Dreams

I used to have vivid dreams, I loved them since dreams have always fascinated me, since I was little. When He passed I stopped dreaming it seems like. I figured it was because I wasn't sleeping well. After a couple weeks of NO sleep, I remember having a dream of him. He had come back, but it was not him. He was not his teasing joyful self, the word that ALWAYS comes to mind when I recall this dream is grotesque, but not in appearance. I figured it meant he was really gone and no longer belonged here with us, and in some way it brought me comfort.

I have not had any dreams I have recalled since then. Something I hated, because He and I would always laugh about my dreams in the morning, he knew I liked them and there were some crazy ones.

Then last night I had one. It was about him, and it was more disturbing to me then the one were he seemed grotesque. He woke up like he had not missed a day. In the dream I was so excited and happy about him being back, but confused. I tried to explain he couldn't just go to work, he had been dead for 4 months and I was certain they replaced him. He said they would understand and everything would be fine, he would be back after work. I then didn't want him to go in case it wasn't real. The kids came out and hugged him, were a little surprised to see him, but then went on getting ready for school like it was nothing. I remember this reaction from them bugged me too. When he was trying to reassure me he would be back after work and that he was going to stop on his way there to clear up the misunderstanding that he was dead I woke up.

In some ways it was nice to dream about him, but I was so upset and confused by it. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream because it was such a perfect memory of him, he was just as he was... no flaws. I feel like sometimes my memory of him isn't quite right. His laugh wasn't right the way I picture it, or his eyes not the right shade. In my dream it has an exact replica. Then I remember waking up and being relieved it was a dream... like I would have been mad I had to go through these 4 months of grieving for nothing. I miss him sooo much, I just wish he could still hold me tight in his strong arms again, I always felt so safe and protected in his arms. Now I feel very vulnerable and lost...

A phone call

I got a phone call today, nothing even that spectacular, but it just set me off in a wide array of emotions. It was a parking ticket from my college, at least 3 years old. They simply left a message, for Him to call back at his earliest convenience. At first I was livid, did they not know he was dead? How dare they call so callous... I hung up from voice mail and called them back. informing them they left a message for my husband who had passed in November, and what could I help them with... and yes I was rather short. They immediately apologized and said it is taken care of. When I hung up I called the voicemail again... it was nice in a way to hear someone remember him... as if he were still alive... I listened a couple times, and realized that was silly, they didn't even KNOW him. I hung up, and cried.

It is so lame such a silly call could set off so many emotions... I didn't know which to feel, and why I felt them.

Saturday one of my young dancers asked a verify innocent question, one she has probably thinking about for a while. She asked if I was going to get a new husband. Adults have asked that less politely then this young girl and I have been able to recover quickly and answer with wit and poise. But this just brought me to tears. I think because the idea of it being so simple to a child scares me. Do my kids think it is that simple? Do others think that as well? The idea of being alone scares me, I have never had to be alone. EVER. But I think the idea of "replacing" him is even more scary.

I have a child hood friend who lost her father in a horrible way, he was murdered. She posted on her blog some of her thoughts and feelings about that awful day, and since then. I remember that day clear from when I was a younger, and thinking how awful to lose your dad so young. And reading that not only brought back my memories from finding out this awful news, but made me realize what a tragedy my kids have had to face in their young life. I think realizing that it has been 21 years since this tragedy made me realize that my kids have their whole life ahead of them, without him. I lost my mom at 32, and I thought that was far too young, thinking of all her grandkids life events she would miss out on. But then to think in terms of events my kids will not have their father for, weddings, graduations, grandkids... so many things I wish we could have celebrated together. While some of the things I realized while reading her account scared me a little, and even shook me up. It was a huge comfort to see she has emerged from her tragedy a beautiful woman, wife, mother... even without her father physically there. There is no doubt that her father, as well as my hubby will be there at every big event in their lives, and even the small ones... even if we can't see him.

