Rainy day...

Maybe it is the drizzling rain, or just the atmosphere that it seems to bring with it, but it is on days like this I really find myself missing Kris. I need to leave for work in 15 minutes, and yet I have been sitting here sobbing for 45 mins, when the kids all left for school. I just want him to be there for me, hold me tell me things will work out. I want him here to talk to the kids when they are struggling. I am not the patient one, he is. So then after crying uncontrollably for some time I decide to look at pictures, and cry more, then I play his voice clips, and cry more, and now I can't stop. I was already stressed, and I thought I had been doing good, then I have these break downs, and I just want him back. I think I trick myself, I tell myself I am doing good, to look at what I have accomplished, that I am being strong for the kids... but I think it is me trying to lure me into a false comfort zone so I can continue to fake it. Because I feel like these breakdowns (and while they have become much less frequent) are how I feel all the time... but I simply suppress the emotions that want to come out. Then I fell like this broken person pretending to be ok. I am good at this "OK" me. I have returned to school, and done pretty good, maintained my job, pushed the kids in their school, even made myself start to date (although the only one I have enjoyed is with a friend I have know for years, and knew I was comfortable with him). SO what is wrong with me? Do I sabotage myself with these breakdowns? Or is it because I try to restrain them I fall apart so completely when they hit? Last year I was given the opportunity to have family pictures done by a photo studio, I declined it because I was not ready see those family pictures, with a huge someone missing from them. They told me to call anytime when I was ready to do them, and I thought maybe this year I am ready... but this breakdown shows I am not. I have had several widowed friends recently remarry... and they were widowed around the same time as I was... and at first I think I am so jealous that they have found happiness again, but then I realize I am not ready... I don't want anyone except Kris... I began writing because I thought it would help sort out my thoughts and calm me down before work, but that has not been the case, I am still sobbing, and now need to leave (but get ready first)... I want to be done with this...

Am I an MIA Parent?

Lately I have not been doing good... not sure if it is because we are approaching the 2 year mark, or because I am the only person pushing to keep me from curling up and becoming a hermit, and I am starting to lose this battle... but I am not in a good place.

I sleep, ALOT, just not good. every free minute I can I take a nap. Before Kris passed it was a sign of me slipping into depression, now I justify it because I don't sleep well at night. At night I toss and turn waking up often, or just lay there trying to fall asleep until I realize I have been laying there for hours and it is now 2 am and I have yet to sleep. Then on weekends when work is done I come home and sleep, until I realize I haven't fed the kids, and don't even know where half of them are. I am sure the neighborhood thinks I am the worst mom since my youngest is out until late playing with lots of friends... My other ones come and go with friends, but when any of them are here it is usually watching tv or playing on the computer... I am certain because that is the example I am setting.

I don't claim to have been a perfect parent before, but I am much further from it than I have ever been, and rather than snapping me out of this funk, I find it pushing me further into it, giving up, figure why bother. I make excuses for myself, and they are bad excuses too... like justifying naps as I am just tired rather than the depression I am sure it is. A headache that until recently would have barely been a hiccup in my day (I have constant headaches for as long as I can remember) now seem to require all day in bed. I have no reason to clean my room since before it was because Kris cared, and now it is just me and I don't care.

I justify TV because I need that background noise, I hate the quiet. I hate who I am and who I have become. I miss people. I miss friends making an effort to check on me. I was never good at asking for help, or admitting I need it... but I got better when Kris passed because I had to for the kids. Now they have become pretty self sufficient and I let them, and don't ask for help as much as I should.

I have people offering help and asking what they can do for me... but I hate to admit failure in any aspect of my life, and I honestly wouldn't know where to ask anyone to start. Money is tight for us, but I am sure it is for everyone, and time is valuable, so why would I ask someone to give up their time? My house need to be cleaned, but how embarrassing is it that I have more than capable people here who just don't care enough to clean. (Don't get me wrong, our house is not filthy or anything, just needs some order). I guess I need a friend who will just check on me, and ignore my arguments of offers to help... but I think I push friends like that away.

