Not myself...

I have come to the conclusion that while I try my best to put on the appearance that I am doing well, and I am back to my busy self after the loss of Kris... I am not. I am simply imitating how I want to be, but in reality, I come home and curl up and sleep. I have many obligations that I have committed myself and the kids too, and while I am very busy, I cling to the idea of just zoning out. I feel like I am always exhausted and I am always playing catch-up on something, whether it be money, homework, housework, kids things... I am always falling short. It is like I crave that sleep, zoning out time because I am unaware for that short time of how lonely I am, and how much I miss Kris... but when I am awake, I am so aware and I just want to forget or pretend it didn't happen. I am almost 2 years out from that horrible day... I thought I would be able to function better by now. I think I thought the support I had so strong from outside sources would still be there. I hate asking for helping, or even admitting I need it, and the first year, people would just help, and not wait for me to ask. Now I feel like I need help more than ever, and even when people offer I can't accept it, because I don't know what I need, or where to start. I am the one who can get everything done, who has a lot on her plate, who finds time to make that extra effort... but lately I can't make any effort for me or let alone anyone else, and I need to.

Hopeless...

I have been doing really great... and then it hit. That crushing feeling of hopelessness that seems to suck the very air you breath away from you as quickly as it can, leaving you gasping for that crucial life support.

It started earlier this week as kids were getting sick one by one... then it hit me. After caring for them, and being at their every need, I just wanted someone to do it for me, just a little.

Then came the day of a huge test, for I had some time to kill, and I just wanted to call Kris to hear some last minute words of encouragement... but there was no one I could call to kill that time, or hear those words. Then after the test when it resulted in such huge mixed emotions (scored really good and high, except on one section, and had to have at least 19 on each section, my bad one was a 17) I just wanted Kris to be there, to tell me it was ok. But he wasn't and I sobbed the whole way home.

Then today, I have a great interview and qualify for a job that will be my foot in the door for teaching, and no one to share in my excitement. I am suppose to attend a widow conference, and I feel like I am so pressed down with these feelings lately that I can't bring myself to go... so here I am crying.

I am tired of making big decisions, and money issues, trying to raise these kids right, all on my own. I feel like I get through one major stress and I have 50 more waiting for me to tackle them... and I can't do it anymore...

I just want to curl up in a ball and be done... I either do nothing but eat, or I am so overwhelmed I can't eat. I have gained so much weight I feel so ugly and self hating lately. I know I feel better when I make myself exercise, run, or dance... but between running kids everywhere I just don't have the time. I think if Bren and Tay would hurry and get their license it would help... but then I worry I can't afford the insurance... plus I would need a second car, which I can't afford either.

I am overwhelmed with homework and wonder frequently what they was was I thinking going back to school... but then I realize I need to do this to survive... but it is so overwhelming and I feel myself getting further and further behind.

My house seems to never be clean, I am never home to enforce the help I need, and when I finally am home they aren't so I try to do it myself but something else comes up, or I need to go somewhere.

It has almost been 2 years! Can't I be done with this yet? I want him back!

Missing him lots...

Lately I have been a wreck, every little thing seems to set me off. But at the same time I am finally to a point where I can remember something about him and not collapse in tears.

I found myself at the cemetery late last night. ( I seem to always go late, I feel I can yell and say anything without others hearing it.) My latest struggle has been feeling so alone. I am so grateful that I have my kids with me, but sometimes despite the fact that they are around, I feel so alone. I hate the nights the most. It dawned on me just last night that the reason I don't sleep well is because I hate falling asleep alone, I hate waking up alone. It is easier to try to stay awake.

I am also wondering if I am throwing myself into dating too soon. I wonder if my loneliness is more missing him, or just the company. I know I am trying to fill a void. Late at night I will search facebook, when I see a group of friends I havent seen for a while I will invite them to lunch, dinner, anything to have something to look forward to, something to get me out of the house. Plus if I plan it when the day arrives I HAVE to go, since I planned it. Other times when I get an invite when the day arrives, I want to crawl in my bed and avoid the world.

Who would have thought there would be such HUGE differences between the first year out and the second. (And not just because we have moved) The first year I had friends and family trying to get me out, keep me social, checking on me. This year I feel like I have to be the one driving me to get out. I feel forgotten. The first year people were expecting the emotions to be right there, this year when they hit me or the kids, I often hear quietly "Hasn't it been a while", or "Isn't time they move on" or just that look, the look that used to be pity, but now it looks more like they are rolling their eyes in their head.

