I have come here so many times in the last couple months, filled with mixed emotions every time. I have had so much I want to say, but it would never come out right, or I couldn't put what I was thinking into words. I think I ma ready to try this again... so we will see how it goes.
I have been so emotional lately, filled with so much anger, joy, understanding sadness, you name it, I have felt it in the past couple of months. I am really missing Kris, and I am struggling with the thought that maybe it is not so much Kris I am missing as being alone, as I have slowly been filling that emptiness with dates with friends. (I have only dated friends I have know for a while, or met a couple times at widow events... nothing serious, just getting myself out) I hate when I think that, I hate when I think I only miss him because I hate being alone. I know it is not true and that I do miss HIM. I know that when I date someone that has a characteristic so opposite of his... like someone struggling to figure out the tip, or any kind of math... or someone who has no clue what or who I am talking about when I mention a book or author, or when I really need someone to recognize when I am having a hard time... he could always tell. Anyone who knows me knows I am the biggest boob about movies... but when it comes to me and my life, I prefer to keep my emotions to myself, unless you are one of the few people I am close enough to that I will let my emotions slip out.
I have struggled with my kids, thinking I am doing what is best for us, but getting calls when I am 40 mins away and feeling hopeless I question my going back to school. I question whether I am raising them right, we talked about how we wanted to raise them together, but I never how to do it alone. What if I fail him, and them?
I question all my major decisions. Is it really the right thing to be paying so much for our home right now? Should I have downsized? What can I do to earn money? Should I let the kids get a job?
I know I am still avoiding the emotions I have been struggling to cope with, that is what I started this blog for in the first place...
