Our Anniversary...

A year ago I was surprised by a spontaneous stay at our favourite B&B. We had gotten the kids all away for the weekend, and were able to spend it together. WE both had work off, so while we were deciding what to do we passed the castle and made up our mind. we ordered our meals in, and ate junk food all weekend. Watched several of our favourite movies, and enjoyed a nice bathtub we both fit in... with bubbles. We hadn't packed anything and so we went to the nearby shopping center and purchased comfy clothes, for our brief outings, and toothbrushes. When we returned we decided to do something fun, just us still... so we went to Boondocks. There were several families there with their kids, and we felt a little guilty not having ours... now I am grateful for that time spend just us. We had a blast, were given happy birthday bracelets for our anniversary (I buried him with his). I carry the leftover tokens for the batting cage in my wallet. I am so glad we got new phones that day, I have a few pictures of him from that because of it...

 This year for my anniversary, the kids knew it would be a tough one for me, so my sweet daughter planned and organized some wonderful surprises for me. Made my favourite dinner, gave me a basket with my favourite treats, had friends write me notes that they were thinking of me. It was hard to not have him there to celebrate... our first one not together... but I was grateful for my sweet kids that helped me through it.

Who am I now?

I always thought I had a pretty good grasp of who I was. What I wanted out of life. Where I was planning to go. There had been several bumps, and forks in my path, but I was always able to know where I was heading personally.

I loved being married. I am not in touch with many friends from high school. Sure I am "friends" with them on facebook... but that is it. I have always had several friends, but they always seemed to change with where I am in my life. As a woman I felt I was always expected to have a best friend... that was a girl. But the truth was my closest friends I could talk to were boys. SO when I married, and I married young, most of my friends went different ways, and I lost touch with all my guy friends, since it wasn't really "appropriate" to continue those close friendships. But with Kris, he knew that I related better, so always included me when he would have his friends over. So I could laugh with them and joke with them.

I am not saying I don't have any girl friends, I have some amazing ones right now and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just miss the joking around with guys, and hearing their point of view, and yes even the crude stuff I would often just roll my eyes at.

I miss flirting, I loved being a tease and flirting with Kris in front of his friends, I loved them teasing him when I would push it enough to embarrass him. I loved when he would come in my line at my cashier benefit job, and I could totally tease and mess around with him, and watch other customers act a little shocked until I explained he was my husband. I loved when he would come and watch me teach, even if it was for a brief moment. Only a couple weeks before he came in and watched me. I remember seeing him and smiling wondering what he was thinking. After class he told me how much he liked watching me, and he could tell how much I loved it... even when I was yelling.

I have tried going to widow groups and getting to know others who are going through what I am... but they don't know the me from before, so I don't think they get me. My friends are awesome, but I don't think they truly get what I am going through. I am grateful because I have recently reconnected with a friend from jr high and high school... he knew Kris as well, but more important he knows me from before. But I worry a little because he didn't know the married me. The kids kinda get it... but they are kids, and don't understand what I am going through.

I want to feel like me again. I want to finish school, I want to have a career, I want to raise great kids, I want them to succeed, But I don't think I know who I want to be anymore...

Death

Death is NOT fair... it strikes unfairly and hit hard. It has taken my mother, my husband, and now a close friend who was like a grandfather far to soon. Cancer was a factor in all of their losses as well as in both of my grandmothers premature death. My dear friends whose grandfather it was have had to deal with the loss of both their grandfather and their grandfather since February of this year. I have found several widow and loss help websites and they have all been affected by huge losses as well. Perhaps this death being the most recent close death I have experienced since losing Kris it has affected me harder. I know how my close friends are feeling losing their father, husband, grandfather, brother, friend, I am just aching cause I know how painful it is... and I know there is NO way to take away that pain. It is so unfair... and I am so sorry they also have to go through this.

Been a while...

I used to like seeing the gaps in my posts here, I felt it meant I was getting better in dealing with my grief, but my last post proved way opposite. I had held in in for much to long, it exploded. I lashed out with the emotion only a loss like mine could create... an emotion I had kept bottled for far too long. So after that rather depressing post, I got online a couple hours later and felt the warm encouragement, and true understanding of where that emotion came from. But to be honest going back and reading it was a little scary. Scary that after 38 weeks I still have that kind of raw emotion that needs an outlet.

I have tried to not hold it in all the time, if it hits, let it come. I have however still refrained from breaking down in front of my children, who seem to have been having an equally tough time. It still isn't easy, and I am still overwhelmed with everything going on right now plus my emotions. SO I have cut down a little on obligations, and I have tried to find time weekly to make to the cemetery where I feel I can express my emotions in private.