back to the beginning

It has been a really tough few weeks. I thought I was doing pretty good, I have gotten kids where they need to be, and fed them, and made it to work most of the time so I can get a paycheck... but I feel myself shutting down more and more, and I feel so overwhelmed with everything we have to get done. I feel like my life has fallen apart enough with losing him. But then add to that the kids grades slipping, to the point I worry about graduating for my oldest, I feel like with everything that needs to be done on the house it is in such a state of chaos that that adds to our family's disarray. I love keeping the kids busy, I feel like it helps more than anything, to take their frustration out on something physical, but I feel like somedays that is all I do, running kids back and forth. I feel like between running kids and work, there is no time for me to get stuff done I need to. I manage to get out of the house on occasion because I go see a late movie with friends after kids are in bed and when it is too late to accomplish some of the errands on my list, but even that makes me feel a little guilty. Then there is church... I feel so resentful about so many things, but hate to simply shut myself from it if it is my only connection back to Him. I also need to raise the kids in a religion that teaches strong morals and values. But when leaders come and try to lessen my late husbands worth, and when he was around and I asked several times for missionaries to come by, but now when I want nothing to do with them they won't let me baptize my son without the discussions... a baptism the bishop wouldn't let him do because he wasn't attending church because he was too sick. I am tired of hearing how strong I am, and how proud people are of how well I am doing. If they saw me in the physical state in which my mind is all the time they wouldn't be saying that... however I know enough to try to simply do what I know needs to be done. At home is when I seem to shut down. it is where I feel most alone and miss him the most. I find excuses not to be here... take ALL the kids to do the running around, go pick up dinner, wait at the studio for kids to be done. Even the cemetery feels better then here some days... except when I leave I know he is still there and can't come home with me. I thought time was suppose to make this easier, but I just feel like I am failing more each day to function as I know I should. I am tired of people telling me not to take on too much, don't they get that it is the too much that is getting me through this? How can I tell the kids not to get overwhelmed when I feel that way constantly? I find myself reflecting more and more on those first few days of him being gone. Other widows have told me those are the days that are a blur, or they don't remember, but they come clear in my memory at night. Those first nights without him holding me. Or waking up with his arm around me, but not feeling his breath. I remember feeling like the first days I was overwhelmed with people that I wished would leave, and now I wish they were here, to help me just try to get stuff in order. I know people have their own lives to worry about, and I need to figure out mine on my own... but I don't want to. I feel like God took the 2 closest people in my life. Mom and my hubby. I feel so alone. I know I have loving friends and family that would be here in an instant, but it is not the same. They have their own family... while mine are gone. I am scared of being alone... but the idea of anyone besides him scares me more. I feel like I am truly back at the beginning... fully comprehending what lies ahead now because I have been through it for the past 4 months. I truly wish I could simply shut down... it would be so much easier... but only for me. Please don't misinterpret this... I am not depressed... I simply miss him and I am grieving what who I have lost. There are days I want to just lay in bed curled up and crying... and that would do no one any good... I like going to the cemetery, although the peaceful place we picked out for my mom, is now a place where I find myself yelling at Him, mom and God all in the same breath (and I am certain some of the passersby think I am crazy). While I love the feeling that I can talk to him openly there, I hate leaving... it is like tearing myself away from him. I started this blog for a dumb reason, I continued it with a new intention when I became a widow, not realizing what a blessing it would be to write freely of my thoughts and feelings. I have gone back and read thinking I have made good progress in finding a "new normal" as several grief groups have said we need to do. But only a week ago I was reading back and I thought how easy my grief process was going, at least that is how it sounded when I went back through. A few tough days here and there. I remember thinking, "I hope if someone new to this grief process finds my blog it doesn't give them a false sense of hope in conquering this grief quickly" I think my current post will set anyone of that thinking straight. While I find over all I am functioning as well as can be expected, the downs sometimes hit so hard. I have said before when asked how we were doing, the best way to describe it was that the stretches seemed to get longer, while when the hard times hit, they seemed to hit harder... and this one has lasted a few weeks and hits hard every time.

