If I were to describe my ups and downs with a line graph chart, you would be pretty proud. I think I have had several more ups then downs since his passing. But it is not at the downs when I miss him most. It is when I am so proud of the kids and want to share it with him. It is when I got good news and I want to tell him. The downs are usually my close to breaking points, I have luckily only had a few of those... and to be honest it surprises me, and scares me a little, too. Like I know they should be coming, but they haven't yet... so when will they?
It has been a hard week. Yesterday was going okay until my bosses husband came in to check how their son's appointment had got. It brought back a rush of memories. His concern as he called to check on billirubin numbers on our newborn son. The dropping everything to come home for sick kids. The countless times he insisted on taking kids to Dr. appointments because he wanted to be involved. He was always right there for the kids, even before we had them.
I remember him wanting to go to the mall right after it was decided we were getting married, silly girly me thought it was to buy my wedding ring... no, he wanted to get baby clothes. As much as he was for the kids, I always knew I was number on in his life.
I was filling out my application to transfer to the university I am attending and it really hit. It asked for my marital status, I automatically went to mark married, when the sight of widowed reminded me I am in a new marital class. What an unpleasant reminder. I hate that heavy word.
I am hoping it is only because of his approaching birthday the days seem harder lately. The kids want to stay home from school... but I need my alone time with him that day... I will definitely include them in visiting him, but I need my time with him first so I can be strong. I am going to get a german chocolate birthday cake, his favourite, and buy a gift for him for the family... he was always SOOO big on family, and it is what we were planning for him and our oldest anyway.
I think the ache is filling with kids stuff and love from friends, then silly things rip it wide open again. That is when I hit those lows. While there are several highs, they are also the times I miss him most. When I graduated, I was already sad my mom wouldn't be here, and he told me she would, and he would be there with me... but now he is gone with her... and I did graduate, and he won't be there cheering me on so I can hear him.
I am so grateful for this writing outlet. It has helped more than anything I think. Somewhere to say exactly what I want, go back to review my memories of him, and cry as I write it. I feel like the tears come two ways lately. I used to be able to hold it in until I got into the shower, but lately those showers are too quick, and the tears won't come. So either something unexpected sends me into sobs when I least expect it. Or I can post all my thoughts and feelings here, get my cry in, and be able to handle the unexpected a little better. I hope that this blog helps someone going through the same as it has helped me. I started it private, but me who is rather full of herself likes the idea of others reading it too. If you are one of those going through loss, my best wishes to pull through your tough times as best you can. If it is someone that knew him, I hope that reading my memories of him helps keep your memories of him vivid as well. If so please take a minute to jot down some of your memories of him and send them to me, I love hearing about him through others. If you are here to support me, and I hope this helps you know what I am going through., and most important, thank you for being there for me.
