While I know this is far from the truth, and that I do have worth, lately I am not feeling it. I know I need to be here for my children, they are the ONLY reason I get myself out of bed each morning, push myself through school, work three jobs, otherwise I would be perfectly content to simply lay in bed until I didn't wake up. I am not saying I would cause harm to myself, just that I would rather be with Kris and my mom, who always made me feel I had worth, and value... rather than be here having to convince myself I do for my kids, although they teenagers, and not too keen on telling me they value what I do for them.
I used to be surprised talking with Kris about what motivates him with work. It was never money or benefits, but simple words of encouragement, praise, gratitude. I can see it now. It is when I feel the most alone, and worthless these thoughts of I wish I didn't wake up this morning creep into my thoughts more regularly. But on the rare occasion that one of my kids thank me, or acknowledge something, I am more motivated to help them. If someone from work or school compliments me on an assignment, or a class, I want to try harder. I think I had become so accustomed to these compliments, from Kris, my job, my younger kids, that as they have gone away, I feel my desire to do my best goes with it.
I used to be that mom, that was at every event, volunteered for everything, had cutesy parties, and invites, and giveaways for every holiday. Now I consider it a miracle if I make it to everywhere I need to be.
I think this whole aspect of widow hood never crossed my mind until my overactive mind tried to put reasons, or justifications for some poor choices I have made lately. I don't want to go into those reasons right now, until I feel I have resolved them with myself. But I do wish to offer a warning to my widow friends, and anyone else struggling right now. Don't give into flattery from silver tongued people. By certain they have you and your best interest at heart, if there is any question avoid them.
