Alone

I hate being alone. I hate having to do the work of two parents alone. I hate having to remember everything. I hate forgetting things. I hate having to take care of the cars. I that I have to figure out dinner. I hate that not only do I have to do the things I always did, I have to do the things he did as well. I feel like I never have time for myself anymore... I still have great friends that pull me away, to get me out for the night. But where is the me time, while he spend time with the kids? I used to love weekends where he would the kids fishing so I could have some quiet time... now the quiet time I get is just crying... not relaxing. I hate that I have to enforce all the rules, with out back up... no being the nice guy any more. I am tired of the kids pushing me... especially on things they never would have dared. I hate that it is almost his birthday and he will not be here to celebrate with us. I hate this SOOO much. I hate not having him here. I hate people comparing it to divorce... while divorce sucks... they are still here. They are still available if needed. HE IS GONE. I AM ALONE. THE KIDS WILL NEVER SEE HIM. You can offer advice if you are a single parent, but please don't compare... my husband didn't leave us, he died. My husband would want to still be here for his kids. I would not have to be alone if he had a choice. I appreciate the offers for help... but they can only help so much... Please don't think I am ungrateful, or unsympathetic... just hurting.