Stronger?

I wrote and commented on here before about how tired I was of hearing how strong I am, or how good I am doing, and I thought how nobody knows how they would react if placed in the same situation. You do what you  have to do, when you have kids you have no choice. There are days I prefer to curl up in a ball and cry, but what kind of an example is that to my kids? I think at first I was tired of hearing it because it was a compliment disguised as encouragement, hidden as a reminder of what my life is now.
I think after 15 months I am ready to take that as a true compliment. (and for me that is huge, since I have never taken compliments well... and still don't. Kris would tell me to just say thank you... I still struggle with that) I have grown in the past year, in ways I would never wish on anyone. In my adolescent psych class we were asked at what age/point in your life do you feel you have reached adulthood. many said that although they are married and raising families, they still turned to their parents for advice/guidance, and felt like they needed to "answer" to them in someways. It was in this discussion that after 35 years of life, 4 children, and 2 close deaths later I have truly reached my adulthood/independence. With no one to answer to, my dad is involved in his new wife and stepson, and 4 children who rely wholly on myself for support, guidance, structure (even if they are teenagers and don't admit it) I have reached that point in my life. I am so confident in this realization, even if I were to marry and have another adult to lean on, I would still be at this point in my life... just with support.
I can see my growth, how I have become stronger, but that does not mean I no longer hurt. It does not mean I am not lonely. It does not mean I no longer need help and guidance from friends and family. If anything I need it more than ever with this realization of how truly alone I am now in this world.
So what inspired this post? I have been in school now for two and a half semesters, in the last couple classes I have been complimented for how I have handled what I have gone through. ANd again I am not sure how to handle the praise. I don't feel I deserve it. A simple thank you doesn't seem sufficient.

V-Day

It is Valentine's day. Kris and I didn't always do something romantic to celebrate, but he always showed me how much he loved me. One year we took the kids swimming, it was great, we had the pool all to ourselves.
One time I was so mad at him, he agreed to work on Valentine's after I had planned a nice night. So I went out and bought lots of sexy things to tease him with, wrapped it up cute and delivered it to work... just to show him what he was missing.
His birthday is the week before and mine 3 weeks later so often times when money was tight, we would choose one of those to go out, and the other two we would have a quiet night at home. He would even watch sappy movies with me, and pretend not to like them...
He was a wonderful cook, and would always make me wonderful dinners to surprise me, I think later in our marriage he preferred this to going out, because he was enjoying cooking more and more.
He was good about flowers as well, and he had a talent for knowing where to get the good ones that would last the longest. One year I got some for V-day that were so beautiful, and by my birthday 3 weeks later they were still in full bloom.
I miss someone coming up and giving me a hug and telling me I love you randomly. I miss the quick pecks letting me know he loves me. I miss the hot bubble baths waiting for me by candle light after a long day.
I claim to be a die hard romantic, but I was NOTHING compared to Kris. I think I preferred the shock value.
Surprising him at dinner that I wasn't wearing panties, and watching him blush and not know what to do. Picking him up from work in nothing but his trench coat. Stealing the keys to the car in a parking garage until after he kissed me all over to find them.
I guess I miss the crazy fun stuff we would do. And I miss being that important to someone. I know I am to my kids, but not in that way. And sure I am dating a friend, but I have recently realized that if I date someone with kids, their kids will always come before me, and rightfully so. I just miss Kris reminding the kids that I came first, and I need to be respected. He of course loved them above all, but knew that they needed to be reminded that he would always side with me, and that they should as well...
So realizing this, it has made me wonder what is out there for me? I do NOT want to live the rest of my life alone, but nor do I want to settle for anything less than I deserve... And who knows maybe this relationship I am slowing building just has not reached that point, and needs to be given time.
I hate that I have to even deal with these thoughts and issues. I just miss Kris, and wish he was back with me.

Dates/numbers

My lucky number has ALWAYS been 5, or multiples of 5. Why? Because my birthday is the 5th. When I met Kris he argued with me that 7 was luckier, it even was a joke with us for a long time. "I love you time 5" "I love you times 7, it is more, I win" "Quality is always better than quantity! I Win"So when it came to our wedding date, when one of the reception centers had the 6th available (it was a quick engagement) we knew it was meant to be... our compromise.

I have never loved math, but numbers and dates have always fascinated me. Like my dad is an Aquarius, and my mom was a Pisces, Kris was Aquarius, I am a Pisces, Our oldest son is an Aquarius, Our oldest daughter is an Aquarius. Some how it all made sense in my mind and fit together like some puzzle I only know about. Then comes birthday/deathday numbers... My mom was born 3/15/53 (all odd numbers) and died 4/6/08 (all even numbers). Kris was born 2/7/77 (even, the rest odd) and died 11/12/10 (odd the rest even) I know this doesn't matter to anyone else, but for some reason it sticks in my head and fits... making some kind of sense in a situation that otherwise would haunt me until I could make some kind of sense of it.

