The Bath...

I was needing to feel connected to Him tonight, but it was too late to leave to the cemetery, and since I can't sleep in our bed at all anymore, I have used it for storing stuff while we are remodeling. So I locked myself in the bathroom and ran a bath. At first it was simply nice and relaxing, and then I pulled out my book I needed to read from school and a flood of memories rushed to the surface and the tears sprung from my eyes.

I remember sitting on the toilet and he soaking in the bath... to have fewer distractions and studying for finals with him.
I remember several times he knew I had had a rough day and would run me a bath to relax right away when I got home.
I remember many nights when he had been sick and he would escape for a while in there until he could go back to sleep.
I remember how we would always make certain our bed and breakfasts we stayed in for anniversaries, birthdays, getaways, had a nice big tub we could both soak in.
I remember planning in our different houses house we would remodel the baths to make them bigger so we could enjoy them together.

Now I feel comfort in the bath, I like to run the water on me and try to imagine it is his his arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. I try to imagine him looking at me... hopefully missing me too...

Kids

This is the current scenario I am disliking most. I feel I am getting by okay, things are going well, then the kids come home and have had a tough day. I hate that our bad days can't match, but then I think they may be tougher, because I would have to comfort even in my grief. But I hate that the fact that other kids at school, or church talking about their father's upsets them. They should remember they had a dad who loved to be with them, and I know that is tough that he is no longer here, but I think they need to realize some of these kids talking about it are from divorced homes and they ARE excited about seeing them... not just saying it to hurt them.(At least I hope that is the case, not that they are mean spirited kids who would say that just to hurt)

Now I do totally understand that jealousy aspect, I am jealous when people say they are going shopping with their mom, or their mom is watching kids. Or that it is their date night with their husband... my date nights consist of which of my girlfriends are free, or which of my kids aren't too sick of me.

I think I just needed to vent on be half of my kids. I hate seeing them in pain, it almost makes my pain intensify. There are so many times a day I think I wish He was here, just to talk to, I wish I could hear his opinion on this, I wish he were here to help with this. I just wish he was here.

It is here...

The final thing that I have had to deal with the mortuary about, his grave marker. I am glad it is there so people know where he is, and what a great man he was, but while death is obviously final... this seems to make it more so.

I hate seeing it, yet when I am having an especially tough time I crave that quiet cemetery where I can talk to him freely without judgement. Where I can bask in the quiet solitude near his and my mom's presence. I prefer to think he is close to me everyday, but I think where he helped in the decision of where to bury my mom, and we would walk around and enjoy the peacefulness of the cemetery together I know he is at peace there.

I am so tired of all the things piling up that I know he could handle and deal with much better than I could... I think that is perhaps why I am avoiding them until I need to... and that time is fast approaching. So I hope he will be here with me when I need him, helping me get through some of these things I need to get through.

Half a year

Six months have passed since I have seen his beautiful face,
touched his strong hands,
heard his sweet voice,
known his presence,
been able to confide in him,
I am missing him more than ever.

I started back to school and it was a tough week. The day I realized it had been 6 months was tough. I lost it twice at work, over silly things. A bookmark I carry with me all the time, I held it and saw him and missed that face so much. I was able to gain composure enough to go cash out for the day. The total amount had been 567.07. We had a silly fight about numbers, he favored 7 and I 5. So we compromised and had our wedding on the 6th.

I wish he was here to discuss books I have to read for school. I wish he was here to help with the kids. I wish he was here to offer encouragement. I wish he was here.

Woah...

It was been a tough couple weeks. I thought I was finally getting a hang of this new life alone, but things just keep popping up that throw me off. My dad's announced marriage, mother's day, being sick, getting behind on house projects, always busy and finding I never have time for everything.

My dad's big news...

So my dad called me yesterday and announced that is is proposing this weekend to the lady he's been seeing. I am genuinely happy for him. I didn't think it would bother me much, or that I would be upset by it, but I am finding myself constantly thinking about it. One of the feeling I am having I think is pure jealousy. With losing my mom first then my husband, I felt I had an ali in my loss, someone who closely knew what I was going through, and could be there for me when I had need of a companion. I think I am envious that he has found someone and is no longer alone. Now don't get me wrong I am in no way ready for a new companion, nor do I think my dad has simply gotten over the loss of my mother, I just found a comfort in not having to be the only "widow" at family events.

