A tough kind of week...

I have been sick with a cold since his birthday, but the kids have been soo sick in shifts lasting 3 to 5 days, all of them with a lingering reminder of their bout with the flu, whether it be no voice, or a cough. The toughest thing about dealing with this flu bug is missing him. I have heard others suffering from this virus saying their husband's are whiny, and babies when they are sick. MY hubby was not, he would go to work sick the whole time, after being up all night sick. But he would be sick and take care of me... I would come home feeling sick... and he would be sick too... but he would have ran me a bath, and taken care of kids.

Now I love him, and I may sound like I idolize him a little now... which I am sure is normal when you lose someone... but he did have his faults... but who wantsa to be remembered for those? It benefits NO ONE.

One of my daughters friends lost her brother in law this week, leaving behind a young wife and children. WHen I heard this it brought back all those awful memories of him when he first passed. It reminded me how recent it still is, even though I have continually moved forward, when it hasn't been easy.

Then I also found a book from the library I have been reading... and I have very mixed emotions about it. I really like the idea and concept of it... I am just resentful of how it ends. It is about a man diagnosed with cancer, and he has young girls. He decides to gather some important men from his life to be his "voice" to his girls. I love the idea, and it has been very inspiring. I find myself wondering who in His life would be a good representation of his "voice" to his children. I cheat and read the last page of books all the time... (that way if it seems to end badly I can not read it and save lots of time... really it makes sense to me) But he survives it. WHich is great, but I recent that he went to this effort... and still is around for his girls... but my children don't have their father.

I haven't had any major break downs really, just silly things have been tough. Like my oldest son. We seem to clash more and more lately, and I NEED to figure out how to get through to him, and it is even harder because I KNOW He always could. I miss having a date night with him. Even if it was just to the grocery store for treats and a new movie at home. I have been able to get out and have a couple girls nights... but it is not the same. I hate being alone. And I know I am not alone, I have my kids and I know he is "with" me. But I still hate that feeling of alone.

I have realized how strong I am in this... But man I wish I didn't have to be. Just once I would like to be able to lean on him again, and didn't have to be so strong.

Grateful

There are always things going through my mind all day that I think I should post about or comment on... several times I wonder which blog I should do that... But lately I have just been grateful for all the help and support I do have. One night late in January when I had written lots (which is my main outlet for my grief) I just needed to hear from someone else who had been through such a huge loss... and maybe even young like me. So I went to the all knowing google. I found 2 sites in particular, a forum for young widows and a chat group for anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one. At first I found great comfort in them knowing others had gotten through it... but the more I searched the forum and hung out in the chat room I realized I am so blessed. Some of these online friends have no one in real life to support them, to lean on, to go to for comfort, or even just a good cry without judgement. I do. I have friends more than willing to come help clean my house at a moments notice. Willing to drop what they are doing and run my kids to one of their various activities. Willing to just listen and not judge, or think I need to move on if it is an especially difficult day.

I have said it before but it took me a long time to be able to ask for help when I need it... and I still find that hard sometimes.But I have gotten better at it. I am grateful for the listening ears in the chat room when it is late, and I just need to vent, and I hope I have in some way been a comfort to them as well... I am glad I have an anonymous forum to vent any of my frustrations and get feed back from others who may have had those same frustrations. But most of all I am so glad I have friends and family that are there for me, and not rushing my grief. Friends there for my kids, and stepping up when needed for extra support. Thank You.

With that I want to post a simple warning to anyone else reading this, who may be grieving as well... be careful. Don't get sucked into such grieving that you can't get out. I have found in some of my online searches for comfort, and even in some of the grief counseling groups I have taken my kids to, there are those who are grieving who have lost what is still here... life. They are so consumed in the loss of their loved one they cannot find the strength or the courage to move on. While the loss of my sweet husband is so consuming, and haunts me constantly, I have 4 beautiful kids to live positively for, I am still so young to be identified as a widow. I mention this because I do not want those I care about, and those who may find comfort in my writing to think I am stuck in my grief, that I have not embraced the life I still have, even though it is without my best friend by my side. Please in your time of grief do not be sucked into those people that thrive on their own and your misery.

The Little Things

I have found I am getting along pretty well on a day to day basis considering... don't get me wrong, I miss him horribly, and find myself just aching wanting him to hold me at night. but I am finding the things that seem to hit me hardest lately are the little things. He was SO smart, I find myself wishing I could call and ask him things I forgot, or I want his opinion on. He could name ALL the US presidents from memory in order. He could calculate numbers in his head quicker than you could enter them into a calculator, if we wondered anything about US history at work we would call and ask him. I hate that he is not accessible to me anymore.

He was all disgusting teenage boy too, he thought it was the funniest thing to fart in bed... and it would gross me out so much that many of our late night fights would be because he stuck everything up... What I wouldn't give to have him fart in bed... I don't think I would even complain.

