Second year...

I had heard from several other widows/widowers and even grief counselors/therapists that the second year was harder than the first. I thought there is no way this first year of hell could be easier... I was wrong. I figured I knew that I got through one major loss, my mom, I could do it again. But I quickly realized it was because I had Kris I got through it. He was my rock through that. I am not saying I don't have support now with his loss, I do, but it is not the same. I don't have my other half with me at all times when I need him, I have my kids who are amazing, but need me to be strong for them. I have my family and his, but they have their own lives and things to cope with. I poured myself into writing after I lost him, and that was a huge comfort. I escaped and sorted out my feelings on paper, whether to him, God, or myself. I then filled my days with work and school, and became too busy for as much writing. And now that I have  taken off school for the summer I find myself with far too much free time. Time I thought I would use to clean and organize my house and my life, instead I spend it curled up in bed zoning out watching TV or movies. I am aching so much lately, and hate being alone. I have however reconnected with a friend that has helped. He has been willing to sit and talk with me about all my issues, and there are a lot! I am grateful for him and other friends and family who have been there. But I think I need to once again pour myself into writing. Although sometimes once I get going, I feel like I have written these things before, or that it sounds like poor me, and I don't want that. I want to see healing in my writing. I want to see hope. I want to feel something from Kris to know he is still around. At one point I thought I was ready to date, to get out there and meet other people, maybe take a step in starting a relationship, but the few dates I have gone on I have realized I am so not ready for that. I was using it to fill a void, that missing adult conversation and approval from the opposite sex. I got tired of retelling what happen to my husband to strangers. It was exhausting trying to keep up conversation at awkward moments. As I mentioned I reconnected with a friend and while we are "dating" in the loosed sense of the term, it is nice to have someone that knew me before Kris died and knows who I am and where I came from. It is nice having a friend who is learning to do everything alone as I am, and who can relate to what I am going through and who knew Kris. But who I feel no pressure to impress, and I can completely be myself. I can not wait for the day I can be with Kris again, but until then I am looking forward to the day that I find myself not trying so hard to pull myself out of bed in the morning, struggling to be productive. I am certain my tendency for depression doesn't help at all. But I am confident I will find not only peace and comfort eventually in my day to day life, but I am hopeful I will find someone to spend the time I have left on this earth with so I am not alone. I have always been independent, but hated being alone. I am grateful I still have my amazing kids around, they are often times the only thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings.