Lately I have been a wreck, every little thing seems to set me off. But at the same time I am finally to a point where I can remember something about him and not collapse in tears.
I found myself at the cemetery late last night. ( I seem to always go late, I feel I can yell and say anything without others hearing it.) My latest struggle has been feeling so alone. I am so grateful that I have my kids with me, but sometimes despite the fact that they are around, I feel so alone. I hate the nights the most. It dawned on me just last night that the reason I don't sleep well is because I hate falling asleep alone, I hate waking up alone. It is easier to try to stay awake.
I am also wondering if I am throwing myself into dating too soon. I wonder if my loneliness is more missing him, or just the company. I know I am trying to fill a void. Late at night I will search facebook, when I see a group of friends I havent seen for a while I will invite them to lunch, dinner, anything to have something to look forward to, something to get me out of the house. Plus if I plan it when the day arrives I HAVE to go, since I planned it. Other times when I get an invite when the day arrives, I want to crawl in my bed and avoid the world.
Who would have thought there would be such HUGE differences between the first year out and the second. (And not just because we have moved) The first year I had friends and family trying to get me out, keep me social, checking on me. This year I feel like I have to be the one driving me to get out. I feel forgotten. The first year people were expecting the emotions to be right there, this year when they hit me or the kids, I often hear quietly "Hasn't it been a while", or "Isn't time they move on" or just that look, the look that used to be pity, but now it looks more like they are rolling their eyes in their head.
Also I am tired of hearing that if this were to happen to them they don't think they would date again, or could date again, or some other form of I can't believe you are doing that. Well then I hope you are never forced into this awkward position. While I am a very independent person and always have been (Ask my aunt, one thing she said to me after I lost Kris was, "Independent Alli is going to have to learn to ask for help". The first year I got really good at asking for help. I was confident in what I was doing was right, and wasn't over stretching my budget or myself. But now I find I am in a new house with a rent 3 times what it was before. I have felt many times that it was the right decision to move here, and had lots of confirmation it was right, but I hate to ask for help because maybe I am wrong and I did overstep. But I do know it was right to not have a drastic move for the kids right now. They needed as little change as possible. So when things get tight, I hate to even ask... since in many ways I put myself in this position.
I also hate hearing that the kids need to go work, get a job, help provide. They were forced into such an adult situation far too young, why would I expect them to put themselves into another adult situation before they need to be? I get they need to help out, and they do when they can. My oldest has been mowing lawns and doing other odd jobs as needed. But he needs to focus on school right now and graduating... he shut down after his dad died and has lots to catch up on... so why would I add a job to his stress. He is learning to balance many things, like school, and extra curriculars like the ballroom team, wrestling, and dance, all of which will help get into a good college. My oldest daughter has been babysitting and pitching in whenever she can as well... but she needs to focus on school too. I appreciate the advice, but as far as how to raise our kids, Kris and I actually talked about it quite a bit, so I know what his wishes were.
I miss arguing with him... trying to prove a point only to find he totally agrees with me. I miss someone caring about stuff I like, even if he didn't. The other day I was looking forward to the showing of No Doubt's new video... I just wanted someone to act interested, take an interest in something I was looking forward too... do you think any of my four kids would watch it with me? Nope... now kris would laugh at me and tease me for being so excited, but he would watch it with me, if only to humor me. I want someone to care about things I am interested in again... even if it is attached with his usual comment, "you know I really don't care right?" I know he could care less about a scrapbook page I made, or a video I liked, or even my ideas for music for work... but he would listen and tell me he loved me, and liked how excited I would get about things.
I haven't physically hurt from missing him in a while, but lately I have been aching, I have just curled up in bed more and more lately. I need to get out and live again... but it is hard when I am feeling forgotten. The kids are great, but they have friends they prefer to be with friends... and then they are finally home spending time with me, but want my constant attention. "Do my hair" "rub my back" take me to my friends" "take my friend home" "can we have mcdonalds" rarely is it about me. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, or like I need some attention... but once in a while I do.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Healing...
In the past twenty months I have been on an emotional roller coaster that many days feels I am still riding. I have read articles, listened to advice from not only friends and family, but also those who have been on the ride, and still I struggle to find something that heals my wounds. Sure there are lots of band-aids that seem to hold myself together at the seam while I am trying to heal emotionally, but often something rips it off, revealing the wound, and reopening it, until I can quickly find another band-aid...
Some of the most common things that rip that covering off are seeing my kids miss their father, hearing friends complain about their spouse, hearing about parent's that have chosen to be absent from their kids lives, weddings, holidays, cooking, late sleepless nights, his favourite movie or book, or food... I could go on and on...
But what I wanted to focus on was what heals these wounds, and I want it known there will ALWAYS be a scar, he left a HUGE mark on our lives and that just doesn't "go away" as anyone who has lost a loved one can attest too, but there are things that heal the wound, not simply cover it, and I have learned the distinction between them as I ride this journey.
My band-aids for this past year, have been hiding in my house. Keeping overly busy with school, work. Driving, going anywhere but home where I again face the harsh reality that he is no longer there. TV shows, movies, internet... media that benefits no one, but allows me to zone out far too often than necessary.