The other thing I have noticed since going back and reading, is that I am almost trying to not remember things about him. It has been so long since I posted a memory or something that reminds me of him. How can I expect the kids to remember how great he is, if I avoid writing down what made him that way?

So here is a memory. SPAM. He loved spam, and I could NEVER understand why. I complained every time he would get it, and finally he stopped getting it because he was tired of me complaining about it. SO the other day in the store (I rarely did the grocery shopping either, he liked it more than I did, since he did most of the cooking) and there it was, SPAM. I laughed to myself, and bought a couple cans. THen I got home and the girls whined, even after I told them why I got it, they refused to eat it when I cooked some up. And it was gross and I will probably never buy it again, except it really made me laugh that day.

Not in a good place...

I am not in a good place right now, I am so overwhelmed lately, and I feel like i ma just burying myself deeper and deeper behind my grief to try and cover it. I am not one that likes to ask for help, I am stubborn and independent and to admit I feel like I am failing is hard for me. But I am failing, I am failing in school, in work, in being a parent, in taking care of myself and the house... I feel like I need Kris here to talk to and it can't happen. I fall asleep and catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of him in a dream and I will myself to fall asleep. I want someone close to me to be there, but they have their own families, their own issues to work through... I am alone in this. I think what hurts most is I know the kids can feel my despair... they are pushing limits, doing things they never would have dared, and I am finding myself further and further from ... myself. I met a couple other widow(er)s from a group and I thought it would help... and while they can truly sympathize, they have their own issues and I am alone still. I hate being alone... I have never done well alone, and I have never had to be alone for any length of time. Growing up I had my parents, while Kris was away with the military I had my parents, when I lost my mom, I had Kris... I have always had someone as invested in me and my family and my interests until now. Now the kids are always fighting... and jump at every chance to go with friends, I find myself curled up in bed (which is still the couch) more and more often. I just want him here. I want my best friend that loved me and understood me. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want my kids to have a dad here backing me up when I can't say no. I want him. I miss him. I am tired of pretending I don't hurt. Help

Lost Limb

A friend and I went to see soul surfer at the movie theater tonight, it was just suppose to be a quick night out... but it truly got me thinking. I sobbed through the whole thing, and wondered why... until on the way home it dawned on me, when I lost him, I lost a limb. I lost a crucial part of myself that day, a part that I will never truly get back. I will be able to do many of the things I did before, just as I did before... but somethings I did before will be harder.

There were parts from the movie, that go along with my religion... that God has a plan for me... that I am still at odds with, but it did get me thinking. Why would God take him from me? from our kids? I may never know... and part of me would prefer not to know... what would I need to learn by taking my husband from me?

But overall I loved the hope it gave me... it will be a struggle for a while, until I find a new way to adapt... and I don't have to "win" or do things perfectly... just trying is HUGE...

A switch...

When I started this blog I wrote when I was having a hard time, a tough day, or especially missing him... now I find I am trying to write on positive days, and avoid writing when I am too emotional. I liked seeing how much I had improved I think.

But I have been having such a tough time lately, and I think I hate having to admit it. He was the chatty neighbor everyone was out talking to late into the summer nights, I hate pulling up and not seeing him standing there. I am feeling so overwhelmed lately, and I hate to admit I am overdoing it, I feel like that is admitting failure of some sort. I took on things to better our situation, some before we lost him, some after.

I hate the type of parent I have become, I hate being the bad guy all the time, it is easier to give in, and I hate what my kids are becoming because of it.

I am tired of having to be the strong one, and hearing how strong or well I am doing. Can they not see lately I am barely holding mine and my kids lives together. I think they are trying to help, but it only makes me feel worse. Like a false praise you don't deserve. Why should I be complimented on how I am doing without him? The days I think go the best... end in me sobbing, feeling guilty I AM getting by ok without him... I am not suppose to be ok without him, aren't I?

I miss having my best friend who is there solely for me... I have to be there for my kids, who are all at the stage where they are only there for their friends or themselves. My in-laws call to check on me and they end up telling me the same crap, I am doing so well, you are so strong, etc. and then end asking how I am doing it, they can't handle it, and cry to to me. My brother and sister have their own families so can only be there so often. And my dad, who is also a widow, whom I thought I could count on for help and support has remarried, and I feel has forgotten I need my daddy more than ever. I have great friends who are really trying, but my married friends still have a hubby to go home to... I want him back.