It has been quite a while...

I am not doing as well as I had hoped I would this far out, 3+ years. While I am feeling empowered for things I have done on my own, bought a car, totaled a car and dealt with the aftermath, leased a car, moved, went back to school, taken vacations etc. I have fallen short in many aspects as well, my house is a wreck, I feel I am a poor example to my kids, I am behind in homework, I am constantly playing catch up with bills, I rarely cook, etc. Now look at the difference between those two statements, I freely claim all my so called inadequacies, but simply list my accomplishments with a preemptive "I". Why is it so hard for me to recognize when I do something good? Why am I so tough on myself? Why is it so hard to pull myself out of this depression I find myself constantly entrapped in? Why can't I find my personal happiness? I miss my husband so much, that when I hit these lows, or mess up something so royally, I blame it on my missing my husband. I am depressed because I miss him. I don't clean because no one appreciates it or encourages it. When am I going to be able to take full responsibility for my own accomplishments and happiness? I find myself constantly comparing years after my loss... the first I was just numb and managed to get by. The second was tough because I had to face everything with out the cloud of numbness. The third had it's ups and downs, while sometimes I had my high points, but then I would crash hard, making it tougher to recover and pull myself up. This fourth year has been much the same, but I want it to be my year, my year I rediscover myself. I don't want to continue to slip deeper into bad habits, but continue to climb my way back to the top, to a place where I know Kris would be proud of me, where I can be proud of me, where I can be a good example for my children. SO somehow I need to figure out how to do this, and set detailed goals to get there... I love making lists, why not make a productive one?