My driving, he complained about my driving so much... even though I taught him how to drive. Every time I come to a stop sign I hear his voice in my head remind me to stop completely that the tires roll back.

I am the worst housekeeper EVER that was another sore subject between us... and keep wishing he would come get upset about the house... I might even clean it if it brought him back... I just miss him so terribly... and it seems there are so many little things that set me off. I am grateful for these small reminders, while they still hurt. I find myself watching TV shows he liked that would annoy me just because they remind me of him.

Thoughts...

In the last few weeks there have been many things cross my mind I have wanted to write about... but when I sit down to do so... the words don't seem to want to come. But I have a minute and want to get some of them down before I forget them.

First of all last week a huge sign from the kids that we are starting to get back to "normal" the kids played "slug bug" in the car... a game they would always play with dad... i am not sure why that was such a big breakthrough to me, but it was. It made me realize that we were going to be okay, and we would still continue with things he taught us, no matter how silly.

I am feeling guilty lately now to... I find myself feeling kinda needy... I will simply call people for the sake of chatting... not usually like me. I love to talk don't get me wrong, but I am not one to call to just chat. But I am so lonely I crave that adult conversation. Then I get irritated with myself when I find myself kinda flirty with guys... I think because it is such a part of me, and always has been... but I had him to flirt with. I am not on some warpath to find a new man by any means... I just miss that part of me. And I cringe every time I catch myself acting like that.

Lastly... crying. I was known as the girl who cried at the drop of a hat. Now I hurt so much, I wish the tears would come to simply ease the pain, as some sort of a release... but they don't. I really wish they would. I feel so hard... and it is not like me. I feel like I have been forced to toughen up since he has been gone, but I hate that my emotional, sensitive self has seemed to take a back seat. I understand going through something so huge like this will change someone... but I don't like it changing such a huge part of me. Sure I hated being teased about it, but it was who I am... now I feel so hard, almost callus. I know my close friends won't think that of me, but I feel that way deep down. I just want my sensitive, self back. And maybe I am numb still, and that is why I feel that way.

I have wondered lots if he thinks I am doing a good job with our kids. Getting all our stuff handled... then I get mad with all the shit he left me to deal with. I have had lots of people telling me I am handling this well, and how strong I am and how impressed they are... but I feel like i am just doing what needs to be done... Nothing spectacular or anything... I think they just feel like there is nothing more to say and they simply are glad they haven't had to go through this. I would never wish this on anyone, and I have heard of people that have gone through this that it made them stronger and they are grateful for that... and I feel like I have always been strong... this has just forced it to the surface... I just wish there had been another way to have done that with out losing him.

I miss him so much it aches... and I feel like some people underestimate the connection we had. We knew we were meant for each other from day one, he was one of th e few people I could truly talk to and be myself around. I have several friends whom I can be different aspects of myself self around... but none as free as him. There are always certain parts they won't know about me because I feel the need to shield it from them. I think I miss that about myself the most... but then I miss him so much, just knowing he is there, to hold me, or be there for me.

Tattoo

This is a confession of sorts, this post. On our sixth anniversary we got matching tattoos, our first. They were of the rose that was on our napkins at our wedding. They were both suppose to be purple, but the tattoo artist convinced him purple was NOT masculine, so he opted for red instead. He went on to get a few more, strength and honor across his back, sempre tentare (latin for try always) down his calves, the American flag with NO FEAR beneath it, and favourite up until his last, a tribal band with a purple heart in the middle with all the kids initials in it. He most recently got one a little over a month before he passed, it was the only visible one in his work clothes, jeans and a short sleeve button up shirt. It said, My Name "My queen, My wife, My love..." It is the last line spoken by the Spartan King in the movie 300. While he may have been looked down upon by some for his tattoos, they all meant something important to him, and he made certain they were personal, not showing, except his last one. I got one other tattoo, a daisy, before he passed. But if you know me, you know I have issues with odd numbers... so I have felt for a long time, I needed one more, my last one. I had actually talked about getting it before he passed, but he said he didn't want me to because getting your spouses name was bad luck... when I asked why he could break that rule he said you are my everything, I like this reminder of how important you are to me always visible. So I got my last tattoo for his birthday. It is the same words engraved in both of his rings I gave him, his promise ring after we dated a year, and his wedding ring. It says His Name, "Love Always," My Name. While I know that there may be some people who frown on this, especially since the church I belong do frowns upon it as well, I am very proud of this, and it means so much to me. It started as something we did, feeling a little rebellious, we were married so young and started our family so young, we were bound to have a few rebellious streaks, right? I like that both of our last tattoos were for each other. It was hard being there alone having it done without him, but I did it. All my tattoos are hidden, so it is something private for myself. I felt like he was so much a part of me, I wanted it to show. It was even a little symbolic the pain of it, having him not with me... but I know we will be together again...

