I can't do it all... yet I am expected to, and have to...

The past few nights, tonight included, I have sat up all night, trying desperately to finish some papers for school. I have tried to take power naps, I have tried to just power through them, I have tried taking breaks on different sites after "bribing" myself with goals. They still are not done. I have stared at blank screens, read articles 3 and 4 times not knowing what I have read. I have written these papers in my head over and over again, and yet I cannot get them to translate onto the paper/screen. Why is that?

I have so many other things in my life occupying my thoughts I don't think there is room for everything. I am feeling like such a failure because I can not accomplish all that I am accustomed to accomplishing with Kris's help, making meel so inadequate. In our new house I have done so much better at keeping it clean, and yet as this warm weather has hit, at the same time as finals, I have fallen way behind on housekeeping, and because I am embarrassed by the disarray of my home, I don't want to call my landlord until I can clean up, but the AC is not working properly. My oldest has so many things going on at the moment that I feel I am neglecting the others. With Dr. appts for his broken wrist, tickets for stupidity, going to a new school, and still behind in graduating I feel every free moment I am hounding him. I fall asleep worrying about him. Because of this worry, I have neglected to keep on top of my other children. I can't think of the last time I had my youngest do his daily reading. I was informed this week is parent teacher conferences, and I am usually so on top of things like that. I am finishing up the last of my financial issues associated with Kris, and that has hit on the same week as finals. I am feeling guilty for not pushing through to get done with school, but can see I need to take this break for my sanity.

I hate to think Kris would be disappointed in me, but I can't help thinking that, because I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like I need help, but other have their own lives and issues, how can I expect them to step in where I am falling short when I don't even know where to start asking for help? I know I need to take my antidepressants, I keep telling my kids to take theirs, but I am so bad at just remembering. I try to make certain I am there for everyone who is relying on me, but I feel I am always falling short. I am reminded of my shortcomings daily.

I feel like my worries and concerns are all crushing in on me. I have tried to make an effort to get out more, last year was such a blur I got through it in a state of numbness, and I can hardly remember thing that happened, because I choose to hide away in my house, unless someone dragged me out. I don't want my children to see me regress to that, that is not a good example for them, nor is it anyway to live. I am tired of seeing My oldest daughter hurting, and there being nothing I can do about it.

I need to find a way to balance things in my life so I can be adequate in all aspects of it, but how? I am tired of my emotions hitting so unexpectedly, uncontrollably, I am tired of not having Kris here to help both emotionally and with all the things I need to get done.

I never thought boy scouts would be such a trigger, but between the pinewood derby for my youngest, and an eagle court of honor for a friend I have nearly gone over the edge. Kris LOVED scouting. He would not have his boys miss out on any of the opportunities scouts offered them. Yet when I needed help with the pinewood derby as it hit around the same time as my school finals, and I knew nothing about it, none of the men in my family would step up to help, they all tried to pass the buck until my brother in law offered to help as best as he could. I know nothing about what needs to be done in order to earn his eagle, and yet, I need to find a way to motivate my oldest to get that done on top of getting his driver's license, and graduating.

I just wish that since Kris can no longer help me in my life where I need him, others would step in to help when they see help is needed, because it gets tiring asking all the time. And then I feel more helpless, and like more of a burden on others. I feel like overall my family has been pretty supportive and helpful, however I think they will never truly understand how alone I still feel. I feel silly asking questions on facebook or to others about things I am pretty sure I know I am making the right choices on, but I miss having that feedback, discussing it with someone. Having someone share a vested interest in every aspect of my life. I am just so tired of feeling so alone. I feel like I try to continue to be there for others as best as I can when needed... and I know people are there for me, but I wish someone was aware of my needs so I don't feel like I am continually begging for help. I think some people expect me to functioning back to normal by now... but it is nights like this I realize I am far from it.

I need to remember how much writing my thoughts out helps me work through them somewhat. Sure it brings on a flood of tears, ones I have usually been holding back for far too long. But it also gives me some focus and direction as to where to go from here. So here it goes, another attempt...

What to say?!?!

