Triggers...

I wish I could pinpoint the triggers that would send me into a minor breakdown. It would make it easier to avoid them. I was told I keep myself busy so I don't have time to mourn. I think that is part right. I find it takes so much out of me when I do break down that it is easier to avoid it. And while I know many people are of the belief that it is okay for the kids to see me in hurt, I think hurting is one thing, but I don't want them to see me break down. That is when I myself give up hope, and want to simply curl up and cry, go to sleep and not wake up, and what good does that do for my children? TO see someone they need to look up to ready to give up? They have so much to live for (and I do realize I do to, but it is sometimes hard to face that fact when I am alone). They need to see me sad, and missing him, but not breaking down.

So today at work I had a little break down... not sure why it happens at the job I like least, but I was in the bathroom sobbing. Sobbing because I was looking at a picture of him on my phone. I miss how he felt, I miss hearing his voice. It has been over 7 months and I still have not washed his blanket he slept with, I go to sleep with it thinking it is him... but his smell is wearing off, and I know I need to wash it... but the thought of washing what is left of him on it makes me cry.

I just wish he was here... I miss him sooo much... I ache like a huge piece of me has been ripped out... and I know I will never get it back.

I survived

I survived what I think was the second hardest week of my life. It started with Father's day, which was tough, but I managed to get through it with minimum tears, and was able to be there for my kids. Then it was recital week. There were many times I almost lost it. He should have been there to help load the trucks, and watch the kids from the side of the stage, and play with all the babies there ( he loved babies)But he wasn't. He wasn't and it left such a huge gaping wound in my heart, that I thought had been slowly recovering. It is still so empty. However I survived it. I even got through my first couple of classes for my Junior year in college with hopefully passing grades, I don't know for certain yet.

Then it was the day I lost it. My dad's wedding day. He has remarried after being married for 32 years, and widowed for 3. I have very mixed feelings about this, but I can honestly say I am genuinely happy for him. But it was hard to be at a wedding without my husband, and even harder to be at my dad's after so recently losing my mom and Kris. I got through waiting outside the temple (I am from an LDS family, however have some unsettled feelings about God right now after losing my husband) okay, and even hugged my dad and stepmom(?) and told them congratulations, and that I am happy for them. Then they asked for a group picture... I lost it. I hate pictures lately, they can be divided between with him and without him. I ran off and let the tears fall after building up all week.

We are still missing him lots, as we always will. I can't get through more than an hour without thinking of something I wish he were here for, or realizing something he will be missing.

Father's Day...

(Look out long one coming at ya, it has been building for a while)

I am having the HARDEST time lately. I thought we were doing good, getting through as best we could, had a few minimal melt downs, then this day comes. This day to show our love and appreciation for our dad's, husband's, etc. I lost mine, my kids lost theirs. It is sooo not fair. I have felt so guilty because of all the years we kinda blew through the Father's day thing because of it being recital time (I teach dance and recital usually falls the week after dads day). He would be helping load the truck with props, finish last minute fixes, run to the store for last minute things I forgot, and all on his day to celebrate HIM. Sure he would complain, and I would just give him that smile and hug and tell him I love him, and he would grumble a lot... but he was such a great man he still did it. For me and the kids. I wish I had been better at making certain he knew how much we appreciated him.

I have always loved this time of year, since I was little. I loved being on stage and the center of attention, and recital time was made for me... and I loved passing it on to my kids. and poor Kris, he got sucked into it. I know he never loved it like I do, but he sure put up with it for me. I know there were times he was so jealous of my time spent there, but he still helped with any thing I needed. Getting ready for recital now has been harder than EVER. It was tough the first year without my mom. SHe would help with the sewing and costume repairs, but I had him to get me through it. Now I feel like I am just a wreck. We gather the other teacher and I to go over what still needs to be done, and when loading or props come up, I want to pipe up Kris can help with that. I hate that he can't.

I hate seeing the pain this is causing my kids. It will be the first he isn't there. He usually site in the boys dressing room for me, keeping them "quiet" but he would always make it fun. I hate that the kids have to see all the Father's day stuff, the constant reminder of what they no longer have. I hate hearing about plans to do stuff for father's when I don't need to make them. I hate that my Dad who should be especially supportive of my kids and I right now is oblivious because he is remarrying.

I am feeling SOO alone lately I feel like I am going to burst. I have heard that the kids need to see me cry and hurt too... but I can't, I see how much they are hurting, and then when they see me hurting they feel like they need to bottle up their hurt so not to add to mine... and how can that be good? So I have learned to stay up late and get the tears out, or awaken early.. or hide fast when they hit. My close friends try to be there and understand... but ultimately they have families that are still here, and they will NEVER be as invested in my kids lives as Myself and Kris were. I feel a lot of resentment towards my dad lately... and I shouldn't because I am happy he has found someone to share the rest of his life with since mom passed... but I do. I hate hearing him talk about her kids, especially when my kids still need a "father figure" of some sort around occasionally, and he should understand more than anyone having lost his wife three years ago. But he doesn't. He is clueless and I hate that.

Kris was the best dad and husband... sure he had his flaws, we all do... but he ALWAYS supported his kids, made it a huge point to be there for him, and for me. And I am sure that is why it hurts so much for my kids. I am tired of having to be the only strong one... we were such a good match for each other. Were strong for one another. He was tough when I would be too soft... I could soften him up when he was too tough. I just am really having a hard time lately... I miss his strong embrace. I have a had couple friends come give me hugs... and I appreciate it But they are not the hugs I want. I miss his. His huge embrace that would seem to protect me from anything. Even when I was most hurting I knew I could turn to him for protection from that, even if only briefly until I could take it on myself. Now I have to take it all on with out that protective hug.

I miss him... he should be here...

...

I don't want to do this anymore...

be alone
raise kids alone
work everyday
miss out on being with the kids
watch the kids without their dad
celebrate father's day without my husband
go through this without him

sometimes I just want to quit...

Missing him...

I have been doing pretty good, I have been proud of my accomplishments on my own, had a couple draw backs, kids slacking in school, my house suffering by becoming a disaster zone, behind in homework... but Overall I have been proud of myself for getting through all that I have done on my own. I have had my tough moments, and hard days, but gotten through them...

Then Last week I think I came close to just shutting down. I didn't want to get out of bed, go anywhere, do anything, just sleep. SO I came home from work and slept. Just slept. I have since been able to realize I am just a little overwhelmed and need to try to find somethings I can let go a little. My sister and my sister-in-law came Saturday and got a lot of cleaning done, so that has helped a ton. I can see a way to get through the mess now.

But then today I am just ready to cry at everything. Bren wanted his fishing license, I cried. I was feeling fat, I cried, I was trying to do homework, I cried. I went to the store, I cried. I think about my upcoming dance recital with work and I loss it. He never missed it. He helped me get everything done I needed to. I can't believe I have gotten through 7 months without him. I almost feel guilty for being able to function without him... I just wish he was here to tell me I am doing a good job.

Lost Desires...

I miss him so much. It used to be such a motivation to see his face when I got the house cleaned (I have always been a horrible house keeper), but now there is no one who will be as excited as he was. Only Me, and what is the point if I feel no one else cares? I used to love to see his face when I made dinner... sure it was usually a pathetic attempt (and not alway good) but he would be proud of me. Now I feel like I have this unattainable bar to live up to if I attempt to cook. He was the best cook, and the kids loved his cooking... they only ate mine because he said they had to.
I feel no desire to eat healthy or exercise, I cared about how I looked because I wanted him to take notice.

I hate feeling like not only did I lose him... I lost me too... and I want her back.

Missing my blogs...

Since starting back to school, I have not had the time to catch up as often as I would like on my blogs. When I am driving to school (a 30 minute drive) I think constantly of things I should ask and put out there, or I should mention this memory of him. But I forget, or don't have time when I remember. I feel a little lost without my my constant updates. I felt like if I update frequently, I get fewer "How are you doing?" questions with that look of pity you get so tired of. I hate that look. That look with the combination of pity for you, and how grateful they are to not be going through it.

I still hate hearing how strong I am, that we are doing well considering. I am doing what I can, surviving, living without a huge chunk of my heart. With every event, or struggle, I wish he were here to help. I wish he were the one offering words of comfort, not my friends and family that have their own issues to deal with. I know they want to help, and they are great... I just wish they didn't have to be.

I hate having to do the job of 2 parents, but even worse than that, I hate hearing it compared to divorced, single mothers, I truly understand there are those parents who's other half have chosen NOT to participate in the life of their children. BUT THAT IS NOT OUR CASE. He wanted to be here to help, he would be hurting to see me struggle. While I wouldn't "choose" to be divorced, I feel like I would MUCH prefer those circumstances... I could still see him, hear him, touch him...

I hate meeting people He would have LOVED. I feel like they missed out on knowing him. I hate seeing movies he would have liked, hearing music he would have played repeatedly.

I hate hearing people tell me I am taking on too much, I need to cut back somewhere. Busy is my coping mechanism, and I feel like I am handling stuff pretty well, but I do need to vent on occasion... and I lost my listening ear. He was good at just listening, not trying to fix it (it took a while for him to learn that, but he did... just like I learned if he talks about a problem, he wants suggestions) we were such a good match... I feel like an incomplete set now.

Why Now?

So I have "learned" how to get through this alone as best as I can, I think I am handling things as good as can be expected, then I have one of the days like today. I have felt tears inching closer to falling all say, and have somehow managed to keep them in. But why today? What set me off this time? I miss him so much all the time, but today while setting up work I found my thoughts constantly going to him, what he would think, or do, or say. How he would help, or do to help. I think of the times he would come into work, or things he would do out of the blue. I miss the random flowers, or presents just because he thought I needed it, or would like it. I like the days I can simply remember the could times, or I am calm enough in my grief to truly think about what he would say or do. But I hate not being in control of my emotions... I always have... and this huge loss has set me off even more than usual.