Whoa!

It has been a tough week... for all of us. Grief counseling went well, she did it for just our family, trying to reach our wide age range. The kids came home and wanted to hear the recordings of Him form his office, I warned them they were hard to hear, but I never expected how hard it would be for them. It resulted in a long tough night, I feel a little guilty hiding them from them for so long, but I felt like I was protecting them, but do I really need to protect them from their own grief?

But it has overall been a tough week. It was my mom's birthday (she passed in April of 2008) so I went to leave her some flowers. When I am having a tough time I like the cemetery because I am mostly alone, and I can yell and scream without anyone seeing me or judging me. I try to be so strong for my kids and for others who I know are having a hard time, and I hate looking vulnerable to them. Lame I know but I have NEVER been one to talk about my feelings, sure I am kinda a boob and cry easily, but that is not usually over things I have such a personal attachment too. For those I am the "Strong" one. I have always been independent in a sense... even though with Him passing it is the first time I have been "alone" while I am still not alone, I have my kiddos.

But back to my cemetery story. My sister in law came to visit His site, and happen to be their the EXACT time I got there for my mom (He and my mom are right next to each other)I don't want anyone to misunderstand, I am so glad that she can find comfort there as well... it just through me off when I was expecting my alone time to deal with a few things.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with other things right now as well... I am trying to get everything in line for going back to school, and finishing hanging paperwork, taxes etc. and trying to get the house somewhat organized so it will simplify our life when it gets busy. But with work, and kids activities I just never seem to have enough time for anything. And I have flipped... I went from never able to sleep and long restless nights, to always tired and never feeling like I get enough sleep.

I have not been as good about asking for help as I should be, partly because I know everyone has their own lives and things to be doing. I need to set a time however to recruit help, and try to get some major thing accomplished. I think mostly I just need to break down and do it, instead of giving in to my exhaustion and sleeping so often.

I just hope that this tough week is not a step backwards, and that we can continue to move forward as we have been adjusting to this new life we have been given. While the kids were having a tough time I asked the kids, "Haven't we been doing OK? Not wonderful, by any means, but OK? Do you think we would be able to do as well as we have if HE wasn't with us constantly helping us? I know he is with us, getting through this... we just can't see him..." While I hope this is true, I wish I knew it was more, and I hope I was at least convincing to them... because I am still struggling.

And also I am feeling so guilty, at night when I am alone, and it is the hardest, I am feeling so sorry for myself... and the idea of being alone after the kids are grown scares me so much... I don't want to be alone, I want him. But I know I can't have him so I wonder if I will ever be with someone else, and I feel guilty. It has only been 4 months, I should not be thinking like that... I know he understands... just listen to HIS choice of songs for his funeral... but I hate how those thoughts creep in my head.

Life...

I have obviously been struggling with a few things lately, faith, house work, organization, cooking, being alone, just to name a few. But I have to say, there are some people that have made this transition seem not only possible, but much easier then it would be to go through this alone. I have been struggling to continue going to my benefits job more and more, I am just feeling SO overwhelmed and that seems the one I would most prefer to cut, but it has to wait for a while until I get some things sorted out. But then I think how blessed I have been to be there. There are some people I have made such a strong connection to, I can't imagine going through all this without them, and I hate to think they may not be as involved in my life if I were to leave this job.

While I am missing him terribly, and hate facing the fact I remain in this life without him, I have to look at all that has been accomplished since he passed. I have gotten closer with my kids, been able to get back to school, regained my driving privledges, been able to get some repairs done to our home... and then I think how sad it took him passing to be able to do these things.

I have to look at the fact that he had been so sick lately, and in near constant pain, both emotionally and physically. No one should have to go through all that he suffered through. While I am feeling so alone and aching for him, I am so glad he is no longer aching as well.