I have come here so many times in the last couple months, filled with mixed emotions every time. I have had so much I want to say, but it would never come out right, or I couldn't put what I was thinking into words. I think I ma ready to try this again... so we will see how it goes.
I have been so emotional lately, filled with so much anger, joy, understanding sadness, you name it, I have felt it in the past couple of months. I am really missing Kris, and I am struggling with the thought that maybe it is not so much Kris I am missing as being alone, as I have slowly been filling that emptiness with dates with friends. (I have only dated friends I have know for a while, or met a couple times at widow events... nothing serious, just getting myself out) I hate when I think that, I hate when I think I only miss him because I hate being alone. I know it is not true and that I do miss HIM. I know that when I date someone that has a characteristic so opposite of his... like someone struggling to figure out the tip, or any kind of math... or someone who has no clue what or who I am talking about when I mention a book or author, or when I really need someone to recognize when I am having a hard time... he could always tell. Anyone who knows me knows I am the biggest boob about movies... but when it comes to me and my life, I prefer to keep my emotions to myself, unless you are one of the few people I am close enough to that I will let my emotions slip out.
I have struggled with my kids, thinking I am doing what is best for us, but getting calls when I am 40 mins away and feeling hopeless I question my going back to school. I question whether I am raising them right, we talked about how we wanted to raise them together, but I never how to do it alone. What if I fail him, and them?
I question all my major decisions. Is it really the right thing to be paying so much for our home right now? Should I have downsized? What can I do to earn money? Should I let the kids get a job?
I know I am still avoiding the emotions I have been struggling to cope with, that is what I started this blog for in the first place...

Stronger?

I wrote and commented on here before about how tired I was of hearing how strong I am, or how good I am doing, and I thought how nobody knows how they would react if placed in the same situation. You do what you  have to do, when you have kids you have no choice. There are days I prefer to curl up in a ball and cry, but what kind of an example is that to my kids? I think at first I was tired of hearing it because it was a compliment disguised as encouragement, hidden as a reminder of what my life is now.
I think after 15 months I am ready to take that as a true compliment. (and for me that is huge, since I have never taken compliments well... and still don't. Kris would tell me to just say thank you... I still struggle with that) I have grown in the past year, in ways I would never wish on anyone. In my adolescent psych class we were asked at what age/point in your life do you feel you have reached adulthood. many said that although they are married and raising families, they still turned to their parents for advice/guidance, and felt like they needed to "answer" to them in someways. It was in this discussion that after 35 years of life, 4 children, and 2 close deaths later I have truly reached my adulthood/independence. With no one to answer to, my dad is involved in his new wife and stepson, and 4 children who rely wholly on myself for support, guidance, structure (even if they are teenagers and don't admit it) I have reached that point in my life. I am so confident in this realization, even if I were to marry and have another adult to lean on, I would still be at this point in my life... just with support.
I can see my growth, how I have become stronger, but that does not mean I no longer hurt. It does not mean I am not lonely. It does not mean I no longer need help and guidance from friends and family. If anything I need it more than ever with this realization of how truly alone I am now in this world.
So what inspired this post? I have been in school now for two and a half semesters, in the last couple classes I have been complimented for how I have handled what I have gone through. ANd again I am not sure how to handle the praise. I don't feel I deserve it. A simple thank you doesn't seem sufficient.

V-Day

It is Valentine's day. Kris and I didn't always do something romantic to celebrate, but he always showed me how much he loved me. One year we took the kids swimming, it was great, we had the pool all to ourselves.
One time I was so mad at him, he agreed to work on Valentine's after I had planned a nice night. So I went out and bought lots of sexy things to tease him with, wrapped it up cute and delivered it to work... just to show him what he was missing.
His birthday is the week before and mine 3 weeks later so often times when money was tight, we would choose one of those to go out, and the other two we would have a quiet night at home. He would even watch sappy movies with me, and pretend not to like them...
He was a wonderful cook, and would always make me wonderful dinners to surprise me, I think later in our marriage he preferred this to going out, because he was enjoying cooking more and more.
He was good about flowers as well, and he had a talent for knowing where to get the good ones that would last the longest. One year I got some for V-day that were so beautiful, and by my birthday 3 weeks later they were still in full bloom.
I miss someone coming up and giving me a hug and telling me I love you randomly. I miss the quick pecks letting me know he loves me. I miss the hot bubble baths waiting for me by candle light after a long day.
I claim to be a die hard romantic, but I was NOTHING compared to Kris. I think I preferred the shock value.
Surprising him at dinner that I wasn't wearing panties, and watching him blush and not know what to do. Picking him up from work in nothing but his trench coat. Stealing the keys to the car in a parking garage until after he kissed me all over to find them.
I guess I miss the crazy fun stuff we would do. And I miss being that important to someone. I know I am to my kids, but not in that way. And sure I am dating a friend, but I have recently realized that if I date someone with kids, their kids will always come before me, and rightfully so. I just miss Kris reminding the kids that I came first, and I need to be respected. He of course loved them above all, but knew that they needed to be reminded that he would always side with me, and that they should as well...
So realizing this, it has made me wonder what is out there for me? I do NOT want to live the rest of my life alone, but nor do I want to settle for anything less than I deserve... And who knows maybe this relationship I am slowing building just has not reached that point, and needs to be given time.
I hate that I have to even deal with these thoughts and issues. I just miss Kris, and wish he was back with me.

