Down

I have been doing really good lately, if I do say so myself. But these past few days I am really struggling. I feel like everything is reminding me of him and what I no longer have. Sure it has been 14 months, and I thought I was doing great... But I am feeling so low lately.
In one of my classes we have been discussing human nature, a topic he and I would debate often. I hated dark stories of an evil nature like lord of the flies, while it fascinated him. While I would never convert to his way of thinking, he had a way of opening my eyes so I could see past my happy blinders... but not too much to scare me out of my comfort zone. I miss talking to him and falling asleep in mid sentence... he would usually tell me to shut up and go to sleep.
I have wanted a good cry for a while now, but it would never come, despite "tricks" I would use to make them fall. I have sat in the shower as the water went from near scalding to freezing, but I just sit there lost, empty. I have gone to the cemetery yelling at him, mad that he left me, eyes wet from yelling... but the relief from the bath of tears did not follow. I sat in a restaurant, trying to imagine what he would say to me. His thoughts on books I am reading, trying to grasp any hint of how his mind worked, but nothing. I have written, even now, I feel the soft brush of a warm tear or two escape... but nothing like the release I have been begging to come.
I have still been seeing my friend. The kids will tease that we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" and that scares me. It is nice to have someone, and even feel them embrace me, but I worry I am using him to fill a void, and hole I am not ready to fill. I know he has been hurt in the recent past and wants it to go slow as well, but while I love the companionship... I am scared of it as well.
I just want him back. I thinkI can point to where I started going downhill when I went with my friend to a fireside... it was a really great one... about relationships. I had a great relationship, and I lost it. I have had many ups since then, but I feel like the downs are beginning to weigh down on me. I think I am going to take a break from "dating" but, I am not ready like I thought I was. Perhaps that was what I needed to see to realize I am not ready to move forward yet.
I just want to know when I will start going up... I am tired of this downhill slope.

grief

I am so emotionally confused lately. I think I am getting along pretty good, getting my stuff handled, handling kids as best as I can, and even experimenting with dating... then BAM I hit a major road block. My emotional dam I build breaks, and the floods come though. The holidays were very tough, and I did my best to make the best of them, but they were crazy with my school finals, and a move on top of the usual holiday fanfare. I came out of it all optimistic and hopeful, ready to take a step in a new direction rather than sitting feeling lonely all the time. Overall getting out and dating has been good, it has been mixed with an odd sense of guilt, like I shouldn't be having fun with another man, but I have enjoyed getting out and meeting new people. I would like to continue getting out, but these past couple days I have felt emotionally drained. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions. I am still mad and bitter with some family, and I know I need to get over it and let it go, but I am tired of being the one to get over it, just once I would appreciate an understanding ear, an I am sorry, a I can't imagine what you are going through, a I am sorry you have to go through this, how can I help?

I know everyone has there problems and are coping and dealing with their own lives and trials... even the same losses I have, but in different capacities, but I would think some things would be a little obvious, and I feel like a needy person when I constantly need to point it out. I am so happy for my dad who has found someone to spend his life with after lossing mom... but he now has a young stepson. before he would take the time to be there for my kids, and go out of his way. But now he is taking his step son, someone who still has a father to things that I know my boys would love to do, wish they could do with their dad, but won't be able to. Why can't he recognize that need? Why must I be the one to consistently point it out.

Our home, the last one Kris and I lived in together. It is my in-laws, and while I offered to leave, it was a rash emotional decision that I instantly regretted. When I apologized, and plead my case it was still so harsh hearing how he wanted us out. Out of the place we had worked so hard on as we were able. But the final blow was when I discovered that remodeling that Kris and I put lots of time and money into, as well and friends and family to help ME, was being torn out carelessly. I am happy now for the move, I think it for the best, but I feel like MY situation was never considered, and never has been to the extent I considered others. I turned down offers to move previously because I did not want to leave them in a bind. I feel like the reaction I got has shown me why I need to start looking out for myself first, and others second, an attitude I have never understood, until recently.

