His approaching birthday...

If I were to describe my ups and downs with a line graph chart, you would be pretty proud. I think I have had several more ups then downs since his passing. But it is not at the downs when I miss him most. It is when I am so proud of the kids and want to share it with him. It is when I got good news and I want to tell him. The downs are usually my close to breaking points, I have luckily only had a few of those... and to be honest it surprises me, and scares me a little, too. Like I know they should be coming, but they haven't yet... so when will they?

It has been a hard week. Yesterday was going okay until my bosses husband came in to check how their son's appointment had got. It brought back a rush of memories. His concern as he called to check on billirubin numbers on our newborn son. The dropping everything to come home for sick kids. The countless times he insisted on taking kids to Dr. appointments because he wanted to be involved. He was always right there for the kids, even before we had them.

I remember him wanting to go to the mall right after it was decided we were getting married, silly girly me thought it was to buy my wedding ring... no, he wanted to get baby clothes. As much as he was for the kids, I always knew I was number on in his life.

I was filling out my application to transfer to the university I am attending and it really hit. It asked for my marital status, I automatically went to mark married, when the sight of widowed reminded me I am in a new marital class. What an unpleasant reminder. I hate that heavy word.

I am hoping it is only because of his approaching birthday the days seem harder lately. The kids want to stay home from school... but I need my alone time with him that day... I will definitely include them in visiting him, but I need my time with him first so I can be strong. I am going to get a german chocolate birthday cake, his favourite, and buy a gift for him for the family... he was always SOOO big on family, and it is what we were planning for him and our oldest anyway.

I think the ache is filling with kids stuff and love from friends, then silly things rip it wide open again. That is when I hit those lows. While there are several highs, they are also the times I miss him most. When I graduated, I was already sad my mom wouldn't be here, and he told me she would, and he would be there with me... but now he is gone with her... and I did graduate, and he won't be there cheering me on so I can hear him.

I am so grateful for this writing outlet. It has helped more than anything I think. Somewhere to say exactly what I want, go back to review my memories of him, and cry as I write it. I feel like the tears come two ways lately. I used to be able to hold it in until I got into the shower, but lately those showers are too quick, and the tears won't come. So either something unexpected sends me into sobs when I least expect it. Or I can post all my thoughts and feelings here, get my cry in, and be able to handle the unexpected a little better. I hope that this blog helps someone going through the same as it has helped me. I started it private, but me who is rather full of herself likes the idea of others reading it too. If you are one of those going through loss, my best wishes to pull through your tough times as best you can. If it is someone that knew him, I hope that reading my memories of him helps keep your memories of him vivid as well. If so please take a minute to jot down some of your memories of him and send them to me, I love hearing about him through others. If you are here to support me, and I hope this helps you know what I am going through., and most important, thank you for being there for me.

good news/ bad day

Today was a great day for good news for me. I got my school issues cleared up and will shortly be receiving my diploma for my AS in English. I got my Driver's License in the mail. I was so excited about both of those things, but couldn't tell the person I wanted to hear congrats from... Him. He was always my biggest fan... even if I wasn't as hopeful. I just want to hear him tell me he is proud, and that I did good.

The whole way home I tried to imagine his voice and what he would say... I feel like his memory is slipping, I can't quite picture his voice any more. I used to be able to imagine him holding me, how tall he was, where my head hit on him... it is harder to imagine each day.

I have gone longer and longer without crying. There have even been days in between, and when I think about how many days I feel a little guilty. I know I need to continue to move on... live my life to my fullest... even though it is now alone. But some days are so much harder... I am dreading his birthday more than anything... we would usually try to go somewhere for a night together, either for his birthday, or Valentine's since they are only a week apart.

I love my kids, but some days they can sure be brats some days. When they would fight me or argue with me... any kind of lack of respect... I could call him. He would talk to them much calmer then I could and tell them to respect their mother. I have no back up any more... so I feel mean all the time. And I can't simply talk and reason with them in a calm voice... I yell... now he had his grouchy moments as well, but we balanced each other out.. .I miss that.