I have so many different friends, my dance family friends, my family friends, ikea friends, neighborhood and ward friends, old school friends, but I feel like I am still missing such a huge friend with kris being gone. I miss someone caring about things I care about if only it is because I care about them that he cares... I miss having someone that cares about me that no matter how busy he may get, I know he will make time for me, I miss someone to hold me and care about me to stay with me for hours listening to my irrational stresses and insist it will all work out, I miss that friend who knew when to tell me to snap out of it when I was being pathetic...

Hair Dye...

This is going to be a strange post about one reason I miss my hubby...

A couple weeks ago I was with a friend who shaves his head bald like Kris did (well I did for him). He had nicked himself and I commented on how well he did despite that. He said he had gotten good at it by relying on feel. I joked and said Kris got good at it by asking me. He said I am sure he would be much easier with someone to help... and maybe it was more that personal touch and service from someone and to someone you care about. I had been reflecting on this off and on since then... I miss being of service to him... but tonight I realized I miss that service from him just as much if not more...

I have always been very blonde, until my youngest son was born when my hair went to a darker blonde. I lived with it for a while, but soon after didn't feel like myself... and since then I have had a love hate relationship with hair dye. I had highlights put in, low lights put in, and liked those ok, but the cost of up keep was a lot for a young broke couple with 4 kids... plus it wasn't my blonde self. So I talked to a hairdresser friend of mine about which bleach to buy for my hair. She gave me all the info and Kris and I both went to the beauty supply to get it and find out how to do it. We went home and I got the majority of my hair coated, but he helped finish up making certain I hadn't missed any spots, and it always came out well. Even the fun colours I would do to amuse myself, my kids, and my students for Halloween and summer, and any other holidays I could justify having pink or orange hair. (I even tried red and brown and black... but none of them suited me as well).

Tonight I tried again to bleach the roots of my hair and even it out from the last time when I missed spots. It still came out uneven. SO I decided to try my orange dye I had bought for Halloween to hide that fact. It still looks blotchy... but I am ok with it. It reminds me of who is missing. That while I do ok on my own, it will never be as good as it was with him.

Not myself...

I have come to the conclusion that while I try my best to put on the appearance that I am doing well, and I am back to my busy self after the loss of Kris... I am not. I am simply imitating how I want to be, but in reality, I come home and curl up and sleep. I have many obligations that I have committed myself and the kids too, and while I am very busy, I cling to the idea of just zoning out. I feel like I am always exhausted and I am always playing catch-up on something, whether it be money, homework, housework, kids things... I am always falling short. It is like I crave that sleep, zoning out time because I am unaware for that short time of how lonely I am, and how much I miss Kris... but when I am awake, I am so aware and I just want to forget or pretend it didn't happen. I am almost 2 years out from that horrible day... I thought I would be able to function better by now. I think I thought the support I had so strong from outside sources would still be there. I hate asking for helping, or even admitting I need it, and the first year, people would just help, and not wait for me to ask. Now I feel like I need help more than ever, and even when people offer I can't accept it, because I don't know what I need, or where to start. I am the one who can get everything done, who has a lot on her plate, who finds time to make that extra effort... but lately I can't make any effort for me or let alone anyone else, and I need to.

Hopeless...

I have been doing really great... and then it hit. That crushing feeling of hopelessness that seems to suck the very air you breath away from you as quickly as it can, leaving you gasping for that crucial life support.

It started earlier this week as kids were getting sick one by one... then it hit me. After caring for them, and being at their every need, I just wanted someone to do it for me, just a little.

Then came the day of a huge test, for I had some time to kill, and I just wanted to call Kris to hear some last minute words of encouragement... but there was no one I could call to kill that time, or hear those words. Then after the test when it resulted in such huge mixed emotions (scored really good and high, except on one section, and had to have at least 19 on each section, my bad one was a 17) I just wanted Kris to be there, to tell me it was ok. But he wasn't and I sobbed the whole way home.

Then today, I have a great interview and qualify for a job that will be my foot in the door for teaching, and no one to share in my excitement. I am suppose to attend a widow conference, and I feel like I am so pressed down with these feelings lately that I can't bring myself to go... so here I am crying.

I am tired of making big decisions, and money issues, trying to raise these kids right, all on my own. I feel like I get through one major stress and I have 50 more waiting for me to tackle them... and I can't do it anymore...

