Pictures

It has been a tough week with my son being baptized, and it being Easter weekend. I find it more and more of a comfort being in the cemetery near him, but I ache more as well. We survived this tough weekend, but looking at pictures at my sister in laws it hit me... He will NEVER be in a picture again. Sure this might seem like a duh moment, but when you realize that all your pictures can now be classified as before we lost him and after, they all seem to take on a new meaning. I have not carried my camera around as often as I did before... I think because I hate to think of all the events he will be missing.

Saturday the check for his life insurance came in the mail... talk about mixed emotions. At first I was so relieved and glad... then tears slipped out. These are the final things left on the checklist to get finished. I hate that this silly check is suppose to in some way make up for the loss of him. I know that is not the intention... but it is how it feels. I will be ordering is grave this week and hope it will be there by fathers day... Almost like a final present.

Who takes care of me?

So I have been really sick this past week, aside from an occasional cold or bug this has been the worst since I lost him, and it has been hard. He would always take such good care of me, and the kids, when we were sick. Running baths for us, fixing soup, getting gatorade, or slurpees, or anything that he thought would help. But the best was you knew he would be there. He would lay with me, hold me, keep me company and just watch movies until I was feeling better. I had a major break down yesterday when I realized how much I depended on him when I was sick. I used to have my mom as well, and she would be a comforting soul, taking care of me as well.

I still have my kids, but they are so self absorbed in those teenage years, they don't get that I need them. They try, and they are there as much as they can be, but it is not the same. So until they hit that point where they realize I need them as much as they need me (which is still a ways away) who do I have to take care of me?

I have some amazing friends and relatives, they brought in dinner and took kids for the night... but really I want what I can't have... him. Someone to hold me, and not care about getting sick, someone to pamper me, someone to put up with me whiny and know it is not really me and love me anyway... and I hate that I don't have that anymore.

Too Late...

I have been thinking for a couple weeks I really need to post on her how well we as a family have been lately.It had been a while since my last break down. The kids have been getting through the day fairly well. I have gotten a lot accomplished recently and finally realize I CAN do this on my own. Even with arguments with the kids there have been breakthroughs, and I can see where I need to toughen up, and where I can let things slide a little. I can see progress, and the hope of a final product on the house.

Then there was today. I had a couple of silly things happen that hit hard. First, at work I worked for the first time with someone new, and they commented, "So you aren't Married?" I quickly replied, "Yes... well I am widowed." It was the first time I had to tell someone that. Sure I have told people I lost my husband, and that he passed away... but the first I had to admit, I am not really "married" in the law sense any more. I will ALWAYS be married to him, but not in the current sense most likely implied.


Then I passed something while driving that reminded me of a recent time when he laughed... it was his hardy gut busting laugh. I miss it so much, I can almost imagine it, but it is not the same. I pulled over and sat and got some of the built up tears out.

And lastly, I invited a friend over for the weekend, but she said she would have the kids because her hubby was helping her grandfather, (our close family friend we feel like he is our grandfather), with some work on his lot... it was something my hubby would jump at the opportunity to help with, I started to suggest He could help... then bit my tongue quick.

Then the kids... I thought they were doing great too, they have been putting up a strong front. My oldest was really wishing HE was there for his concert this week, it was tough not having him there. My oldest daughter has been having trouble with someone picking on her at school... something HE was always willing and usually able to fix, with suggestions and support... My younger daughter had been sick, and missed him being there making her feel better... and my youngest loves remembering the good times... but on occasion they turn to tears, that he tries to quickly wipe away so I don't see.

I sympathize so much with them... but then I feel so hurt. Why do they feel he could have fixed ALL this, and I am there for support, offer advice, comfort, a hug... but I feel it is never enough. I understand they want HIM... so do I, but I am here still... recognize that, I need them to need me on occasion too. I am glad they hold him in such high regards, as to almost idolize him... but then I turn into the nag, the mean one, the strict one, who never lets them do anything. I just feel like I can't win lately.

Most of all I wish I had written my positive update so I don't appear like I am not coming to accept this awful tragedy our family has had to endure. Please believe me when I say we are doing okay... not GREAT, yet... but okay.

Sex

I miss sex. Not just the actual act, but everything that lead up to it. The joking the teasing, the romantic play. Coming home occasionally to candles lit in the bathroom, or rose petals leading to the bed. I miss the flirting. I miss the cuddling. I miss kissing his neck, or rubbing his back. I miss the way he looked at me as I undressed for him. I miss after sex, the laying with him, the laughing about it if it was less than ideal, or the heavy breathing if took a little work. I don't want anyone to mistake that I am some horny lonely women, but I wanted to put it out there. This is where I feel I can openly discuss my thoughts unjudged as a widow. I miss the intimacy we had. I miss his gentle touch, his playful touch. I miss how we would be silly and something romantic and sexual could turn into something playful, and wrestling. It was not our whole relationship, but it was a large part of it... we would laugh that even if we fought, we had great make-up sex to look forward to. I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, but I wanted to put it out there.

I miss him

We miss him. My oldest son has a ballroom concert this week... "He was finally not teasing me about dance, and now he is not going to be there". My oldest daughter tested in her MMA class (mixed martial arts) "This was his and my thing, and he isn't here". My youngest daughter ran into a referee at a fencing tournament who remembered him, he was always right there loudly cheering her on. "Where's your dad?" She could only quietly cry, and her coach stepped in to answer. My youngest son tries to be so tough, and even puts of the show... but I catch the glimpses where I know he is missing him.

