I have to for my children. I know it will be very tough and there will definitely be days that are tougher than others, but I will get past the hurt, and live a happy life again.
I have my kids who will keep me happy, and right now that is the thing that has been the most painful is seeing them hurt. He loved his kids so much, there were many nights he turned down hanging out with friends because he wanted to be with the kids. I preferred a quiet day of fishing with our oldest, to a going out with friends any day. He would complain about driving the kids here and there, but would come home and tell me how nice the one on one time with the kids were on their way to the various activities.
I hate thinking about how we would plan our lives "after the kids" were grown. We always figured we had started young so we could have the later years together. I was downtown the other night, we would go to the ballet often, while we were dating, and after we were married. Parking downtown was tough, and after the show leaving was even tougher. We discovered a trick. We would pay to park in a parking tower directly east of the theatre, and go to the very top, there were very few cars, and when it was winter, the light dusting over the city was beautiful and we would stand there and look out. Then we would fool around a little in the car while we waited for the rest of the cars to leave, when we were finished, there was no waiting for cars to leave, and we could go home with out being stuck waiting.
I loved doing silly things with him, being romantic and such. There was one night, and he was stuck working late, we had been fighting the day before, and I hate that, so I wanted to hurry and end it. We only had one car, so I had to go pick him up. I took off all my clothes and got his army trench coat on, and picked him up from work, being certain to show him a little extra leg. Needless to say, we took a little longer getting home, and we were no longer fighting. I miss that. Trying to find different ways to end our arguments, trying to tease him a little, and move him out of his comfort zone, which was NOT easy to do. I loved embarrassing him, he did it to me frequently, so any chance I could to embarrass him I embraced... We both knew each other well enough to know it was all in play.
This has become a memory post, and I didn't mean for it to. I have tried to keep this blog very general, so as to help others grieving too. But I think the memories are an important part of grieving, they help you get through it, they help you remember the good times, and give hope that you will have good times again, even if you have to get through the painful times first... Just like when we would fight... I didn't mind the fighting, even when it hurt, knowing we would make up... and could have fun doing so.