I just want to curl up in a ball and be done... I either do nothing but eat, or I am so overwhelmed I can't eat. I have gained so much weight I feel so ugly and self hating lately. I know I feel better when I make myself exercise, run, or dance... but between running kids everywhere I just don't have the time. I think if Bren and Tay would hurry and get their license it would help... but then I worry I can't afford the insurance... plus I would need a second car, which I can't afford either.

I am overwhelmed with homework and wonder frequently what they was was I thinking going back to school... but then I realize I need to do this to survive... but it is so overwhelming and I feel myself getting further and further behind.

My house seems to never be clean, I am never home to enforce the help I need, and when I finally am home they aren't so I try to do it myself but something else comes up, or I need to go somewhere.

It has almost been 2 years! Can't I be done with this yet? I want him back!

Missing him lots...

Lately I have been a wreck, every little thing seems to set me off. But at the same time I am finally to a point where I can remember something about him and not collapse in tears.

I found myself at the cemetery late last night. ( I seem to always go late, I feel I can yell and say anything without others hearing it.) My latest struggle has been feeling so alone. I am so grateful that I have my kids with me, but sometimes despite the fact that they are around, I feel so alone. I hate the nights the most. It dawned on me just last night that the reason I don't sleep well is because I hate falling asleep alone, I hate waking up alone. It is easier to try to stay awake.

I am also wondering if I am throwing myself into dating too soon. I wonder if my loneliness is more missing him, or just the company. I know I am trying to fill a void. Late at night I will search facebook, when I see a group of friends I havent seen for a while I will invite them to lunch, dinner, anything to have something to look forward to, something to get me out of the house. Plus if I plan it when the day arrives I HAVE to go, since I planned it. Other times when I get an invite when the day arrives, I want to crawl in my bed and avoid the world.

Who would have thought there would be such HUGE differences between the first year out and the second. (And not just because we have moved) The first year I had friends and family trying to get me out, keep me social, checking on me. This year I feel like I have to be the one driving me to get out. I feel forgotten. The first year people were expecting the emotions to be right there, this year when they hit me or the kids, I often hear quietly "Hasn't it been a while", or "Isn't time they move on" or just that look, the look that used to be pity, but now it looks more like they are rolling their eyes in their head.

Also I am tired of hearing that if this were to happen to them they don't think they would date again, or could date again, or some other form of I can't believe you are doing that. Well then I hope you are never forced into this awkward position. While I am a very independent person and always have been (Ask my aunt, one thing she said to me after I lost Kris was, "Independent Alli is going to have to learn to ask for help". The first year I got really good at asking for help. I was confident in what I was doing was right, and wasn't over stretching my budget or myself. But now I find I am in a new house with a rent 3 times what it was before. I have felt many times that it was the right decision to move here, and had lots of confirmation it was right, but I hate to ask for help because maybe I am wrong and I did overstep. But I do know it was right to not have a drastic move for the kids right now. They needed as little change as possible. So when things get tight, I hate to even ask... since in many ways I put myself in this position.

I also hate hearing that the kids need to go work, get a job, help provide. They were forced into such an adult situation far too young, why would I expect them to put themselves into another adult situation before they need to be? I get they need to help out, and they do when they can. My oldest has been mowing lawns and doing other odd jobs as needed. But he needs to focus on school right now and graduating... he shut down after his dad died and has lots to catch up on... so why would I add a job to his stress. He is learning to balance many things, like school, and extra curriculars like the ballroom team, wrestling, and dance, all of which will help get into a good college. My oldest daughter has been babysitting and pitching in whenever she can as well... but she needs to focus on school too. I appreciate the advice, but as far as how to raise our kids, Kris and I actually talked about it quite a bit, so I know what his wishes were.

I miss arguing with him... trying to prove a point only to find he totally agrees with me. I miss someone caring about stuff I like, even if he didn't. The other day I was looking forward to the showing of No Doubt's new video... I just wanted someone to act interested, take an interest in something I was looking forward too... do you think any of my four kids would watch it with me? Nope... now kris would laugh at me and tease me for being so excited, but he would watch it with me, if only to humor me. I want someone to care about things I am interested in again... even if it is attached with his usual comment, "you know I really don't care right?" I know he could care less about a scrapbook page I made, or a video I liked, or even my ideas for music for work... but he would listen and tell me he loved me, and liked how excited I would get about things.