Also I am tired of hearing that if this were to happen to them they don't think they would date again, or could date again, or some other form of I can't believe you are doing that. Well then I hope you are never forced into this awkward position. While I am a very independent person and always have been (Ask my aunt, one thing she said to me after I lost Kris was, "Independent Alli is going to have to learn to ask for help". The first year I got really good at asking for help. I was confident in what I was doing was right, and wasn't over stretching my budget or myself. But now I find I am in a new house with a rent 3 times what it was before. I have felt many times that it was the right decision to move here, and had lots of confirmation it was right, but I hate to ask for help because maybe I am wrong and I did overstep. But I do know it was right to not have a drastic move for the kids right now. They needed as little change as possible. So when things get tight, I hate to even ask... since in many ways I put myself in this position.

I also hate hearing that the kids need to go work, get a job, help provide. They were forced into such an adult situation far too young, why would I expect them to put themselves into another adult situation before they need to be? I get they need to help out, and they do when they can. My oldest has been mowing lawns and doing other odd jobs as needed. But he needs to focus on school right now and graduating... he shut down after his dad died and has lots to catch up on... so why would I add a job to his stress. He is learning to balance many things, like school, and extra curriculars like the ballroom team, wrestling, and dance, all of which will help get into a good college. My oldest daughter has been babysitting and pitching in whenever she can as well... but she needs to focus on school too. I appreciate the advice, but as far as how to raise our kids, Kris and I actually talked about it quite a bit, so I know what his wishes were.

I miss arguing with him... trying to prove a point only to find he totally agrees with me. I miss someone caring about stuff I like, even if he didn't. The other day I was looking forward to the showing of No Doubt's new video... I just wanted someone to act interested, take an interest in something I was looking forward too... do you think any of my four kids would watch it with me? Nope... now kris would laugh at me and tease me for being so excited, but he would watch it with me, if only to humor me. I want someone to care about things I am interested in again... even if it is attached with his usual comment, "you know I really don't care right?" I know he could care less about a scrapbook page I made, or a video I liked, or even my ideas for music for work... but he would listen and tell me he loved me, and liked how excited I would get about things.

I haven't physically hurt from missing him in a while, but lately I have been aching, I have just curled up in bed more and more lately. I need to get out and live again... but it is hard when I am feeling forgotten. The kids are great, but they have friends they prefer to be with friends... and then they are finally home spending time with me, but want my constant attention. "Do my hair" "rub my back" take me to my friends" "take my friend home" "can we have mcdonalds" rarely is it about me. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, or like I need some attention... but once in a while I do.

Healing...

In the past twenty months I have been on an emotional roller coaster that many days feels I am still riding. I have read articles, listened to advice from not only friends and family, but also those who have been on the ride, and still I struggle to find something that heals my wounds. Sure there are lots of band-aids that seem to hold myself together at the seam while I am trying to heal emotionally, but often something rips it off, revealing the wound, and reopening it, until I can quickly find another band-aid...

Some of the most common things that rip that covering off are seeing my kids miss their father, hearing friends complain about their spouse, hearing about parent's that have chosen to be absent from their kids lives, weddings, holidays, cooking, late sleepless nights, his favourite movie or book, or food... I could go on and on...

But what I wanted to focus on was what heals these wounds, and I want it known there will ALWAYS be a scar, he left a HUGE mark on our lives and that just doesn't "go away" as anyone who has lost a loved one can attest too, but there are things that heal the wound, not simply cover it, and I have learned the distinction between them as I ride this journey.

My band-aids for this past year, have been hiding in my house. Keeping overly busy with school, work. Driving, going anywhere but home where I again face the harsh reality that he is no longer there.  TV shows, movies, internet... media that benefits no one, but allows me to zone out far too often than necessary.

Recently I have realized what truly helps me heal. Devoting individual time with each of my children, it allows me a view into what they are feeling, and helps me stretch to find ways that helps us both. Spending time with genuine friends and family... not just "fillers' that fill a void. (Yes I have met a few of these, past friends who make it fill like the owe it to me or Kris, "dates" I have gone on, groups I fill like a third wheel being there.) Writing, I have realized in the past few months where I have done less writing I am feeling myself dip back into earlier days of these journey where I feel kinda helpless, and I have not been writing. Writing helps me see on paper how far I have come... help me see solutions to problems that before seemed hopeless... remember things about Kris that were special, and that I don't want to forget. I have also recently remembered how much I miss exercise, working out, anything that gets me moving and active. I always said I love ballet because it is an hour out of a full day where I am totally, selfishly focused on me and no one else... you can't let your mind wander or you will find and something out of place. While I have not gotten back to dance yet (because I feel I need to be a little more back to myself first) I have found I miss that "me" time. I need to devote time to bettering myself, not only for me, but for my family as well.