Dates/numbers

My lucky number has ALWAYS been 5, or multiples of 5. Why? Because my birthday is the 5th. When I met Kris he argued with me that 7 was luckier, it even was a joke with us for a long time. "I love you time 5" "I love you times 7, it is more, I win" "Quality is always better than quantity! I Win"So when it came to our wedding date, when one of the reception centers had the 6th available (it was a quick engagement) we knew it was meant to be... our compromise.

I have never loved math, but numbers and dates have always fascinated me. Like my dad is an Aquarius, and my mom was a Pisces, Kris was Aquarius, I am a Pisces, Our oldest son is an Aquarius, Our oldest daughter is an Aquarius. Some how it all made sense in my mind and fit together like some puzzle I only know about. Then comes birthday/deathday numbers... My mom was born 3/15/53 (all odd numbers) and died 4/6/08 (all even numbers). Kris was born 2/7/77 (even, the rest odd) and died 11/12/10 (odd the rest even) I know this doesn't matter to anyone else, but for some reason it sticks in my head and fits... making some kind of sense in a situation that otherwise would haunt me until I could make some kind of sense of it.

This is the thing that now has me struggling... My dad has remarried, his new wife's birthday is on the day of my mother's passing... 4/6. Some kind of a link to my mom making it work... I am dating a friend of mine I have known for most of my life. His birthday is the day after Kris's, one number different. It is so odd to go from a Tuesday missing my husband greatly and wishing he was here to celebrate with us, to Wednesday night having a party celebrating another year with his family. I am not sure what to make of this connection yet... but until then I guess I am just going along for the ride.

35...

He should be turning 35 today. He should be here celebrating with us. He should be telling me to get going on my homework. But he isn't, and he won't be. I made it through another of his birthdays without him...

Down

I have been doing really good lately, if I do say so myself. But these past few days I am really struggling. I feel like everything is reminding me of him and what I no longer have. Sure it has been 14 months, and I thought I was doing great... But I am feeling so low lately.
In one of my classes we have been discussing human nature, a topic he and I would debate often. I hated dark stories of an evil nature like lord of the flies, while it fascinated him. While I would never convert to his way of thinking, he had a way of opening my eyes so I could see past my happy blinders... but not too much to scare me out of my comfort zone. I miss talking to him and falling asleep in mid sentence... he would usually tell me to shut up and go to sleep.
I have wanted a good cry for a while now, but it would never come, despite "tricks" I would use to make them fall. I have sat in the shower as the water went from near scalding to freezing, but I just sit there lost, empty. I have gone to the cemetery yelling at him, mad that he left me, eyes wet from yelling... but the relief from the bath of tears did not follow. I sat in a restaurant, trying to imagine what he would say to me. His thoughts on books I am reading, trying to grasp any hint of how his mind worked, but nothing. I have written, even now, I feel the soft brush of a warm tear or two escape... but nothing like the release I have been begging to come.
I have still been seeing my friend. The kids will tease that we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" and that scares me. It is nice to have someone, and even feel them embrace me, but I worry I am using him to fill a void, and hole I am not ready to fill. I know he has been hurt in the recent past and wants it to go slow as well, but while I love the companionship... I am scared of it as well.
I just want him back. I thinkI can point to where I started going downhill when I went with my friend to a fireside... it was a really great one... about relationships. I had a great relationship, and I lost it. I have had many ups since then, but I feel like the downs are beginning to weigh down on me. I think I am going to take a break from "dating" but, I am not ready like I thought I was. Perhaps that was what I needed to see to realize I am not ready to move forward yet.
I just want to know when I will start going up... I am tired of this downhill slope.