We fit well, in EVERY way. Sure we had our arguments, but that was marriage right? Learning to live and accept someone else, faults and all. What I wouldn't give to put up with all those faults once more. When we first met he was always the talker, sure if you know me, I LOVE to talk... and do frequently. But I never really talk about how I am feeling. I will discuss things I am going through, to way too much detail... but rarely how I feel about it. I was the listener in our relationship... most of the time. After years of hearing him frustrated that I won't talk to him... I caved. I let it out, in hours of conversation. I miss that. I know there are several friends and loved ones who would listen in a heart beat, but it truly took living with him, and him asking repeatedly for me to finally break. As close and as sweet as my friends are, they don't have that kind of determination... they have their own families. Know don't get me wrong, Kris was not an emotional basket case who would cry and discuss his feelings routinely, I think he found what I learned others have found in me. I listen. I listen and I keep confidences. I am still amazed at how many people have easily trusted me with deep confidences, and many times very shortly after meeting me. I am proud to say I have never divulged any of them except regrettably my own husbands. A mistake that still haunts me.

As I mentioned I love to talk... I love to be the center of attention, but rarely is about how I feel, except superficially, like stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I miss my sweetfart (yes that was my nickname for him). I miss talking to him. I am glad I have the cemetery to go and yell at him when I need to... I just wish he would yell back on occasion.

Dreams

I used to have vivid dreams, I loved them since dreams have always fascinated me, since I was little. When He passed I stopped dreaming it seems like. I figured it was because I wasn't sleeping well. After a couple weeks of NO sleep, I remember having a dream of him. He had come back, but it was not him. He was not his teasing joyful self, the word that ALWAYS comes to mind when I recall this dream is grotesque, but not in appearance. I figured it meant he was really gone and no longer belonged here with us, and in some way it brought me comfort.

I have not had any dreams I have recalled since then. Something I hated, because He and I would always laugh about my dreams in the morning, he knew I liked them and there were some crazy ones.

Then last night I had one. It was about him, and it was more disturbing to me then the one were he seemed grotesque. He woke up like he had not missed a day. In the dream I was so excited and happy about him being back, but confused. I tried to explain he couldn't just go to work, he had been dead for 4 months and I was certain they replaced him. He said they would understand and everything would be fine, he would be back after work. I then didn't want him to go in case it wasn't real. The kids came out and hugged him, were a little surprised to see him, but then went on getting ready for school like it was nothing. I remember this reaction from them bugged me too. When he was trying to reassure me he would be back after work and that he was going to stop on his way there to clear up the misunderstanding that he was dead I woke up.

In some ways it was nice to dream about him, but I was so upset and confused by it. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream because it was such a perfect memory of him, he was just as he was... no flaws. I feel like sometimes my memory of him isn't quite right. His laugh wasn't right the way I picture it, or his eyes not the right shade. In my dream it has an exact replica. Then I remember waking up and being relieved it was a dream... like I would have been mad I had to go through these 4 months of grieving for nothing. I miss him sooo much, I just wish he could still hold me tight in his strong arms again, I always felt so safe and protected in his arms. Now I feel very vulnerable and lost...

A phone call

I got a phone call today, nothing even that spectacular, but it just set me off in a wide array of emotions. It was a parking ticket from my college, at least 3 years old. They simply left a message, for Him to call back at his earliest convenience. At first I was livid, did they not know he was dead? How dare they call so callous... I hung up from voice mail and called them back. informing them they left a message for my husband who had passed in November, and what could I help them with... and yes I was rather short. They immediately apologized and said it is taken care of. When I hung up I called the voicemail again... it was nice in a way to hear someone remember him... as if he were still alive... I listened a couple times, and realized that was silly, they didn't even KNOW him. I hung up, and cried.

It is so lame such a silly call could set off so many emotions... I didn't know which to feel, and why I felt them.

Saturday one of my young dancers asked a verify innocent question, one she has probably thinking about for a while. She asked if I was going to get a new husband. Adults have asked that less politely then this young girl and I have been able to recover quickly and answer with wit and poise. But this just brought me to tears. I think because the idea of it being so simple to a child scares me. Do my kids think it is that simple? Do others think that as well? The idea of being alone scares me, I have never had to be alone. EVER. But I think the idea of "replacing" him is even more scary.

I have a child hood friend who lost her father in a horrible way, he was murdered. She posted on her blog some of her thoughts and feelings about that awful day, and since then. I remember that day clear from when I was a younger, and thinking how awful to lose your dad so young. And reading that not only brought back my memories from finding out this awful news, but made me realize what a tragedy my kids have had to face in their young life. I think realizing that it has been 21 years since this tragedy made me realize that my kids have their whole life ahead of them, without him. I lost my mom at 32, and I thought that was far too young, thinking of all her grandkids life events she would miss out on. But then to think in terms of events my kids will not have their father for, weddings, graduations, grandkids... so many things I wish we could have celebrated together. While some of the things I realized while reading her account scared me a little, and even shook me up. It was a huge comfort to see she has emerged from her tragedy a beautiful woman, wife, mother... even without her father physically there. There is no doubt that her father, as well as my hubby will be there at every big event in their lives, and even the small ones... even if we can't see him.