What he thinks...

I miss discussing things with him, theories, movies, bad days at work, teachers we are having a hard time with at the schools... Sure I can talk about that with other people, but it is not the same. We would do it until late into the night. I miss him arguing a point, for the sake of arguing... then realizing he really agreed with me, and finally quitting. He loved music. I often hear a song and wonder if it would be one he would like... become a favourite on his play list. and of course I wonder what he would do if our circumstances were reversed. How would he be handling being alone? Does he think I am doing a good job with the kids?

I feel like with the loss of my love not only do I seem to follow the "stages of grief" I slip back into previous stages with new info, or unexpected memories... I feel like I have been on autopilot since last week... in that numb stage. At times I feel so broken... but the tears won't come. I know he is gone, but I feel like the exact memory of him is fading. I have a copy of his voice, but even when I hear it, it is not quite right. The pictures don't feel right either. They look like him, him who should be coming in the door around 7:00 after work.

Even though it has almost been three months, it still feels so unreal. I think when I am online late at night, I should hurry and get off, or Kris will start nagging me... I only wish he would. I considered picking up a set of earrings for him for his birthday... he was ALWAYS losing the balls on his. It was bitter sweet to sing Happy Birthday to him last night. Sure it is his birthday... but he is no longer aging... forever 33.

I am feeling SOOO alone lately, I find myself wondering if I will ever have someone to talk to that will care about silly things with me again... and really care. I know I have tons of friends and family, but they are not as invested as I am, or he was. They have their own families, their own homes. I am not wanting to remarry or anything... just don't want to be forever alone. My kids are there, and very supportive, but I miss Him.

Official...

It has been a tough couple weeks, knowing his birthday was coming up. But then silly things have made it harder. I hate getting all the tax info in the mail. The idea of filing and making it official that he is deceased is just too much. I know he is gone, why do I need to prove it to the government in writing? I am not looking forward to filing, return or not. It was hard enough to mark the widowed box on my college application.

Then to add to my tough week, I got a call from the mortuary with the official death certificates, it was like going through admitting he had passed again. The cause was not a surprise, I think I had known the cause all along. It was not either of his diseases that ultimately took him. It was the pain killers to help him that did. A little too much, in a bad combination.

I have not been able to tell anyone, that would be admitting the pain got to him, and he was so much more than that. It was hard enough to see it for myself, to have to tell someone would be hard on them and me... so I have avoided it. I finally can't seem to keep it in anymore, but I am not ready to talk about it, so here I am. I didn't want to withhold it from his loved ones, and I know they will be asking soon, so this is my way to avoid it. I only ask this, if you are wanting to know the details, please give me a couple days to digest it, file the taxes and paper work involved with life insurance, and come to accept what , if I am honest with myself... I already knew.

I have been doing okay, not great, but not broken still either. And I feel like this document has brought me back to the beginning again. I find though that I have flipped a little, I am wanting to sleep ALL the time. I have been so motivated in getting things done that have been needing to be done, but now I have no desire, no drive, and just want to curl up and cry... but the tears don't seem to come. I find I am feeling more and more alone. I have lots of friends and family for support... but it is not the same. Sure I can call and be excited about silly things... but they don't mean as much to them as they would him... no matter how much they want to. No one else is going to be excited about little things I am getting done on the house. Or the kids getting a good grade, or me having a great day... or the griping. I just want him to be there went I am SOOO mad about something, and he can vent with me, or side with me. Then at night I am feeling soo alone. I just want to have him hold me, or listen to me chatter about nothing. In one hour it will be his 34th birthday. We would have been the same age for a month...

Alone

I hate being alone. I hate having to do the work of two parents alone. I hate having to remember everything. I hate forgetting things. I hate having to take care of the cars. I that I have to figure out dinner. I hate that not only do I have to do the things I always did, I have to do the things he did as well. I feel like I never have time for myself anymore... I still have great friends that pull me away, to get me out for the night. But where is the me time, while he spend time with the kids? I used to love weekends where he would the kids fishing so I could have some quiet time... now the quiet time I get is just crying... not relaxing. I hate that I have to enforce all the rules, with out back up... no being the nice guy any more. I am tired of the kids pushing me... especially on things they never would have dared. I hate that it is almost his birthday and he will not be here to celebrate with us. I hate this SOOO much. I hate not having him here. I hate people comparing it to divorce... while divorce sucks... they are still here. They are still available if needed. HE IS GONE. I AM ALONE. THE KIDS WILL NEVER SEE HIM. You can offer advice if you are a single parent, but please don't compare... my husband didn't leave us, he died. My husband would want to still be here for his kids. I would not have to be alone if he had a choice. I appreciate the offers for help... but they can only help so much... Please don't think I am ungrateful, or unsympathetic... just hurting.