Stronger?

I wrote and commented on here before about how tired I was of hearing how strong I am, or how good I am doing, and I thought how nobody knows how they would react if placed in the same situation. You do what you  have to do, when you have kids you have no choice. There are days I prefer to curl up in a ball and cry, but what kind of an example is that to my kids? I think at first I was tired of hearing it because it was a compliment disguised as encouragement, hidden as a reminder of what my life is now.
I think after 15 months I am ready to take that as a true compliment. (and for me that is huge, since I have never taken compliments well... and still don't. Kris would tell me to just say thank you... I still struggle with that) I have grown in the past year, in ways I would never wish on anyone. In my adolescent psych class we were asked at what age/point in your life do you feel you have reached adulthood. many said that although they are married and raising families, they still turned to their parents for advice/guidance, and felt like they needed to "answer" to them in someways. It was in this discussion that after 35 years of life, 4 children, and 2 close deaths later I have truly reached my adulthood/independence. With no one to answer to, my dad is involved in his new wife and stepson, and 4 children who rely wholly on myself for support, guidance, structure (even if they are teenagers and don't admit it) I have reached that point in my life. I am so confident in this realization, even if I were to marry and have another adult to lean on, I would still be at this point in my life... just with support.
I can see my growth, how I have become stronger, but that does not mean I no longer hurt. It does not mean I am not lonely. It does not mean I no longer need help and guidance from friends and family. If anything I need it more than ever with this realization of how truly alone I am now in this world.
So what inspired this post? I have been in school now for two and a half semesters, in the last couple classes I have been complimented for how I have handled what I have gone through. ANd again I am not sure how to handle the praise. I don't feel I deserve it. A simple thank you doesn't seem sufficient.

V-Day

It is Valentine's day. Kris and I didn't always do something romantic to celebrate, but he always showed me how much he loved me. One year we took the kids swimming, it was great, we had the pool all to ourselves.
One time I was so mad at him, he agreed to work on Valentine's after I had planned a nice night. So I went out and bought lots of sexy things to tease him with, wrapped it up cute and delivered it to work... just to show him what he was missing.
His birthday is the week before and mine 3 weeks later so often times when money was tight, we would choose one of those to go out, and the other two we would have a quiet night at home. He would even watch sappy movies with me, and pretend not to like them...
He was a wonderful cook, and would always make me wonderful dinners to surprise me, I think later in our marriage he preferred this to going out, because he was enjoying cooking more and more.
He was good about flowers as well, and he had a talent for knowing where to get the good ones that would last the longest. One year I got some for V-day that were so beautiful, and by my birthday 3 weeks later they were still in full bloom.
I miss someone coming up and giving me a hug and telling me I love you randomly. I miss the quick pecks letting me know he loves me. I miss the hot bubble baths waiting for me by candle light after a long day.
I claim to be a die hard romantic, but I was NOTHING compared to Kris. I think I preferred the shock value.
Surprising him at dinner that I wasn't wearing panties, and watching him blush and not know what to do. Picking him up from work in nothing but his trench coat. Stealing the keys to the car in a parking garage until after he kissed me all over to find them.
I guess I miss the crazy fun stuff we would do. And I miss being that important to someone. I know I am to my kids, but not in that way. And sure I am dating a friend, but I have recently realized that if I date someone with kids, their kids will always come before me, and rightfully so. I just miss Kris reminding the kids that I came first, and I need to be respected. He of course loved them above all, but knew that they needed to be reminded that he would always side with me, and that they should as well...
So realizing this, it has made me wonder what is out there for me? I do NOT want to live the rest of my life alone, but nor do I want to settle for anything less than I deserve... And who knows maybe this relationship I am slowing building just has not reached that point, and needs to be given time.
I hate that I have to even deal with these thoughts and issues. I just miss Kris, and wish he was back with me.

Dates/numbers

My lucky number has ALWAYS been 5, or multiples of 5. Why? Because my birthday is the 5th. When I met Kris he argued with me that 7 was luckier, it even was a joke with us for a long time. "I love you time 5" "I love you times 7, it is more, I win" "Quality is always better than quantity! I Win"So when it came to our wedding date, when one of the reception centers had the 6th available (it was a quick engagement) we knew it was meant to be... our compromise.

I have never loved math, but numbers and dates have always fascinated me. Like my dad is an Aquarius, and my mom was a Pisces, Kris was Aquarius, I am a Pisces, Our oldest son is an Aquarius, Our oldest daughter is an Aquarius. Some how it all made sense in my mind and fit together like some puzzle I only know about. Then comes birthday/deathday numbers... My mom was born 3/15/53 (all odd numbers) and died 4/6/08 (all even numbers). Kris was born 2/7/77 (even, the rest odd) and died 11/12/10 (odd the rest even) I know this doesn't matter to anyone else, but for some reason it sticks in my head and fits... making some kind of sense in a situation that otherwise would haunt me until I could make some kind of sense of it.

This is the thing that now has me struggling... My dad has remarried, his new wife's birthday is on the day of my mother's passing... 4/6. Some kind of a link to my mom making it work... I am dating a friend of mine I have known for most of my life. His birthday is the day after Kris's, one number different. It is so odd to go from a Tuesday missing my husband greatly and wishing he was here to celebrate with us, to Wednesday night having a party celebrating another year with his family. I am not sure what to make of this connection yet... but until then I guess I am just going along for the ride.

35...

He should be turning 35 today. He should be here celebrating with us. He should be telling me to get going on my homework. But he isn't, and he won't be. I made it through another of his birthdays without him...

Down

I have been doing really good lately, if I do say so myself. But these past few days I am really struggling. I feel like everything is reminding me of him and what I no longer have. Sure it has been 14 months, and I thought I was doing great... But I am feeling so low lately.
In one of my classes we have been discussing human nature, a topic he and I would debate often. I hated dark stories of an evil nature like lord of the flies, while it fascinated him. While I would never convert to his way of thinking, he had a way of opening my eyes so I could see past my happy blinders... but not too much to scare me out of my comfort zone. I miss talking to him and falling asleep in mid sentence... he would usually tell me to shut up and go to sleep.
I have wanted a good cry for a while now, but it would never come, despite "tricks" I would use to make them fall. I have sat in the shower as the water went from near scalding to freezing, but I just sit there lost, empty. I have gone to the cemetery yelling at him, mad that he left me, eyes wet from yelling... but the relief from the bath of tears did not follow. I sat in a restaurant, trying to imagine what he would say to me. His thoughts on books I am reading, trying to grasp any hint of how his mind worked, but nothing. I have written, even now, I feel the soft brush of a warm tear or two escape... but nothing like the release I have been begging to come.
I have still been seeing my friend. The kids will tease that we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" and that scares me. It is nice to have someone, and even feel them embrace me, but I worry I am using him to fill a void, and hole I am not ready to fill. I know he has been hurt in the recent past and wants it to go slow as well, but while I love the companionship... I am scared of it as well.
I just want him back. I thinkI can point to where I started going downhill when I went with my friend to a fireside... it was a really great one... about relationships. I had a great relationship, and I lost it. I have had many ups since then, but I feel like the downs are beginning to weigh down on me. I think I am going to take a break from "dating" but, I am not ready like I thought I was. Perhaps that was what I needed to see to realize I am not ready to move forward yet.
I just want to know when I will start going up... I am tired of this downhill slope.