I do recognize these people in my life have experienced losses as well, the same losses even... but not the two close relationships I lost in the short period I lost them. My mom was taken almost 4 years ago, she was someone I could always count on, and talk to... even in the later years when we were not one the best terms, I know she was always there for me no matter what. She cared for the kids as much as Kris and I, if not more. She cared about Kris and I. When she and Kris were diagnosed with cancer within weeks of each other, and she passing shortly after, I felt that she knew if one of them had to leave me, she would go so I could still have Kris... Then 2 and a half years later he was taken from me as well. I know my siblings understand the loss of my mom... but they still have their spouses. I know my dad understand the loss of a spouse, but he is so wrapped up in his new marriage, I feel neglected. I know his family is mourning the loss of a brother and son... but they still have their spouses, and his sisters still have their parents.

I guess the main point of my ranting is I am tired of being alone. I am tired of doing the parenting thing alone. I met a good friend at a fireside last night and it was on relationships. It was an enjoyable night, and I enjoyed the company, but I hated that through the whole speaker I realized what a good marriage we had, sure we had our rough patches, but we stuck it out. I do feel he was battling with mental and physical demons that I am so grateful he is now free of... I just wish I wasn't left facing these new demons... grief and single parenting.

As I mentioned earlier I have been "dating" a good friend whom I grew up with. I am struggling emotionally with that as well. He is such a wonderful man, someone I have always truly loved... like a brother. I am so glad he and I have reconnected, he has been a great support to my kids. They were very apprehensive about me dating, and I think it was a comfort to them that while no one will ever replace their father, there are truly good guys out there for me to meet. He is the only person I have dated that I have let them meet, because I knew him before, and I know what a good man he is... he will be someone I can always talk to and willing to listen, because we were always friends, although we lost touch for a while. He is a single parent as well, but because of divorce, but there are similarities in our situations that make it nice to talk to someone who relates, especially since he knew Kris and is willing to talk about him openly.

In school I took an amazing class last term from a teacher who very brilliantly related the texts we read to our own lives. I am now taking another class from her, and oddly enough both of these classes (different eras of American lit) have begun dealing with grief. I am, in some ways, grateful I have a deep understanding of this topic to share my understanding of it... although I am tired of it being such a constant in my life. But to see these classic works as they relate to my life, and what I am dealing with is in some way a comfort.

I wish there was a time frame for this grief thing... I feel I am still coping with my mom's loss 4 years ago, and Kris's is still so new that little things set it off. I have heard it actually takes an average of 7 years to adjust to grief, yet I have also heard after the first year it gets easier. I know with my mom, and now Kris it was a relief to make it that year... kinda like we did it once, we can do it again. I am tired of the pain creeping up. Tonight was a night I just needed someone to hold me, tell me I am doing fine, and I will continue to do so. I sat wondering if it would be too much to go to my friend I have been dating and just ask for a shoulder to cry on for a little while, I decided that might be too much... so I came home and wrote. I am thinking I need to once again make this particular blog of mine a little more private... less of my personal information... a friend of mine told me I am brutally honest with my feeling here. I have decided that it is much easier to "talk" about my "feelings" in writing on a huge WWW where it can be lost amoung the other struggling bloggers than to face them in person with people who know me personally and care about me. to those of you who actually read this... thank you for your thoughts and concern... if you feel like you need to say something to me, do it on here, or email me... I do not want a "break down" in person if you confront me on things I write on here... I wrote it, it is now out of my system... that is how I have dealt with this, as I try to deal with everything... planned. I like knowing what is coming up, I would "schedule" my tears for when I was alone in the shower... if I could get them out of the way in the morning, they were less likely to attack unannounced during the day. But lately even though I try, the tears won't come, and I have attacks like today, where the tears won't let up. I think I am frustrated by this because it is such AWFUL timing. I was trying so hard to eat healthy today, try to loss this widow weight, but I just want to stuff my face with comfort food. I have so much homework that HAS to be done by tomorrow, but I cannot focus on it at all, the tears fall, and I have to dry them up, until something else set them off... i just miss him.

Getting out!

