Done with 2011!

I can not wait to be done with this awful year. Had more deaths, and a year of firsts, and it was the first complete year without him. It has been bittersweet. I say that because despite all the difficulties and obstacles I faced, I was always met with a compassionate friend, ear, someone to help me get through it. It has been tough getting moved out and starting over. Tough reestablishing rules with the kids as they continue to push limits. But good that we have gotten through this, and I know even though I can be tough to live with occasionally my kids will always know I am here for them.
I have been seeing a friend from high school and I can honestly say I am starting to feel happy, a little like the old me. I know he will never replace what I had, but I can be happy again. I am not completely heartless and "over" my loss either. I got a wonderful present from my amazing family, a bronze mold of his hand. It has been so nice to just hold it when I want to hold him, or feel his touch, but I feel again it kind of keeps my emotions on edge. I will always treasure it. I am creating a shelf of Kris, with his flag, pictures, memorials from his life so it is all in a special place so it wouldn't catch me off guard emotionally.
While I feel I still have a lot of healing to do, I feel I am making progress. I have grown, and I can recognize my strengths. I am empowered, but I still have so much to learn. I miss him everyday, but I know he is no longer in pain, and is waiting for me and our children to return to him. I look forward to that day, but until then I have learned there is so much left for me to do.
One of my earlier post I expressed how I felt like I had not grown or made progress in healing when I read through my past posts. A wise friend told me that the gaps in days I have written show I am getting along. I realize I have gone from posting on here daily to hopefully monthly. I can see a change in my attitude and in dealing with our loss. There are still days I feel broken, but I have learned to get up and move forward, even if I do get knocked down. Thanks to everyone who has been here for me with love and support. I hope I can return the blessings you have given me.

To date or not to date...

The topic of dating has come up more and more lately, from family, friends, support groups, even blogs of fellow widows/widowers. I have heard I am young go for it, I have heard it is too soon wait. I think I am ready and decide to go for it, I back out and decide it is too soon. The only thing I have come to a definite conclusion on regarding dating/ the possibility of remarriage is this. I am tired of being alone, I want to get out and have some fun. I miss date nights with my husband, and just talking with him. But I admit the idea of any kind of a relationship scares me. I am one of the fortunate people who had actually discussed it with my husband before he passed, although it was usually in joking, we discussed it. I told him if he remarried I would haunt him and her, but not to worry I would remarry. He told me he would want me to, and knew I would, his choice of funeral song even acknowledged it (please remember me, tim mcgraw at his request... everytime he played it he told me it was his funeral song).

So here is where I am feeling lost... my kids encourage me to go out and have fun, but don't like the idea of me remarrying. I have even had mixed feeling from fellow widows, saying don't rush, or a year is too soon. Yet I feel like widowers seem to have some kind of rush on things. The other thing is how do I "get out there" so to speak. I do NOT want to be one of dating site people... but I don't know how to go about this... Kris and I met in High school...I never had go through the whole dating scene... it scares me a little and I don't know where I would even start.

So for now here are my plans. I will continue working on school, focus on the kids, and make an effort to get out once in a while. If I happen to meet someone great... until then I am a single widow.

Perhaps I am moving fast for a widow... but as I mentioned, it seems widowers move a little faster... Kris and I always laughed because when suggested we read men are from mars and women from venus... we were so opposite. I had more of the male characteristics, while in many ways he the feminine. Perhaps that is why while I ache for him, and miss him constantly, I long for that companionship. Someone to talk with and communicate with late into the night. Perhaps it is because of this tendency to more typically think practically, I am looking for the way to solve it... solve missing my date nights, solve my lonely nights... I know he wants it for me as well... Just wish I didn't have to lose him.