Recently I have realized what truly helps me heal. Devoting individual time with each of my children, it allows me a view into what they are feeling, and helps me stretch to find ways that helps us both. Spending time with genuine friends and family... not just "fillers' that fill a void. (Yes I have met a few of these, past friends who make it fill like the owe it to me or Kris, "dates" I have gone on, groups I fill like a third wheel being there.) Writing, I have realized in the past few months where I have done less writing I am feeling myself dip back into earlier days of these journey where I feel kinda helpless, and I have not been writing. Writing helps me see on paper how far I have come... help me see solutions to problems that before seemed hopeless... remember things about Kris that were special, and that I don't want to forget. I have also recently remembered how much I miss exercise, working out, anything that gets me moving and active. I always said I love ballet because it is an hour out of a full day where I am totally, selfishly focused on me and no one else... you can't let your mind wander or you will find and something out of place. While I have not gotten back to dance yet (because I feel I need to be a little more back to myself first) I have found I miss that "me" time. I need to devote time to bettering myself, not only for me, but for my family as well.
And then there is the list of things I avoid until I am further in on my journey... Harry Potter books and movies... Kris loved to read, so did I. These were one of the few books that we both loved. I miss nights talking about them, comparing them to the movies, speculating while we were waiting for the next installment. I have not been able to read them since he passed, when I would make it a point to read them once a year. I can't watch the movies... we would fall asleep to them discussing what we liked about them and didn't. (I did go see the 2 moves that came out since his passing, and bought them, but have only watched them the one) I miss shopping with him, he made a chore I disliked into a game in which I spent time with him... now I only do it when I absolutely must. Same with cooking, a chore he enjoyed, and one I still avoid... Cleaning. I have no one who appreciates the time it takes to keep it nice... so I don't bother. My room is a mess and the only one it affects is me... I wish I had him here to ask me to clean it. There are certain places I avoid because I only enjoyed them because I was with him, and he made it fun... Boondocks is the last place we spent our last anniversary. Fishing was his thing...a love he passed to the boys... but I can't go without crying... the mountains and camping... but I am determined to face that one in a month.
I am far from healed, and still have an open wound that needs constant protection... but it is healing and I am certain there will be a point in which it heals with a tender scar, and the need to constantly protect it from tearing open will be much lessened. But until then I am doing the best I can, and trying to find ways to heal... please don't forget me, and continue to be there when I need you... even if I forget what I need, and that I may need to ask for it.
Some of the most common things that rip that covering off are seeing my kids miss their father, hearing friends complain about their spouse, hearing about parent's that have chosen to be absent from their kids lives, weddings, holidays, cooking, late sleepless nights, his favourite movie or book, or food... I could go on and on...
But what I wanted to focus on was what heals these wounds, and I want it known there will ALWAYS be a scar, he left a HUGE mark on our lives and that just doesn't "go away" as anyone who has lost a loved one can attest too, but there are things that heal the wound, not simply cover it, and I have learned the distinction between them as I ride this journey.
My band-aids for this past year, have been hiding in my house. Keeping overly busy with school, work. Driving, going anywhere but home where I again face the harsh reality that he is no longer there. TV shows, movies, internet... media that benefits no one, but allows me to zone out far too often than necessary.
Recently I have realized what truly helps me heal. Devoting individual time with each of my children, it allows me a view into what they are feeling, and helps me stretch to find ways that helps us both. Spending time with genuine friends and family... not just "fillers' that fill a void. (Yes I have met a few of these, past friends who make it fill like the owe it to me or Kris, "dates" I have gone on, groups I fill like a third wheel being there.) Writing, I have realized in the past few months where I have done less writing I am feeling myself dip back into earlier days of these journey where I feel kinda helpless, and I have not been writing. Writing helps me see on paper how far I have come... help me see solutions to problems that before seemed hopeless... remember things about Kris that were special, and that I don't want to forget. I have also recently remembered how much I miss exercise, working out, anything that gets me moving and active. I always said I love ballet because it is an hour out of a full day where I am totally, selfishly focused on me and no one else... you can't let your mind wander or you will find and something out of place. While I have not gotten back to dance yet (because I feel I need to be a little more back to myself first) I have found I miss that "me" time. I need to devote time to bettering myself, not only for me, but for my family as well.
And then there is the list of things I avoid until I am further in on my journey... Harry Potter books and movies... Kris loved to read, so did I. These were one of the few books that we both loved. I miss nights talking about them, comparing them to the movies, speculating while we were waiting for the next installment. I have not been able to read them since he passed, when I would make it a point to read them once a year. I can't watch the movies... we would fall asleep to them discussing what we liked about them and didn't. (I did go see the 2 moves that came out since his passing, and bought them, but have only watched them the one) I miss shopping with him, he made a chore I disliked into a game in which I spent time with him... now I only do it when I absolutely must. Same with cooking, a chore he enjoyed, and one I still avoid... Cleaning. I have no one who appreciates the time it takes to keep it nice... so I don't bother. My room is a mess and the only one it affects is me... I wish I had him here to ask me to clean it. There are certain places I avoid because I only enjoyed them because I was with him, and he made it fun... Boondocks is the last place we spent our last anniversary. Fishing was his thing...a love he passed to the boys... but I can't go without crying... the mountains and camping... but I am determined to face that one in a month.
I am far from healed, and still have an open wound that needs constant protection... but it is healing and I am certain there will be a point in which it heals with a tender scar, and the need to constantly protect it from tearing open will be much lessened. But until then I am doing the best I can, and trying to find ways to heal... please don't forget me, and continue to be there when I need you... even if I forget what I need, and that I may need to ask for it.
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