Not in a good place...

I am not in a good place right now, I am so overwhelmed lately, and I feel like i ma just burying myself deeper and deeper behind my grief to try and cover it. I am not one that likes to ask for help, I am stubborn and independent and to admit I feel like I am failing is hard for me. But I am failing, I am failing in school, in work, in being a parent, in taking care of myself and the house... I feel like I need Kris here to talk to and it can't happen. I fall asleep and catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of him in a dream and I will myself to fall asleep. I want someone close to me to be there, but they have their own families, their own issues to work through... I am alone in this. I think what hurts most is I know the kids can feel my despair... they are pushing limits, doing things they never would have dared, and I am finding myself further and further from ... myself. I met a couple other widow(er)s from a group and I thought it would help... and while they can truly sympathize, they have their own issues and I am alone still. I hate being alone... I have never done well alone, and I have never had to be alone for any length of time. Growing up I had my parents, while Kris was away with the military I had my parents, when I lost my mom, I had Kris... I have always had someone as invested in me and my family and my interests until now. Now the kids are always fighting... and jump at every chance to go with friends, I find myself curled up in bed (which is still the couch) more and more often. I just want him here. I want my best friend that loved me and understood me. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want my kids to have a dad here backing me up when I can't say no. I want him. I miss him. I am tired of pretending I don't hurt. Help

Lost Limb

A friend and I went to see soul surfer at the movie theater tonight, it was just suppose to be a quick night out... but it truly got me thinking. I sobbed through the whole thing, and wondered why... until on the way home it dawned on me, when I lost him, I lost a limb. I lost a crucial part of myself that day, a part that I will never truly get back. I will be able to do many of the things I did before, just as I did before... but somethings I did before will be harder.

There were parts from the movie, that go along with my religion... that God has a plan for me... that I am still at odds with, but it did get me thinking. Why would God take him from me? from our kids? I may never know... and part of me would prefer not to know... what would I need to learn by taking my husband from me?

But overall I loved the hope it gave me... it will be a struggle for a while, until I find a new way to adapt... and I don't have to "win" or do things perfectly... just trying is HUGE...

A switch...

When I started this blog I wrote when I was having a hard time, a tough day, or especially missing him... now I find I am trying to write on positive days, and avoid writing when I am too emotional. I liked seeing how much I had improved I think.

But I have been having such a tough time lately, and I think I hate having to admit it. He was the chatty neighbor everyone was out talking to late into the summer nights, I hate pulling up and not seeing him standing there. I am feeling so overwhelmed lately, and I hate to admit I am overdoing it, I feel like that is admitting failure of some sort. I took on things to better our situation, some before we lost him, some after.

I hate the type of parent I have become, I hate being the bad guy all the time, it is easier to give in, and I hate what my kids are becoming because of it.

I am tired of having to be the strong one, and hearing how strong or well I am doing. Can they not see lately I am barely holding mine and my kids lives together. I think they are trying to help, but it only makes me feel worse. Like a false praise you don't deserve. Why should I be complimented on how I am doing without him? The days I think go the best... end in me sobbing, feeling guilty I AM getting by ok without him... I am not suppose to be ok without him, aren't I?

I miss having my best friend who is there solely for me... I have to be there for my kids, who are all at the stage where they are only there for their friends or themselves. My in-laws call to check on me and they end up telling me the same crap, I am doing so well, you are so strong, etc. and then end asking how I am doing it, they can't handle it, and cry to to me. My brother and sister have their own families so can only be there so often. And my dad, who is also a widow, whom I thought I could count on for help and support has remarried, and I feel has forgotten I need my daddy more than ever. I have great friends who are really trying, but my married friends still have a hubby to go home to... I want him back.