I feel like I am doing okay lately, in some ways I had in my own mind had to force myself not to worry about his health if wasn't going to... something I now feel guilt over, as well as relief that I had mentally stepped back from it. I feel so much guilt over some things lately and I know I shouldn't but I also know that is a huge part of grieving. I feel guilty that I am able to accomplish these things only after he had passed. WHy couldn't I have stepped up before and gotten some of these things accomplished?

I know part of what is dredging up these emotions is the fact that this week I have been trying to get his life insurance filed/applied for. I feel like it has been such a tidal wave of emotion. I have mental spent this money 3 times over, and that makes me feel guilty. Gathering all the information for this has been like ripping the missing hole from me over and over again so shortly after it has begun to fill in as best as could be hoped for. I still don't know why I torture myself reading the police report and the autopsy... but I do. Please don't ask to read them, as I will not pass it along. It is of no benefit to anyone emotionally involved.

I hate seeing the kids in pain as well, I hate that there is nothing I can do for them. I am an adult and this is the type of trauma you never want to feel, and my kids have to go through it so young. I think they are coping and getting through okay, and then I catch a glimpse of them hurting, and we both crumble. I wish I could make it not hurt for them, I almost feel like my being here and he not, they resent me for it a little. And I know they really don't but I especially see it when I have to be the Strict mean parent... and be soft about it as well so they don't push too far away. That is my biggest fear that one of the kids will push too far away in this huge cloud of pain they need to get through.

I think part of my posting was both one of gratitude and a plea. If you know me and my family, PLEASE continue to be here for us. Help with little things when you see we may need it. Offer to be there for my kids if they seem to need a fatherly friend. I like to think I am pretty independent, and can do things on my own... but I find more and more, I am only fooling myself in this way of thinking. I welcome the offers for help, even if I seem reluctant to accept them. Most times I am simply too busy with kids activities to be there when help is offered. I feel I am constantly driving my kids here and there... dinner has turned into which fast food have we NOT had this week... He did almost ALL the cooking. Lately I feel there is little or no room in my schedule for much else, so please keep asking, I will eventually come around, or find the needed time to accept the help I need.

Thank you, and please continue to be there for me and my kids.

Others...

Today was my birthday, and while it was hard without my soul mate, I realized I still have such an endless number of people who love me I should not feel so alone. While it was tough thinking the one I wanted to be there wasn't, it was still so wonderful because I had many who were there. I had a birthday cake for me at my book club, and then I had a party from some close friends at work. Then I was able to spend a day with my kids which was wonderful... and still have a couple people who want to get together.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand, I miss my love more than I could ever express properly in words, however while it has only been 3 months since he was torn from my life, I have realized it is not worth focusing on what I am missing without him. Because if I dwell on that fact, I will miss out on all the people who ARE here for me, and truly love and care about me. And what a tragedy that would be to neglect those who are here for me in this world, for someone who no longer is. I truly believe we will be together again... we better because he is going to get an earful, especially for leaving me to raise 3 teenagers on my own. (it will be 4 for about 3 months at some point)

There is however 1 thing I have found I am regretting more and more lately. I had always taken pride in doing things for others, and being there for others. Now being alone to raise my kids, I find I have little or no time to help others as much as I would like to. Please know while I may not always be good about returning the hundred of favors and love shown to me, I will always be willing... if not always able. At this point in time, the most I can hope to help with is being a listening ear if anyone needs to talk.

So while I was missing Him terribly, it was still a wonderful birthday, with tons of well wishers and a couple of GREAT surprises. My kids got me an ipad, and I even was given an unexpected gift from my hubby. A favourite restaurant of ours takes pictures of guest celebrating special occasions, and posts them on their walls, which are COVERED. He and I went often, so I was certain there would be at least one. SO we looked around, and then asked if they had the older ones somewhere. They brought us a stack on albums, and we all searched, and found a picture of he and I there for his birthday a few years ago. I broke down. Even on the other side of this life he send me something, a wonderful memory I will always treasure. Thank You my love.