And then there is the list of things I avoid until I am further in on my journey... Harry Potter books and movies... Kris loved to read, so did I. These were one of the few books that we both loved. I miss nights talking about them, comparing them to the movies, speculating while we were waiting for the next installment. I have not been able to read them since he passed, when I would make it a point to read them once a year. I can't watch the movies... we would fall asleep to them discussing what we liked about them and didn't. (I did go see the 2 moves that came out since his passing, and bought them, but have only watched them the one) I miss shopping with him, he made a chore I disliked into a game in which I spent time with him... now I only do it when I absolutely must. Same with cooking, a chore he enjoyed, and one I still avoid... Cleaning. I have no one who appreciates the time it takes to keep it nice... so I don't bother. My room is a mess and the only one it affects is me... I wish I had him here to ask me to clean it. There are certain places I avoid because I only enjoyed them because I was with him, and he made it fun... Boondocks is the last place we spent our last anniversary. Fishing was his thing...a love he passed to the boys... but I can't go without crying... the mountains and camping... but I am determined to face that one in a month.

I am far from healed, and still have an open wound that needs constant protection... but it is healing and I am certain there will be a point in which it heals with a tender scar, and the need to constantly protect it from tearing open will be much lessened. But until then I am doing the best I can, and trying to find ways to heal... please don't forget me, and continue to be there when I need you... even if I forget what I need, and that I may need to ask for it.

Second year...

I had heard from several other widows/widowers and even grief counselors/therapists that the second year was harder than the first. I thought there is no way this first year of hell could be easier... I was wrong. I figured I knew that I got through one major loss, my mom, I could do it again. But I quickly realized it was because I had Kris I got through it. He was my rock through that. I am not saying I don't have support now with his loss, I do, but it is not the same. I don't have my other half with me at all times when I need him, I have my kids who are amazing, but need me to be strong for them. I have my family and his, but they have their own lives and things to cope with. I poured myself into writing after I lost him, and that was a huge comfort. I escaped and sorted out my feelings on paper, whether to him, God, or myself. I then filled my days with work and school, and became too busy for as much writing. And now that I have  taken off school for the summer I find myself with far too much free time. Time I thought I would use to clean and organize my house and my life, instead I spend it curled up in bed zoning out watching TV or movies. I am aching so much lately, and hate being alone. I have however reconnected with a friend that has helped. He has been willing to sit and talk with me about all my issues, and there are a lot! I am grateful for him and other friends and family who have been there. But I think I need to once again pour myself into writing. Although sometimes once I get going, I feel like I have written these things before, or that it sounds like poor me, and I don't want that. I want to see healing in my writing. I want to see hope. I want to feel something from Kris to know he is still around. At one point I thought I was ready to date, to get out there and meet other people, maybe take a step in starting a relationship, but the few dates I have gone on I have realized I am so not ready for that. I was using it to fill a void, that missing adult conversation and approval from the opposite sex. I got tired of retelling what happen to my husband to strangers. It was exhausting trying to keep up conversation at awkward moments. As I mentioned I reconnected with a friend and while we are "dating" in the loosed sense of the term, it is nice to have someone that knew me before Kris died and knows who I am and where I came from. It is nice having a friend who is learning to do everything alone as I am, and who can relate to what I am going through and who knew Kris. But who I feel no pressure to impress, and I can completely be myself. I can not wait for the day I can be with Kris again, but until then I am looking forward to the day that I find myself not trying so hard to pull myself out of bed in the morning, struggling to be productive. I am certain my tendency for depression doesn't help at all. But I am confident I will find not only peace and comfort eventually in my day to day life, but I am hopeful I will find someone to spend the time I have left on this earth with so I am not alone. I have always been independent, but hated being alone. I am grateful I still have my amazing kids around, they are often times the only thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings.

I can't do it all... yet I am expected to, and have to...

The past few nights, tonight included, I have sat up all night, trying desperately to finish some papers for school. I have tried to take power naps, I have tried to just power through them, I have tried taking breaks on different sites after "bribing" myself with goals. They still are not done. I have stared at blank screens, read articles 3 and 4 times not knowing what I have read. I have written these papers in my head over and over again, and yet I cannot get them to translate onto the paper/screen. Why is that?

I have so many other things in my life occupying my thoughts I don't think there is room for everything. I am feeling like such a failure because I can not accomplish all that I am accustomed to accomplishing with Kris's help, making meel so inadequate. In our new house I have done so much better at keeping it clean, and yet as this warm weather has hit, at the same time as finals, I have fallen way behind on housekeeping, and because I am embarrassed by the disarray of my home, I don't want to call my landlord until I can clean up, but the AC is not working properly. My oldest has so many things going on at the moment that I feel I am neglecting the others. With Dr. appts for his broken wrist, tickets for stupidity, going to a new school, and still behind in graduating I feel every free moment I am hounding him. I fall asleep worrying about him. Because of this worry, I have neglected to keep on top of my other children. I can't think of the last time I had my youngest do his daily reading. I was informed this week is parent teacher conferences, and I am usually so on top of things like that. I am finishing up the last of my financial issues associated with Kris, and that has hit on the same week as finals. I am feeling guilty for not pushing through to get done with school, but can see I need to take this break for my sanity.

