My reoccurring dream...

I hear often of widows or widowers who have lost their love and were blessed with sweet dreams of their lost love... I have not had that. I have been cursed with a dream that reoccurs often, and yet I oddly cling to it. I have put off writing it in all the details until now, and now only because it is haunting me.

I dream  that Kris is back, convinced he never died and trying to get back into his life. But it is not him, it is a grotesque copy of him, not zombie like but not him. Kinda back from the dead, but not really rotting or anything. We all welcome him back like it is not a big deal, but I find myself convincing the kids and him this is not right. He was dead, I saw him dead how is he back and alive, and he just tells me I am crazy and he hasn't even been gone. I am so grateful to have him back, but it is not real, and I know this and it disturbs me. I worry about finding sinking into a comfort zone and realizing it is not right. Then he leaves again. He is just gone, like death caught him escaping and took him back... and then I am stuck dealing with the kids who are once again distraught. I am distraught because of the kids, but relieved he is gone. That doesn't make sense, why would I want to have him gone? I think because I could see it was not really him. My dream varies every time. Like once I tried to keep him from going into work because they would freak out. Then another time I tried to keep him from touching me. And once I had to keep him from taking the car and picking up the kids.

I wish these dreams were pleasant memories of him, or his real self... not this artificial copy. Then I would long for them. But I hate them they leave me confused and frustrated, and yet I want to remain asleep for this glimpse of him... something... anything.

Faith

Now I will be the first one to admit I am NOT the most faithful church goer, or active in my church. But I did read something once about a study conducted that people to regularly attend church, any denomination, live an average of 10 years longer. I am always had my doubts, but found it interesting. This past weekend, I want out with a good friend out with some other widows. The people we went with were very sweet, and caring, and fun to go out with, but I almost feel like they were almost not moving on, or finding a new direction for their lives. I am NOT saying I am doing fantastic either, but in many aspects I think I was more forgiving(?). So I am also wondering if death brings you closer to church and God and such... or pushes you away. I myself find it hard to attend church most weeks and have to work up to it and prepare myself for it. But I see the benefits of clinging to my beliefs, even if I am not actively pursuing them currently. I have met several who have found so much comfort in church, and their faith, perhaps it is the people of your church who make the difference? Maybe the gospel of it? Either way... this post was to let those who worry about me (and my lack of attending church in the past 10 months) know where I stand, and to post my observations of others in my position... and finding something that comforts, and helps in dealing with their losses.