I am so sick of people bringing up remarrying, or subtly suggesting a set up. Where do they get off assuming I would even want to? I just want to snap at them and ask why they think they could even suggest that? Now I do know I tend to over analyze things, which I very well may be doing... but it would be so much easier to get through this grieving period if I didn't have to deal with insulting assumptions.

I miss him. I ache so much, and I feel like I need to hide it a little because I want so much to be strong for my kids... I make certain they know I am hurting as well, but I don't want them to see me broken by it... how are they going to be able to recover from it if they think I am not? I know they need to know I am missing him as well... but I need them to see me strong... not broken by it. I think there is a difference. I am not broken... but some days I feel close to it... today was one of those days.

Grief Counseling

I have been undecided if this was a good thing or not for me to take the kids to. My worries about it being around people who have been "stuck" in a sense and not moved on in their lives in a positive way, I do not want it to send the kids in a depression... 3 of them are after all teenagers and prone to that anyway. I have encouraged it because I have thought it would give me a feel on whether or not they were coping. It has been a fight with my oldest, the one I think might benefit the most from it, and perhaps that is my biggest dread... that he will resent me for it.

So last night I took them all, and left with doubts still in my mind. There were a couple people who seemed, very depressed there, and almost stuck in the mourning of their loved ones, and then a few who like us it was still recent, but they were looking positive at their loved ones life and moving forward with their own. We were on our way home and my oldest, who pretended to sleep through the whole thing asked about something discussed by the counselor. I twas benefiting him as well.

When I got home I had found a link my sister sent me about a new "grief" center designed more with kids and families in mind. I signed up for information on that because I think it will be best for the kids... the important info they can use to better themselves, with out the others stuck and not ready to move forward in their own lives.

Unsure...

I am not exactly sure what I want to write, I just feel like writing while i have a minute before I need to leave for work. I hate sitting alone in the quiet knowing he is not here anymore. I hate knowing he will never come through that door again. I hate dwelling on his last days, and looking at the things I regret, but I do. I do sit where and wish he would come through the door, I do sit here and wish I knew he was just at work. I used to call him during the day and when he would answer with his "How can I help you?" I would just smile and say you did... I just needed a smile today, and hearing your voice gave it to me. I wouldn't ever be able to make smile self smile with a simple phone call for a long while now.

I know I am only 2 months out on my HUGE loss, but even still in that short time I have realized a few things. I won't ALWAYS be sad, I will ALWAYS miss him. I will get through this, I have to for my children. I know it will be very tough and there will definitely be days that are tougher than others, but I will get past the hurt, and live a happy life again.

I have my kids who will keep me happy, and right now that is the thing that has been the most painful is seeing them hurt. He loved his kids so much, there were many nights he turned down hanging out with friends because he wanted to be with the kids. I preferred a quiet day of fishing with our oldest, to a going out with friends any day. He would complain about driving the kids here and there, but would come home and tell me how nice the one on one time with the kids were on their way to the various activities.

I hate thinking about how we would plan our lives "after the kids" were grown. We always figured we had started young so we could have the later years together. I was downtown the other night, we would go to the ballet often, while we were dating, and after we were married. Parking downtown was tough, and after the show leaving was even tougher. We discovered a trick. We would pay to park in a parking tower directly east of the theatre, and go to the very top, there were very few cars, and when it was winter, the light dusting over the city was beautiful and we would stand there and look out. Then we would fool around a little in the car while we waited for the rest of the cars to leave, when we were finished, there was no waiting for cars to leave, and we could go home with out being stuck waiting.

I loved doing silly things with him, being romantic and such. There was one night, and he was stuck working late, we had been fighting the day before, and I hate that, so I wanted to hurry and end it. We only had one car, so I had to go pick him up. I took off all my clothes and got his army trench coat on, and picked him up from work, being certain to show him a little extra leg. Needless to say, we took a little longer getting home, and we were no longer fighting. I miss that. Trying to find different ways to end our arguments, trying to tease him a little, and move him out of his comfort zone, which was NOT easy to do. I loved embarrassing him, he did it to me frequently, so any chance I could to embarrass him I embraced... We both knew each other well enough to know it was all in play.