This is the thing that now has me struggling... My dad has remarried, his new wife's birthday is on the day of my mother's passing... 4/6. Some kind of a link to my mom making it work... I am dating a friend of mine I have known for most of my life. His birthday is the day after Kris's, one number different. It is so odd to go from a Tuesday missing my husband greatly and wishing he was here to celebrate with us, to Wednesday night having a party celebrating another year with his family. I am not sure what to make of this connection yet... but until then I guess I am just going along for the ride.

35...

He should be turning 35 today. He should be here celebrating with us. He should be telling me to get going on my homework. But he isn't, and he won't be. I made it through another of his birthdays without him...

Down

I have been doing really good lately, if I do say so myself. But these past few days I am really struggling. I feel like everything is reminding me of him and what I no longer have. Sure it has been 14 months, and I thought I was doing great... But I am feeling so low lately.
In one of my classes we have been discussing human nature, a topic he and I would debate often. I hated dark stories of an evil nature like lord of the flies, while it fascinated him. While I would never convert to his way of thinking, he had a way of opening my eyes so I could see past my happy blinders... but not too much to scare me out of my comfort zone. I miss talking to him and falling asleep in mid sentence... he would usually tell me to shut up and go to sleep.
I have wanted a good cry for a while now, but it would never come, despite "tricks" I would use to make them fall. I have sat in the shower as the water went from near scalding to freezing, but I just sit there lost, empty. I have gone to the cemetery yelling at him, mad that he left me, eyes wet from yelling... but the relief from the bath of tears did not follow. I sat in a restaurant, trying to imagine what he would say to me. His thoughts on books I am reading, trying to grasp any hint of how his mind worked, but nothing. I have written, even now, I feel the soft brush of a warm tear or two escape... but nothing like the release I have been begging to come.
I have still been seeing my friend. The kids will tease that we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" and that scares me. It is nice to have someone, and even feel them embrace me, but I worry I am using him to fill a void, and hole I am not ready to fill. I know he has been hurt in the recent past and wants it to go slow as well, but while I love the companionship... I am scared of it as well.
I just want him back. I thinkI can point to where I started going downhill when I went with my friend to a fireside... it was a really great one... about relationships. I had a great relationship, and I lost it. I have had many ups since then, but I feel like the downs are beginning to weigh down on me. I think I am going to take a break from "dating" but, I am not ready like I thought I was. Perhaps that was what I needed to see to realize I am not ready to move forward yet.
I just want to know when I will start going up... I am tired of this downhill slope.

grief

I am so emotionally confused lately. I think I am getting along pretty good, getting my stuff handled, handling kids as best as I can, and even experimenting with dating... then BAM I hit a major road block. My emotional dam I build breaks, and the floods come though. The holidays were very tough, and I did my best to make the best of them, but they were crazy with my school finals, and a move on top of the usual holiday fanfare. I came out of it all optimistic and hopeful, ready to take a step in a new direction rather than sitting feeling lonely all the time. Overall getting out and dating has been good, it has been mixed with an odd sense of guilt, like I shouldn't be having fun with another man, but I have enjoyed getting out and meeting new people. I would like to continue getting out, but these past couple days I have felt emotionally drained. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions. I am still mad and bitter with some family, and I know I need to get over it and let it go, but I am tired of being the one to get over it, just once I would appreciate an understanding ear, an I am sorry, a I can't imagine what you are going through, a I am sorry you have to go through this, how can I help?

I know everyone has there problems and are coping and dealing with their own lives and trials... even the same losses I have, but in different capacities, but I would think some things would be a little obvious, and I feel like a needy person when I constantly need to point it out. I am so happy for my dad who has found someone to spend his life with after lossing mom... but he now has a young stepson. before he would take the time to be there for my kids, and go out of his way. But now he is taking his step son, someone who still has a father to things that I know my boys would love to do, wish they could do with their dad, but won't be able to. Why can't he recognize that need? Why must I be the one to consistently point it out.

Our home, the last one Kris and I lived in together. It is my in-laws, and while I offered to leave, it was a rash emotional decision that I instantly regretted. When I apologized, and plead my case it was still so harsh hearing how he wanted us out. Out of the place we had worked so hard on as we were able. But the final blow was when I discovered that remodeling that Kris and I put lots of time and money into, as well and friends and family to help ME, was being torn out carelessly. I am happy now for the move, I think it for the best, but I feel like MY situation was never considered, and never has been to the extent I considered others. I turned down offers to move previously because I did not want to leave them in a bind. I feel like the reaction I got has shown me why I need to start looking out for myself first, and others second, an attitude I have never understood, until recently.

