Rainy day...

Maybe it is the drizzling rain, or just the atmosphere that it seems to bring with it, but it is on days like this I really find myself missing Kris. I need to leave for work in 15 minutes, and yet I have been sitting here sobbing for 45 mins, when the kids all left for school. I just want him to be there for me, hold me tell me things will work out. I want him here to talk to the kids when they are struggling. I am not the patient one, he is. So then after crying uncontrollably for some time I decide to look at pictures, and cry more, then I play his voice clips, and cry more, and now I can't stop. I was already stressed, and I thought I had been doing good, then I have these break downs, and I just want him back. I think I trick myself, I tell myself I am doing good, to look at what I have accomplished, that I am being strong for the kids... but I think it is me trying to lure me into a false comfort zone so I can continue to fake it. Because I feel like these breakdowns (and while they have become much less frequent) are how I feel all the time... but I simply suppress the emotions that want to come out. Then I fell like this broken person pretending to be ok. I am good at this "OK" me. I have returned to school, and done pretty good, maintained my job, pushed the kids in their school, even made myself start to date (although the only one I have enjoyed is with a friend I have know for years, and knew I was comfortable with him). SO what is wrong with me? Do I sabotage myself with these breakdowns? Or is it because I try to restrain them I fall apart so completely when they hit? Last year I was given the opportunity to have family pictures done by a photo studio, I declined it because I was not ready see those family pictures, with a huge someone missing from them. They told me to call anytime when I was ready to do them, and I thought maybe this year I am ready... but this breakdown shows I am not. I have had several widowed friends recently remarry... and they were widowed around the same time as I was... and at first I think I am so jealous that they have found happiness again, but then I realize I am not ready... I don't want anyone except Kris... I began writing because I thought it would help sort out my thoughts and calm me down before work, but that has not been the case, I am still sobbing, and now need to leave (but get ready first)... I want to be done with this...

Am I an MIA Parent?

Lately I have not been doing good... not sure if it is because we are approaching the 2 year mark, or because I am the only person pushing to keep me from curling up and becoming a hermit, and I am starting to lose this battle... but I am not in a good place.

I sleep, ALOT, just not good. every free minute I can I take a nap. Before Kris passed it was a sign of me slipping into depression, now I justify it because I don't sleep well at night. At night I toss and turn waking up often, or just lay there trying to fall asleep until I realize I have been laying there for hours and it is now 2 am and I have yet to sleep. Then on weekends when work is done I come home and sleep, until I realize I haven't fed the kids, and don't even know where half of them are. I am sure the neighborhood thinks I am the worst mom since my youngest is out until late playing with lots of friends... My other ones come and go with friends, but when any of them are here it is usually watching tv or playing on the computer... I am certain because that is the example I am setting.

I don't claim to have been a perfect parent before, but I am much further from it than I have ever been, and rather than snapping me out of this funk, I find it pushing me further into it, giving up, figure why bother. I make excuses for myself, and they are bad excuses too... like justifying naps as I am just tired rather than the depression I am sure it is. A headache that until recently would have barely been a hiccup in my day (I have constant headaches for as long as I can remember) now seem to require all day in bed. I have no reason to clean my room since before it was because Kris cared, and now it is just me and I don't care.

I justify TV because I need that background noise, I hate the quiet. I hate who I am and who I have become. I miss people. I miss friends making an effort to check on me. I was never good at asking for help, or admitting I need it... but I got better when Kris passed because I had to for the kids. Now they have become pretty self sufficient and I let them, and don't ask for help as much as I should.

I have people offering help and asking what they can do for me... but I hate to admit failure in any aspect of my life, and I honestly wouldn't know where to ask anyone to start. Money is tight for us, but I am sure it is for everyone, and time is valuable, so why would I ask someone to give up their time? My house need to be cleaned, but how embarrassing is it that I have more than capable people here who just don't care enough to clean. (Don't get me wrong, our house is not filthy or anything, just needs some order). I guess I need a friend who will just check on me, and ignore my arguments of offers to help... but I think I push friends like that away.

I have so many different friends, my dance family friends, my family friends, ikea friends, neighborhood and ward friends, old school friends, but I feel like I am still missing such a huge friend with kris being gone. I miss someone caring about things I care about if only it is because I care about them that he cares... I miss having someone that cares about me that no matter how busy he may get, I know he will make time for me, I miss someone to hold me and care about me to stay with me for hours listening to my irrational stresses and insist it will all work out, I miss that friend who knew when to tell me to snap out of it when I was being pathetic...

Hair Dye...

This is going to be a strange post about one reason I miss my hubby...

A couple weeks ago I was with a friend who shaves his head bald like Kris did (well I did for him). He had nicked himself and I commented on how well he did despite that. He said he had gotten good at it by relying on feel. I joked and said Kris got good at it by asking me. He said I am sure he would be much easier with someone to help... and maybe it was more that personal touch and service from someone and to someone you care about. I had been reflecting on this off and on since then... I miss being of service to him... but tonight I realized I miss that service from him just as much if not more...

I have always been very blonde, until my youngest son was born when my hair went to a darker blonde. I lived with it for a while, but soon after didn't feel like myself... and since then I have had a love hate relationship with hair dye. I had highlights put in, low lights put in, and liked those ok, but the cost of up keep was a lot for a young broke couple with 4 kids... plus it wasn't my blonde self. So I talked to a hairdresser friend of mine about which bleach to buy for my hair. She gave me all the info and Kris and I both went to the beauty supply to get it and find out how to do it. We went home and I got the majority of my hair coated, but he helped finish up making certain I hadn't missed any spots, and it always came out well. Even the fun colours I would do to amuse myself, my kids, and my students for Halloween and summer, and any other holidays I could justify having pink or orange hair. (I even tried red and brown and black... but none of them suited me as well).

Tonight I tried again to bleach the roots of my hair and even it out from the last time when I missed spots. It still came out uneven. SO I decided to try my orange dye I had bought for Halloween to hide that fact. It still looks blotchy... but I am ok with it. It reminds me of who is missing. That while I do ok on my own, it will never be as good as it was with him.

Not myself...

I have come to the conclusion that while I try my best to put on the appearance that I am doing well, and I am back to my busy self after the loss of Kris... I am not. I am simply imitating how I want to be, but in reality, I come home and curl up and sleep. I have many obligations that I have committed myself and the kids too, and while I am very busy, I cling to the idea of just zoning out. I feel like I am always exhausted and I am always playing catch-up on something, whether it be money, homework, housework, kids things... I am always falling short. It is like I crave that sleep, zoning out time because I am unaware for that short time of how lonely I am, and how much I miss Kris... but when I am awake, I am so aware and I just want to forget or pretend it didn't happen. I am almost 2 years out from that horrible day... I thought I would be able to function better by now. I think I thought the support I had so strong from outside sources would still be there. I hate asking for helping, or even admitting I need it, and the first year, people would just help, and not wait for me to ask. Now I feel like I need help more than ever, and even when people offer I can't accept it, because I don't know what I need, or where to start. I am the one who can get everything done, who has a lot on her plate, who finds time to make that extra effort... but lately I can't make any effort for me or let alone anyone else, and I need to.