Shower

So With this whole journey I have learned something have very mixed emotions for me. The main one being the shower. I feel like in most cases it is my only escape, I can shut myself in there away from everyone, my kids, the phone, the rest of the world who still have their other half. While I am in there however I have learned I can break down if I need to, and often times do. So when I really only need or have time for a quick shower, it kinda backfires and I spend a much longer time in there than intended, and break down. But I also love that feeling of the shower, because if I close my arms it almost feels like he is once again there touching me in his ever so gentle yet firm caress. While this is a nice memory and connection to him, it is also hard.

The other thing that is such a mixed blessing is his grave being right next to my mother's. While I truly mourn the loss of both of them, it is difficult to separate them, and grieve for one or the other when there is such a blatant reminder of them both side by side. Others have said they avoid the cemetery because it reminds them of the loss, and not the good memories, however I revel in the peace and solitude that usually evades me with a house full of our kids. It is some of the only alone time I can muster. But I also enjoy it because I have memories of Kris there. He would go with me to visit my mom's grave, and we would walk in the beautiful pond area and talk, it was peaceful, and gave me a memory of him there, one I don't have of my mom.

My kids, I hate seeing them hurt and I can't do anything to fix it. Often times I would think if I didn't have them I could get through this much easier, but then I realize many times they are what get me through. I just wish I didn't have to see them hurt so much.

The last is this house. It is his parents house, but it was our home the last 6 years. I am grateful for the memories we have here, and while I am not ready to leave it behind, I must. We have been asked to be out by the new year. While I think in the long run it will for the best, I will no longer have any obligations to my in laws, nor be tied to them, it is going to be hard to start somewhere new and know he would be going there with us. It is so hard to think of packing up all his things, and finding a home for them with out him. But perhaps this fresh start will be good for us.

Writing is another (wow when I started this I only had 2 or 3 things in mind, and now this list grows as I write) while it is a huge release, and a way for me to sort out my thoughts, going to school I find I am forced to write things I am not really relating too. I enjoy writing as a release, but because of that, I am hate feeling my emotions come to the surface, I like being able to deal them this way, but it makes other writing hard.

Getting out, I am so tired of being alone, but then I try to get out, go dancing or something, and another guy talks to me or asks me to dance, and I feel guilty at first, then weird to be with another guy, even if for only a few minutes. I really want to just get out on occasion, but when I think I am ready for it, I really am not, no matter how much I want to be.

Keeping busy, it is so good for me to be busy, school, work, extras, kids stuff... but then I think sometimes I get so caught up in the busy I miss out on the other stuff. This is why my job was only part time so one of us could be with kids, so they weren't alone often... and now it is turning into that. I hate it. So much for planning, now I have to be both mom and dad... it is good to keep busy, but am I giving myself time to mourn?

Forgotten...

I survived the first years, thanks to the love and kindness of many friends and family. They would take me out when I seemed down, or show up when I just needed someone.  Others who have lost a spouse have complained that eventually with time, others seem to forget. I just couldn't believe that. I thought for certain this awesome love and support I have had would endure as long as I needed it. Now don't get me wrong, I know they still care for me, and think of me. But I don't feel them being there for me. I miss company on weekends, several invitations to go to a movie, or grab a bite for dinner, something to get me out of my house. But lately I feel if I don't do the inviting, I find myself alone.

I had my first real glimpse of this forgotten feeling the week of the anniversary of his passing. I was already struggling, with not only his anniversary approaching, but other issues in life, and my in-laws choose that week to tell me I must be out by the first of the year. I think they feel that after 1 year I should be ready financially, and emotionally to move on... seriously! Then I have friends from the job I quit, that I worried if I quit I wouldn't see them as often... and I don't. I know they are busy with their own lives, but I miss those friendships. I know before I often was busy, and had to miss out on a lot of things with school, and my job, and kids... but I still would always be invited in case I could make it. Or if I was having an especially tough day I would miss it... but they would understand and still invite me.

Perhaps I am reading way too much into this, which I tend to do often, but I am feeling really lonely lately. I realize I need to get out, but it is hard to do alone, and most of my friends are married. But I still feel like I fit into that category, not single.

Our Last Night...

Sitting here on the eve of the anniversary of his passing, I can't help but picture in great detail the events of this night a year ago. Some of the details i am grateful to have such a clear recollection, others I wish would fade taking with it some of my guilt. I arrived home from work thanks to a kind friend dropping me off. While I sat and talked with her in the car, he came out and told me to hurry and escorted me inside. He had made dinner and gotten kids all ready for bed, but had set up a movie and popcorn and treats to watch a movie as a family, Harry Potter 6 so we were ready for the movie the following week. I argued the kids had school, but he insisted. After eating he asked if I would shave his head. The last act of service I performed for him while still alive. I am so grateful I did not put up the fight I usually did when he asked me this favor. After shaving his head, we laid down to finish watching the movie, since the kids fell asleep. We both fell asleep soon after. But I awoke in the middle of the night to his snoring and decided to go back upstairs so I wouldn't miss the alarm, and would be able to wake everyone up. I wish I had stayed with him all night for what was to be our final night together.

I find myself now, the early morning of the anniversary of his death, unable to sleep. I have remembered him by listening to his memorial services, he was so greatly loved, I just hope he knows that, for it is something he often doubted. He was my soul mate, and truer words were never spoken. We knew each other, understood each other, and connected with each other so deeply we were usually very perceptive of when the other was hurting. Many nights he would try to be quiet while he was ill and not wake me, but even still I would get up, noticing the large presence absent from my side. I wish now I didn't go back to sleep like he would insist, but would have stayed with him until he felt well enough to return to bed. We both knew the day we met we were met to be together. He told his sister he had met the girl he would marry, and I kissed him before I even knew his last name.

I miss him now more than ever. It still feels as if a large hole is missing from me, that despite being filled with love, and generosity, and kindness from family, friends, and strangers even, that missing piece will never again fit properly until I am once again by his side.

I have had some of the most trying weeks of my life recently, as this painful anniversary approaches, I am confident we as a family will get through this as we having with the huge loss of Kris. While I wish he was still by my side, I am grateful for the love and kindness shown to me this past year. For all the things I have accomplished on my own. For how brave my children are in facing this adult situation at such a young age. I have grown stronger for it, and know he has been with me through it, pushing me when I have nearly fallen.

To remember him I asked friends, family, classmates, anyone I have known to remember him on this anniversary in a special way. By performing an act of service, kindness, or compassion for someone else. The commitment I have received has brought a smile to my face every time I think about all those people thinking of him tomorrow. I am now inviting any of you who read this to join us, Saturday the 12th by performing an act of service or kindness towards someone else, and tell me about what you did here, or email me. What a great legacy to pass on from the tragedy of losing ones spouse at such a young age.

Looking back I wish I had posted more often. Someone wise once commented on a post in which I was feeling like I had not grown, nor become more accepting of my loss like I should. This wise person noted that they knew I was getting through because of the space growing between my posts. I feel like this was how I coped, and without writing here, I have been bottling up what I need to let out. So I am going to try to continue to keep this up more as I continue to face difficult challenges in my life, so I can watch as I work through the mix of emotions I have felt.

I made it the first year... not looking forward to the next, but I know I can do it.