I hate to think Kris would be disappointed in me, but I can't help thinking that, because I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like I need help, but other have their own lives and issues, how can I expect them to step in where I am falling short when I don't even know where to start asking for help? I know I need to take my antidepressants, I keep telling my kids to take theirs, but I am so bad at just remembering. I try to make certain I am there for everyone who is relying on me, but I feel I am always falling short. I am reminded of my shortcomings daily.

I feel like my worries and concerns are all crushing in on me. I have tried to make an effort to get out more, last year was such a blur I got through it in a state of numbness, and I can hardly remember thing that happened, because I choose to hide away in my house, unless someone dragged me out. I don't want my children to see me regress to that, that is not a good example for them, nor is it anyway to live. I am tired of seeing My oldest daughter hurting, and there being nothing I can do about it.

I need to find a way to balance things in my life so I can be adequate in all aspects of it, but how? I am tired of my emotions hitting so unexpectedly, uncontrollably, I am tired of not having Kris here to help both emotionally and with all the things I need to get done.

I never thought boy scouts would be such a trigger, but between the pinewood derby for my youngest, and an eagle court of honor for a friend I have nearly gone over the edge. Kris LOVED scouting. He would not have his boys miss out on any of the opportunities scouts offered them. Yet when I needed help with the pinewood derby as it hit around the same time as my school finals, and I knew nothing about it, none of the men in my family would step up to help, they all tried to pass the buck until my brother in law offered to help as best as he could. I know nothing about what needs to be done in order to earn his eagle, and yet, I need to find a way to motivate my oldest to get that done on top of getting his driver's license, and graduating.

I just wish that since Kris can no longer help me in my life where I need him, others would step in to help when they see help is needed, because it gets tiring asking all the time. And then I feel more helpless, and like more of a burden on others. I feel like overall my family has been pretty supportive and helpful, however I think they will never truly understand how alone I still feel. I feel silly asking questions on facebook or to others about things I am pretty sure I know I am making the right choices on, but I miss having that feedback, discussing it with someone. Having someone share a vested interest in every aspect of my life. I am just so tired of feeling so alone. I feel like I try to continue to be there for others as best as I can when needed... and I know people are there for me, but I wish someone was aware of my needs so I don't feel like I am continually begging for help. I think some people expect me to functioning back to normal by now... but it is nights like this I realize I am far from it.

I need to remember how much writing my thoughts out helps me work through them somewhat. Sure it brings on a flood of tears, ones I have usually been holding back for far too long. But it also gives me some focus and direction as to where to go from here. So here it goes, another attempt...

What to say?!?!

I have come here so many times in the last couple months, filled with mixed emotions every time. I have had so much I want to say, but it would never come out right, or I couldn't put what I was thinking into words. I think I ma ready to try this again... so we will see how it goes.
I have been so emotional lately, filled with so much anger, joy, understanding sadness, you name it, I have felt it in the past couple of months. I am really missing Kris, and I am struggling with the thought that maybe it is not so much Kris I am missing as being alone, as I have slowly been filling that emptiness with dates with friends. (I have only dated friends I have know for a while, or met a couple times at widow events... nothing serious, just getting myself out) I hate when I think that, I hate when I think I only miss him because I hate being alone. I know it is not true and that I do miss HIM. I know that when I date someone that has a characteristic so opposite of his... like someone struggling to figure out the tip, or any kind of math... or someone who has no clue what or who I am talking about when I mention a book or author, or when I really need someone to recognize when I am having a hard time... he could always tell. Anyone who knows me knows I am the biggest boob about movies... but when it comes to me and my life, I prefer to keep my emotions to myself, unless you are one of the few people I am close enough to that I will let my emotions slip out.
I have struggled with my kids, thinking I am doing what is best for us, but getting calls when I am 40 mins away and feeling hopeless I question my going back to school. I question whether I am raising them right, we talked about how we wanted to raise them together, but I never how to do it alone. What if I fail him, and them?
I question all my major decisions. Is it really the right thing to be paying so much for our home right now? Should I have downsized? What can I do to earn money? Should I let the kids get a job?
I know I am still avoiding the emotions I have been struggling to cope with, that is what I started this blog for in the first place...