grief

I am so emotionally confused lately. I think I am getting along pretty good, getting my stuff handled, handling kids as best as I can, and even experimenting with dating... then BAM I hit a major road block. My emotional dam I build breaks, and the floods come though. The holidays were very tough, and I did my best to make the best of them, but they were crazy with my school finals, and a move on top of the usual holiday fanfare. I came out of it all optimistic and hopeful, ready to take a step in a new direction rather than sitting feeling lonely all the time. Overall getting out and dating has been good, it has been mixed with an odd sense of guilt, like I shouldn't be having fun with another man, but I have enjoyed getting out and meeting new people. I would like to continue getting out, but these past couple days I have felt emotionally drained. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions. I am still mad and bitter with some family, and I know I need to get over it and let it go, but I am tired of being the one to get over it, just once I would appreciate an understanding ear, an I am sorry, a I can't imagine what you are going through, a I am sorry you have to go through this, how can I help?

I know everyone has there problems and are coping and dealing with their own lives and trials... even the same losses I have, but in different capacities, but I would think some things would be a little obvious, and I feel like a needy person when I constantly need to point it out. I am so happy for my dad who has found someone to spend his life with after lossing mom... but he now has a young stepson. before he would take the time to be there for my kids, and go out of his way. But now he is taking his step son, someone who still has a father to things that I know my boys would love to do, wish they could do with their dad, but won't be able to. Why can't he recognize that need? Why must I be the one to consistently point it out.

Our home, the last one Kris and I lived in together. It is my in-laws, and while I offered to leave, it was a rash emotional decision that I instantly regretted. When I apologized, and plead my case it was still so harsh hearing how he wanted us out. Out of the place we had worked so hard on as we were able. But the final blow was when I discovered that remodeling that Kris and I put lots of time and money into, as well and friends and family to help ME, was being torn out carelessly. I am happy now for the move, I think it for the best, but I feel like MY situation was never considered, and never has been to the extent I considered others. I turned down offers to move previously because I did not want to leave them in a bind. I feel like the reaction I got has shown me why I need to start looking out for myself first, and others second, an attitude I have never understood, until recently.

I do recognize these people in my life have experienced losses as well, the same losses even... but not the two close relationships I lost in the short period I lost them. My mom was taken almost 4 years ago, she was someone I could always count on, and talk to... even in the later years when we were not one the best terms, I know she was always there for me no matter what. She cared for the kids as much as Kris and I, if not more. She cared about Kris and I. When she and Kris were diagnosed with cancer within weeks of each other, and she passing shortly after, I felt that she knew if one of them had to leave me, she would go so I could still have Kris... Then 2 and a half years later he was taken from me as well. I know my siblings understand the loss of my mom... but they still have their spouses. I know my dad understand the loss of a spouse, but he is so wrapped up in his new marriage, I feel neglected. I know his family is mourning the loss of a brother and son... but they still have their spouses, and his sisters still have their parents.

I guess the main point of my ranting is I am tired of being alone. I am tired of doing the parenting thing alone. I met a good friend at a fireside last night and it was on relationships. It was an enjoyable night, and I enjoyed the company, but I hated that through the whole speaker I realized what a good marriage we had, sure we had our rough patches, but we stuck it out. I do feel he was battling with mental and physical demons that I am so grateful he is now free of... I just wish I wasn't left facing these new demons... grief and single parenting.

As I mentioned earlier I have been "dating" a good friend whom I grew up with. I am struggling emotionally with that as well. He is such a wonderful man, someone I have always truly loved... like a brother. I am so glad he and I have reconnected, he has been a great support to my kids. They were very apprehensive about me dating, and I think it was a comfort to them that while no one will ever replace their father, there are truly good guys out there for me to meet. He is the only person I have dated that I have let them meet, because I knew him before, and I know what a good man he is... he will be someone I can always talk to and willing to listen, because we were always friends, although we lost touch for a while. He is a single parent as well, but because of divorce, but there are similarities in our situations that make it nice to talk to someone who relates, especially since he knew Kris and is willing to talk about him openly.

In school I took an amazing class last term from a teacher who very brilliantly related the texts we read to our own lives. I am now taking another class from her, and oddly enough both of these classes (different eras of American lit) have begun dealing with grief. I am, in some ways, grateful I have a deep understanding of this topic to share my understanding of it... although I am tired of it being such a constant in my life. But to see these classic works as they relate to my life, and what I am dealing with is in some way a comfort.

I wish there was a time frame for this grief thing... I feel I am still coping with my mom's loss 4 years ago, and Kris's is still so new that little things set it off. I have heard it actually takes an average of 7 years to adjust to grief, yet I have also heard after the first year it gets easier. I know with my mom, and now Kris it was a relief to make it that year... kinda like we did it once, we can do it again. I am tired of the pain creeping up. Tonight was a night I just needed someone to hold me, tell me I am doing fine, and I will continue to do so. I sat wondering if it would be too much to go to my friend I have been dating and just ask for a shoulder to cry on for a little while, I decided that might be too much... so I came home and wrote. I am thinking I need to once again make this particular blog of mine a little more private... less of my personal information... a friend of mine told me I am brutally honest with my feeling here. I have decided that it is much easier to "talk" about my "feelings" in writing on a huge WWW where it can be lost amoung the other struggling bloggers than to face them in person with people who know me personally and care about me. to those of you who actually read this... thank you for your thoughts and concern... if you feel like you need to say something to me, do it on here, or email me... I do not want a "break down" in person if you confront me on things I write on here... I wrote it, it is now out of my system... that is how I have dealt with this, as I try to deal with everything... planned. I like knowing what is coming up, I would "schedule" my tears for when I was alone in the shower... if I could get them out of the way in the morning, they were less likely to attack unannounced during the day. But lately even though I try, the tears won't come, and I have attacks like today, where the tears won't let up. I think I am frustrated by this because it is such AWFUL timing. I was trying so hard to eat healthy today, try to loss this widow weight, but I just want to stuff my face with comfort food. I have so much homework that HAS to be done by tomorrow, but I cannot focus on it at all, the tears fall, and I have to dry them up, until something else set them off... i just miss him.

Getting out!

I have posted that I wanted to get out, and that I even have gone out... I was so grateful I had married young so I didn't have to go through the stress of dating and getting to know people to find someone to spend my life with! It has definitely been quite the experience in my few short dates. I have gone out with widowers still caught up in their grief to move on, gone out with some very polite, but much older men, and even been approached by some much younger men. I have been very flattered, and enjoyed the getting out... but I have so many mixed feelings about everything! I know Kris wants me to remarry and be happy, we both knew I would, I hate being alone. But I don't want to rush into anything. I have heard too many horror stories of widows remarrying and the divorce being much worse then being widowed. One of the men I have dated has been a close friend I grew up with, we both want to take things slow so we dont rush, and with our kids to consider as well... but I worry it feels "right" simply because we are comfortable, and it is familiar... I am tired of being alone, and it has been nice getting to know other people... but I hate doing this again. I miss having Kris here, I miss having someone to talk to, I miss having someone who thought the world of me, I hate the idea that I have lost that forever and I have to live the rest of my days settling for something less than Kris...