I do recognize these people in my life have experienced losses as well, the same losses even... but not the two close relationships I lost in the short period I lost them. My mom was taken almost 4 years ago, she was someone I could always count on, and talk to... even in the later years when we were not one the best terms, I know she was always there for me no matter what. She cared for the kids as much as Kris and I, if not more. She cared about Kris and I. When she and Kris were diagnosed with cancer within weeks of each other, and she passing shortly after, I felt that she knew if one of them had to leave me, she would go so I could still have Kris... Then 2 and a half years later he was taken from me as well. I know my siblings understand the loss of my mom... but they still have their spouses. I know my dad understand the loss of a spouse, but he is so wrapped up in his new marriage, I feel neglected. I know his family is mourning the loss of a brother and son... but they still have their spouses, and his sisters still have their parents.

I guess the main point of my ranting is I am tired of being alone. I am tired of doing the parenting thing alone. I met a good friend at a fireside last night and it was on relationships. It was an enjoyable night, and I enjoyed the company, but I hated that through the whole speaker I realized what a good marriage we had, sure we had our rough patches, but we stuck it out. I do feel he was battling with mental and physical demons that I am so grateful he is now free of... I just wish I wasn't left facing these new demons... grief and single parenting.

As I mentioned earlier I have been "dating" a good friend whom I grew up with. I am struggling emotionally with that as well. He is such a wonderful man, someone I have always truly loved... like a brother. I am so glad he and I have reconnected, he has been a great support to my kids. They were very apprehensive about me dating, and I think it was a comfort to them that while no one will ever replace their father, there are truly good guys out there for me to meet. He is the only person I have dated that I have let them meet, because I knew him before, and I know what a good man he is... he will be someone I can always talk to and willing to listen, because we were always friends, although we lost touch for a while. He is a single parent as well, but because of divorce, but there are similarities in our situations that make it nice to talk to someone who relates, especially since he knew Kris and is willing to talk about him openly.

In school I took an amazing class last term from a teacher who very brilliantly related the texts we read to our own lives. I am now taking another class from her, and oddly enough both of these classes (different eras of American lit) have begun dealing with grief. I am, in some ways, grateful I have a deep understanding of this topic to share my understanding of it... although I am tired of it being such a constant in my life. But to see these classic works as they relate to my life, and what I am dealing with is in some way a comfort.

I wish there was a time frame for this grief thing... I feel I am still coping with my mom's loss 4 years ago, and Kris's is still so new that little things set it off. I have heard it actually takes an average of 7 years to adjust to grief, yet I have also heard after the first year it gets easier. I know with my mom, and now Kris it was a relief to make it that year... kinda like we did it once, we can do it again. I am tired of the pain creeping up. Tonight was a night I just needed someone to hold me, tell me I am doing fine, and I will continue to do so. I sat wondering if it would be too much to go to my friend I have been dating and just ask for a shoulder to cry on for a little while, I decided that might be too much... so I came home and wrote. I am thinking I need to once again make this particular blog of mine a little more private... less of my personal information... a friend of mine told me I am brutally honest with my feeling here. I have decided that it is much easier to "talk" about my "feelings" in writing on a huge WWW where it can be lost amoung the other struggling bloggers than to face them in person with people who know me personally and care about me. to those of you who actually read this... thank you for your thoughts and concern... if you feel like you need to say something to me, do it on here, or email me... I do not want a "break down" in person if you confront me on things I write on here... I wrote it, it is now out of my system... that is how I have dealt with this, as I try to deal with everything... planned. I like knowing what is coming up, I would "schedule" my tears for when I was alone in the shower... if I could get them out of the way in the morning, they were less likely to attack unannounced during the day. But lately even though I try, the tears won't come, and I have attacks like today, where the tears won't let up. I think I am frustrated by this because it is such AWFUL timing. I was trying so hard to eat healthy today, try to loss this widow weight, but I just want to stuff my face with comfort food. I have so much homework that HAS to be done by tomorrow, but I cannot focus on it at all, the tears fall, and I have to dry them up, until something else set them off... i just miss him.

Getting out!

I have posted that I wanted to get out, and that I even have gone out... I was so grateful I had married young so I didn't have to go through the stress of dating and getting to know people to find someone to spend my life with! It has definitely been quite the experience in my few short dates. I have gone out with widowers still caught up in their grief to move on, gone out with some very polite, but much older men, and even been approached by some much younger men. I have been very flattered, and enjoyed the getting out... but I have so many mixed feelings about everything! I know Kris wants me to remarry and be happy, we both knew I would, I hate being alone. But I don't want to rush into anything. I have heard too many horror stories of widows remarrying and the divorce being much worse then being widowed. One of the men I have dated has been a close friend I grew up with, we both want to take things slow so we dont rush, and with our kids to consider as well... but I worry it feels "right" simply because we are comfortable, and it is familiar... I am tired of being alone, and it has been nice getting to know other people... but I hate doing this again. I miss having Kris here, I miss having someone to talk to, I miss having someone who thought the world of me, I hate the idea that I have lost that forever and I have to live the rest of my days settling for something less than Kris...