I haven't physically hurt from missing him in a while, but lately I have been aching, I have just curled up in bed more and more lately. I need to get out and live again... but it is hard when I am feeling forgotten. The kids are great, but they have friends they prefer to be with friends... and then they are finally home spending time with me, but want my constant attention. "Do my hair" "rub my back" take me to my friends" "take my friend home" "can we have mcdonalds" rarely is it about me. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, or like I need some attention... but once in a while I do.

Healing...

In the past twenty months I have been on an emotional roller coaster that many days feels I am still riding. I have read articles, listened to advice from not only friends and family, but also those who have been on the ride, and still I struggle to find something that heals my wounds. Sure there are lots of band-aids that seem to hold myself together at the seam while I am trying to heal emotionally, but often something rips it off, revealing the wound, and reopening it, until I can quickly find another band-aid...

Some of the most common things that rip that covering off are seeing my kids miss their father, hearing friends complain about their spouse, hearing about parent's that have chosen to be absent from their kids lives, weddings, holidays, cooking, late sleepless nights, his favourite movie or book, or food... I could go on and on...

But what I wanted to focus on was what heals these wounds, and I want it known there will ALWAYS be a scar, he left a HUGE mark on our lives and that just doesn't "go away" as anyone who has lost a loved one can attest too, but there are things that heal the wound, not simply cover it, and I have learned the distinction between them as I ride this journey.

My band-aids for this past year, have been hiding in my house. Keeping overly busy with school, work. Driving, going anywhere but home where I again face the harsh reality that he is no longer there.  TV shows, movies, internet... media that benefits no one, but allows me to zone out far too often than necessary.

Recently I have realized what truly helps me heal. Devoting individual time with each of my children, it allows me a view into what they are feeling, and helps me stretch to find ways that helps us both. Spending time with genuine friends and family... not just "fillers' that fill a void. (Yes I have met a few of these, past friends who make it fill like the owe it to me or Kris, "dates" I have gone on, groups I fill like a third wheel being there.) Writing, I have realized in the past few months where I have done less writing I am feeling myself dip back into earlier days of these journey where I feel kinda helpless, and I have not been writing. Writing helps me see on paper how far I have come... help me see solutions to problems that before seemed hopeless... remember things about Kris that were special, and that I don't want to forget. I have also recently remembered how much I miss exercise, working out, anything that gets me moving and active. I always said I love ballet because it is an hour out of a full day where I am totally, selfishly focused on me and no one else... you can't let your mind wander or you will find and something out of place. While I have not gotten back to dance yet (because I feel I need to be a little more back to myself first) I have found I miss that "me" time. I need to devote time to bettering myself, not only for me, but for my family as well.

And then there is the list of things I avoid until I am further in on my journey... Harry Potter books and movies... Kris loved to read, so did I. These were one of the few books that we both loved. I miss nights talking about them, comparing them to the movies, speculating while we were waiting for the next installment. I have not been able to read them since he passed, when I would make it a point to read them once a year. I can't watch the movies... we would fall asleep to them discussing what we liked about them and didn't. (I did go see the 2 moves that came out since his passing, and bought them, but have only watched them the one) I miss shopping with him, he made a chore I disliked into a game in which I spent time with him... now I only do it when I absolutely must. Same with cooking, a chore he enjoyed, and one I still avoid... Cleaning. I have no one who appreciates the time it takes to keep it nice... so I don't bother. My room is a mess and the only one it affects is me... I wish I had him here to ask me to clean it. There are certain places I avoid because I only enjoyed them because I was with him, and he made it fun... Boondocks is the last place we spent our last anniversary. Fishing was his thing...a love he passed to the boys... but I can't go without crying... the mountains and camping... but I am determined to face that one in a month.

I am far from healed, and still have an open wound that needs constant protection... but it is healing and I am certain there will be a point in which it heals with a tender scar, and the need to constantly protect it from tearing open will be much lessened. But until then I am doing the best I can, and trying to find ways to heal... please don't forget me, and continue to be there when I need you... even if I forget what I need, and that I may need to ask for it.