I find myself curious and wanting to know EVERYTHING I can about her. (I tracked her down on FB) I know I will never think of her as replacing my mother, or think of her as my stepmother. But I hope to become friends with her, someone to call for an opinion, or to go to lunch with or something.

I think I am just having a tough time with it being mother's day tomorrow. He would always go out of his way to make sure it was special, make certain the kids did something for me. Even when I lost my mom and wanted NOTHING to do with mothers day. I used to look forward to time alone. He would make a huge effort to take the kids out for the night and run a hot tub with bubbles and a book I was reading. Now all the kids are gone I hate it. I sit crying, or writing, or sleeping. I hate my fiction writing lately. I have tried several times to work on my novel I was so excited about and He encouraged me on... But now the teenage heroines father seems to die everytime I start working on it again... I don't want to relieve it like that.

I have so much I need to get done, but I feel like there is no point. I hate that my dad is out on a date, my daughters are babysitting so others can go out on a date, that the kids are all gone and I am stuck here alone.

My rating

If I were to rate myself on how well I was coping with the loss of my best friend, husband, lover, father of my children, etc. I would have to say I think I am coping/handling it fairly well. Sure on the anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, big events he is not there I get teary and emotional with everyone else. But as far as random breakdowns over little things, it has been kept to a minimum. In fact rarely happens no that it has been almost 6 months. But it hit this morning. Hard. Over the silliest of things. My razor. He would always still mine because he said it was more gentle. And would have me use mine when I shaved his head (he choose to be bald, and couldn't get all of it on his own). In fact the night before I lost him, I shaved his head.

So this morning all has been going well, got kids off to school on time, which is a challenge most mornings. And then I got in the shower... a rare occurrence lately since I avoid it because it is where I usually have my breakdowns. I lost it reaching for my razor. I sobbed uncontrollably and realized as well as I am, or may appear to coping. I am still so new to this life without him.

I want him here to scare me while I am in the shower. I want him here to be excited for me with all I accomplish. I want someone as invested in my kids as I am to be excited over small accomplishments. And I will not have that. I miss the late night chats about nothing of importance. I miss a strong arm around me at times like this where I am having a rough day. I am tired of hearing I look good from people and that I am doing well... it is the appearance I feel I need to keep up for my kids to able to get through this with as few hiccups as possible. I hate wanting to go try a new restaurant and don't have a date, or go see a movie and be a third wheel or go it alone. My teen only want to do so much with me, and how can I ask them to be a date for their mom all the time when they are at the age where friends are so important? If I want them to experience normal life as much as possible I cannot deny them this time they need with friends... I just need mine too. Which I am so grateful have always been there, and are always willing.

While I like to think I am handling things well, and for the most part I am, I am grateful for the wake up call and realize I am not as comfortable with my new life I have been dealt as I sometimes appear even to myself. I think of why I am able to function as well as I do sometimes is because of conversations He and I had for years, even since I met him. He somehow knew he would die young. I would blow it off to him, but would think to myself, could I do it alone? How would I? I also think of all the fights I had with him about his health. I felt he was not taking as good of care of himself as he should be, but was tired of the fights that would come from it. So I set it in my mind that if he wouldn't take care of him, I can't make him, and I need to be ready to take care of the kids and me. There are many days I regret this thinking, but I am glad I had in some ways freed myself of that guilt before so it wouldn't haunt me more than it does.

I hope my posts on here make sense. I never edit... unless there is a very obvious typo. I simply write how I am feeling at the moment, and hope it makes sense. As I have mentioned before it helps me to be able to write my thoughts down, and I hope it helps others to read them. I have found going back and reading from the beginning helps me see how far I have come in this process. I miss him so much. I hear that the kids dream of him, or that other widows dream of their lost loved one, and I am so jealous. I have only dreamed of him a couple times, and each time it is not the real him, it is some grotesque copy of him and that haunts me. I try to cling onto those dreams even for another moment, even to have that grotesque copy with me. I am so grateful for all the memories of him I do have. My daughter said to me she hates how everything reminds her of him because she is so tired of crying. I told her to write them down through the tears so she never will forget them. Because when she has gotten to the point where the memories bring a smile instead of a tear she will be so grateful for them.