I have posted that I wanted to get out, and that I even have gone out... I was so grateful I had married young so I didn't have to go through the stress of dating and getting to know people to find someone to spend my life with! It has definitely been quite the experience in my few short dates. I have gone out with widowers still caught up in their grief to move on, gone out with some very polite, but much older men, and even been approached by some much younger men. I have been very flattered, and enjoyed the getting out... but I have so many mixed feelings about everything! I know Kris wants me to remarry and be happy, we both knew I would, I hate being alone. But I don't want to rush into anything. I have heard too many horror stories of widows remarrying and the divorce being much worse then being widowed. One of the men I have dated has been a close friend I grew up with, we both want to take things slow so we dont rush, and with our kids to consider as well... but I worry it feels "right" simply because we are comfortable, and it is familiar... I am tired of being alone, and it has been nice getting to know other people... but I hate doing this again. I miss having Kris here, I miss having someone to talk to, I miss having someone who thought the world of me, I hate the idea that I have lost that forever and I have to live the rest of my days settling for something less than Kris...

Done with 2011!

I can not wait to be done with this awful year. Had more deaths, and a year of firsts, and it was the first complete year without him. It has been bittersweet. I say that because despite all the difficulties and obstacles I faced, I was always met with a compassionate friend, ear, someone to help me get through it. It has been tough getting moved out and starting over. Tough reestablishing rules with the kids as they continue to push limits. But good that we have gotten through this, and I know even though I can be tough to live with occasionally my kids will always know I am here for them.
I have been seeing a friend from high school and I can honestly say I am starting to feel happy, a little like the old me. I know he will never replace what I had, but I can be happy again. I am not completely heartless and "over" my loss either. I got a wonderful present from my amazing family, a bronze mold of his hand. It has been so nice to just hold it when I want to hold him, or feel his touch, but I feel again it kind of keeps my emotions on edge. I will always treasure it. I am creating a shelf of Kris, with his flag, pictures, memorials from his life so it is all in a special place so it wouldn't catch me off guard emotionally.
While I feel I still have a lot of healing to do, I feel I am making progress. I have grown, and I can recognize my strengths. I am empowered, but I still have so much to learn. I miss him everyday, but I know he is no longer in pain, and is waiting for me and our children to return to him. I look forward to that day, but until then I have learned there is so much left for me to do.
One of my earlier post I expressed how I felt like I had not grown or made progress in healing when I read through my past posts. A wise friend told me that the gaps in days I have written show I am getting along. I realize I have gone from posting on here daily to hopefully monthly. I can see a change in my attitude and in dealing with our loss. There are still days I feel broken, but I have learned to get up and move forward, even if I do get knocked down. Thanks to everyone who has been here for me with love and support. I hope I can return the blessings you have given me.

To date or not to date...

The topic of dating has come up more and more lately, from family, friends, support groups, even blogs of fellow widows/widowers. I have heard I am young go for it, I have heard it is too soon wait. I think I am ready and decide to go for it, I back out and decide it is too soon. The only thing I have come to a definite conclusion on regarding dating/ the possibility of remarriage is this. I am tired of being alone, I want to get out and have some fun. I miss date nights with my husband, and just talking with him. But I admit the idea of any kind of a relationship scares me. I am one of the fortunate people who had actually discussed it with my husband before he passed, although it was usually in joking, we discussed it. I told him if he remarried I would haunt him and her, but not to worry I would remarry. He told me he would want me to, and knew I would, his choice of funeral song even acknowledged it (please remember me, tim mcgraw at his request... everytime he played it he told me it was his funeral song).

So here is where I am feeling lost... my kids encourage me to go out and have fun, but don't like the idea of me remarrying. I have even had mixed feeling from fellow widows, saying don't rush, or a year is too soon. Yet I feel like widowers seem to have some kind of rush on things. The other thing is how do I "get out there" so to speak. I do NOT want to be one of dating site people... but I don't know how to go about this... Kris and I met in High school...I never had go through the whole dating scene... it scares me a little and I don't know where I would even start.

So for now here are my plans. I will continue working on school, focus on the kids, and make an effort to get out once in a while. If I happen to meet someone great... until then I am a single widow.

Perhaps I am moving fast for a widow... but as I mentioned, it seems widowers move a little faster... Kris and I always laughed because when suggested we read men are from mars and women from venus... we were so opposite. I had more of the male characteristics, while in many ways he the feminine. Perhaps that is why while I ache for him, and miss him constantly, I long for that companionship. Someone to talk with and communicate with late into the night. Perhaps it is because of this tendency to more typically think practically, I am looking for the way to solve it... solve missing my date nights, solve my lonely nights... I know he wants it for me as well... Just wish I didn't have to lose him.