This has become a memory post, and I didn't mean for it to. I have tried to keep this blog very general, so as to help others grieving too. But I think the memories are an important part of grieving, they help you get through it, they help you remember the good times, and give hope that you will have good times again, even if you have to get through the painful times first... Just like when we would fight... I didn't mind the fighting, even when it hurt, knowing we would make up... and could have fun doing so.

Sharing

A good friend called me the other day telling me she had gotten the job she applied for, I hung up and wanted to call Him and share the good news... I miss having someone to share my excitement with. I hate not being able to call him and tell him something he would be excited about with me.

I hate watching Harry Potter now... He and I would fall asleep watching them, he needed some background noise going on and it was fun to discuss it and compare the movies to the books. I liked discussing things with him because we would both have such different insights into the same thing. In college we took a humanities class together and both did a paper on the movie Braveheart... he loved the action, and battle scenes, I loved the reason behind his fight... the love story. I miss talking about things with him.

Each week we would go pick up a couple new videos, an older one and a new one, tried to build up our video collection. I need a few new videos to watch, but I hate coming across ones I know he would like, because I am then torn whether or not to buy it... it is one he would love, and remind me of him... which could be good or bad some days.

Last night I was so sick, throwing up, the first time since I lost him. He would always pamper me, and take care of me. run a hot tub, get me cups of gatorade, rub my back, just take care of me... thinking about how much I missed him I was feeling guilty He had been so sick lately, and I just kinda accepted it, didn't go help or take care of him like I used to. He would push me away, say go back to bed etc. But why would I do that if I loved him?

Scars...

I have 2 visible scars I hope will never fade. The first is from about a week before he passed... we were messing around in bed, and something scratched my stomach... I teased him he owned me big time, he scarred me for life. I never realized how true that statement would become. It was a simple scratch across my stomach, but it has remained discoloured, and permanent. Then about a week after he passed a I tripped coming in the door... my kids saw me, and yes it hurt, but even more I was embarrassed... I laughed. It was the first time I truly laughed since he had passed. There was only one mark, a bruise on my arm, with a small scratch inside it, and the scratch again has become discoloured and permanent. All growing up I hated my scars, I think because I always scarred so easily. He loved his... Never missed an opportunity to share how he got them, a trait I am glad our son has.

Scars are like everything else in life, and opportunity to learn, and a reminder. A wise friend told my daughter that losing her father was like a wound, for a while it will hurt continually, but eventually heal, but the scab is easily scratched for a while and the hurt comes back, but eventually it will scar, never completely healing, but easier to deal with the pain.

He left many marks on me... and I don't think some of them will heal for a long time. Most of these being my guilt. I have made myself sick with regret about things I may have done to prevent this, but I have to realize I can't dwell on that... we have 4 children to raise, and I need to be at my best for them, but tearing myself down at every opportunity to torture myself with an unchangeable past.

I have to cling to the hope that I will see him again, we will be together again, and my scars will eventually not be so painful.

Cry...

I am the one who is always teased for crying at the drop of a hat. My nickname given by a dear friend is sniffles. I love sappy movies just for the good cry. But now, I feel like I will myself to let it out, and it won't come. I joked about scheduling my break downs so I could be stronger for the kids. But I have not been able to weep for over a week. I am not as numb as I have been since we lost him... but not "whole" or even close either. Just wish I could cry, I feel like there is still so much mourning of him to do... but it won't come.

I leak a few tears when I see my kids hurt, but even then, they dry up quickly. I feel guilty for not being able to express my missing him with tears. I have often wondered if there is a limit to the tears... have I used up my stock pile? will I have to store some more before they will finally fall? I think I have accepted his death... pretty quick considering. I realize the more I analyze the events leading up to his passing, I knew. I knew his time was almost up... I would have thought that realization would have brought me comfort, but it seems to bring me more pain... not tears pain. I feel my insides ache, that I may have known, and never had the chance to express all my feelings, and ask him things I wish I knew.

I think I prefer the tears to this pain... the tears seemed to bring relief as they were shed... while this pain just feels like it builds. Builds and piles up with every new realization... I only hope it is building more tears to relieve the pain a little.

