3 years

I thought I would be "over" this by now.
I thought I would have gotten good at it.
I had expected to have proven I am strong enough to handle it.

I keep telling myself it will get better, and we are doing fine.

But the truth is, I lie to myself.

I tell my brain we are doing it, but my body knows. It knows every year as November approaches it is another anniversary, no matter how hard I try not to acknowledge it. I try to cover up the tragic date with acts of kindness in memory of him. But somehow my loss still over shadows it.

I trick myself into thinking I am doing good because I get to where I am suppose to be each day and my kids are where they go. I arrive with what sometimes feels like a fake face hiding behind the make-up. (A trick I learned early on, if you look good, people are less likely to ask how you are.)

The truth is I feel more alone than I ever did.

I lost my mom 5 and a half years ago. I lost Kris 3 years ago today. But I feel I have lost countless friends throughout my life as well. I am not always sure why I have fallen out of touch with them, but here are some thoughts on it. Some I think were close to Kris, and have a hard time seeing me with out him. The whole out of sight, out of mind thing.  Some I think we have just got such busy lives it is tough to fit one another in as often. Some I think just don't realize how much I truly need them. They think because I keep busy I am doing ok. I think what it is, is I am just much more aware of loss than I was. I truly miss when I lose contact with those whom I was close to.