Shower

So With this whole journey I have learned something have very mixed emotions for me. The main one being the shower. I feel like in most cases it is my only escape, I can shut myself in there away from everyone, my kids, the phone, the rest of the world who still have their other half. While I am in there however I have learned I can break down if I need to, and often times do. So when I really only need or have time for a quick shower, it kinda backfires and I spend a much longer time in there than intended, and break down. But I also love that feeling of the shower, because if I close my arms it almost feels like he is once again there touching me in his ever so gentle yet firm caress. While this is a nice memory and connection to him, it is also hard.

The other thing that is such a mixed blessing is his grave being right next to my mother's. While I truly mourn the loss of both of them, it is difficult to separate them, and grieve for one or the other when there is such a blatant reminder of them both side by side. Others have said they avoid the cemetery because it reminds them of the loss, and not the good memories, however I revel in the peace and solitude that usually evades me with a house full of our kids. It is some of the only alone time I can muster. But I also enjoy it because I have memories of Kris there. He would go with me to visit my mom's grave, and we would walk in the beautiful pond area and talk, it was peaceful, and gave me a memory of him there, one I don't have of my mom.

My kids, I hate seeing them hurt and I can't do anything to fix it. Often times I would think if I didn't have them I could get through this much easier, but then I realize many times they are what get me through. I just wish I didn't have to see them hurt so much.

The last is this house. It is his parents house, but it was our home the last 6 years. I am grateful for the memories we have here, and while I am not ready to leave it behind, I must. We have been asked to be out by the new year. While I think in the long run it will for the best, I will no longer have any obligations to my in laws, nor be tied to them, it is going to be hard to start somewhere new and know he would be going there with us. It is so hard to think of packing up all his things, and finding a home for them with out him. But perhaps this fresh start will be good for us.

Writing is another (wow when I started this I only had 2 or 3 things in mind, and now this list grows as I write) while it is a huge release, and a way for me to sort out my thoughts, going to school I find I am forced to write things I am not really relating too. I enjoy writing as a release, but because of that, I am hate feeling my emotions come to the surface, I like being able to deal them this way, but it makes other writing hard.

Getting out, I am so tired of being alone, but then I try to get out, go dancing or something, and another guy talks to me or asks me to dance, and I feel guilty at first, then weird to be with another guy, even if for only a few minutes. I really want to just get out on occasion, but when I think I am ready for it, I really am not, no matter how much I want to be.

Keeping busy, it is so good for me to be busy, school, work, extras, kids stuff... but then I think sometimes I get so caught up in the busy I miss out on the other stuff. This is why my job was only part time so one of us could be with kids, so they weren't alone often... and now it is turning into that. I hate it. So much for planning, now I have to be both mom and dad... it is good to keep busy, but am I giving myself time to mourn?

Forgotten...

I survived the first years, thanks to the love and kindness of many friends and family. They would take me out when I seemed down, or show up when I just needed someone.  Others who have lost a spouse have complained that eventually with time, others seem to forget. I just couldn't believe that. I thought for certain this awesome love and support I have had would endure as long as I needed it. Now don't get me wrong, I know they still care for me, and think of me. But I don't feel them being there for me. I miss company on weekends, several invitations to go to a movie, or grab a bite for dinner, something to get me out of my house. But lately I feel if I don't do the inviting, I find myself alone.

I had my first real glimpse of this forgotten feeling the week of the anniversary of his passing. I was already struggling, with not only his anniversary approaching, but other issues in life, and my in-laws choose that week to tell me I must be out by the first of the year. I think they feel that after 1 year I should be ready financially, and emotionally to move on... seriously! Then I have friends from the job I quit, that I worried if I quit I wouldn't see them as often... and I don't. I know they are busy with their own lives, but I miss those friendships. I know before I often was busy, and had to miss out on a lot of things with school, and my job, and kids... but I still would always be invited in case I could make it. Or if I was having an especially tough day I would miss it... but they would understand and still invite me.

Perhaps I am reading way too much into this, which I tend to do often, but I am feeling really lonely lately. I realize I need to get out, but it is hard to do alone, and most of my friends are married. But I still feel like I fit into that category, not single.