Sleep

I have not had any kind of regular sleep pattern since He left. I never had the best to begin with, but now it is even worse. I wonder how I am even functioning some days. I got two nights of good sleep this week, I don't feel as guilty for sleeping without him as I used to, but I know when I don't sleep it is because he is not here. How do you go from having someone hold you tight and close all night to nothing? i moved the kids room into mine, I could only sleep on the couch anyway, the bed was too big, and the small couch seems to at least "hold" so not so open.

It's Not Fair...

I have thought that lots, and heard it almost as much in the last month and a half... but tonight it hit. The kids start school in the morning, and they are all dreading it. My friend put it best, they have been home with loved ones and people who know what they are going through, and now they have to get back into the real world. After taking time to comfort each one of them at some point this evening, I got them to bed and left. I had to get out, and have some time to scream myself. I was so glad when I got to the gym, and was the only one there. I ran for about an hour, and cried. was able to even scream a little... I see how much exercise helps my oldest son, who is most like me, but until I get back I forget how much it helps me as well.

I then took a drive, I have always loved driving, it was a good escape, I could scream and talk to myself, which has a way of working things out in my mind if I can hear them. Although this will never be entirely worked out. It is not fair I have to go through the rest of my time on Earth alone, it is not fair my kids have to go through it without their father, it is not fair. IT IS NOT FAIR!!!

Not sure why I keep repeating that single phrase, it doesn't bring any comfort, explanation, or comfort, it is just that, a statement. But there is not anything that makes sense right now. I think realizing life is not fair is the only thing I can justify we he is gone. I am feeling so lost lately, and nothing seems to help. I put on my fake smile and do my best to get through the day, mostly for my kids, but it is getting exhausting.

I was realizing that with this blog, as it gets easier my entries will be less frequent. That scares me a little, I want it to get easier... but hate the thought that I might not need this blog to remember him. I know I would never forget him... but I almost feel guilty hoping it gets easier...

Unsolicited Advice...

I made it to church today... I feel I need to go for the kids, I can't make myself focus on church yet, but I know the kids need it. I know people are giving me advice or relating stories thinking it will help... But I am NOT ready for it. I don't want to hear "god has a plan", "We may not understand", I am sad, I am mad, I had my best friend ripped from me, I do NOT need to hear what you think may help.

I need my space. If I hide in the bathroom, don't chase me down to talk to me, I want to be alone, hence the hiding. I am going to need my space, I am going to need some time, please don't think because I lost Him because he never woke up that I want to hear of everyone of your friends, cousins, or neighbors who lost someone that NEVER WOKE UP.

I there will be a time when I want to hear your advice and suggestions, but wait until I ask, or I seek you out. Please.

A New Year

I keep thinking this has got to be a better year, but how can it when it will be a year full of firsts without him? It has been such a tough week. Lack of sleep, kids off, first birthday without him, New years with out him to kiss at midnight, lots of accidental memorials. Songs, clothes, people, I am not sure which of those caused the hard week, or just contributed, but I am not dealing well lately. I hate not being the strong one, I always did. I was the strong one when I lost my mom... I am the strong one for the kids, and usually was even when he was around, but he was always my strong one... and he is gone.

It has been a year of lots of tears in the last couple months... and we are still in shock... I know this year is going to be full of tears as well. I just need to figure out how to be strong for the kids and still be able to grieve for myself. I have learned a few tricks... but none have been fool proof.

I try to keep it light, memories of him especially, it is what he would have done and preferred, although not always easy to do. It seems the funniest stories of him are the ones that break me. I also try to get myself dressed up each morning. Nice clean clothes, hair done make up on. It is easier to wipe up my tear stained face if the makeup is still there and minor touch-ups are all that is needed. I also try to "schedule" my break downs. If I get it out of my systems when I am alone, like in the shower... there seem to be fewer tears left to shed when I see one of the kids having an especially rough time... now I still tear up, and lose a few tears, but not the sobbing I would do before I learned this "skill"

So it is with a tear stained face I look at the screen and finish writing my welcome to 2011... I hope it will be better than the last, while our memories remain clear. I hope to see many family and friends who will help us get through our year of firsts, we will need them more than ever. I hope we will continue to feel Him guiding us as we try to make it through this life without him. So here is to big hopes for the new year. I love and miss you...