It has been quite a while...

I am not doing as well as I had hoped I would this far out, 3+ years. While I am feeling empowered for things I have done on my own, bought a car, totaled a car and dealt with the aftermath, leased a car, moved, went back to school, taken vacations etc. I have fallen short in many aspects as well, my house is a wreck, I feel I am a poor example to my kids, I am behind in homework, I am constantly playing catch up with bills, I rarely cook, etc. Now look at the difference between those two statements, I freely claim all my so called inadequacies, but simply list my accomplishments with a preemptive "I". Why is it so hard for me to recognize when I do something good? Why am I so tough on myself? Why is it so hard to pull myself out of this depression I find myself constantly entrapped in? Why can't I find my personal happiness? I miss my husband so much, that when I hit these lows, or mess up something so royally, I blame it on my missing my husband. I am depressed because I miss him. I don't clean because no one appreciates it or encourages it. When am I going to be able to take full responsibility for my own accomplishments and happiness? I find myself constantly comparing years after my loss... the first I was just numb and managed to get by. The second was tough because I had to face everything with out the cloud of numbness. The third had it's ups and downs, while sometimes I had my high points, but then I would crash hard, making it tougher to recover and pull myself up. This fourth year has been much the same, but I want it to be my year, my year I rediscover myself. I don't want to continue to slip deeper into bad habits, but continue to climb my way back to the top, to a place where I know Kris would be proud of me, where I can be proud of me, where I can be a good example for my children. SO somehow I need to figure out how to do this, and set detailed goals to get there... I love making lists, why not make a productive one?

3 years

I thought I would be "over" this by now.
I thought I would have gotten good at it.
I had expected to have proven I am strong enough to handle it.

I keep telling myself it will get better, and we are doing fine.

But the truth is, I lie to myself.

I tell my brain we are doing it, but my body knows. It knows every year as November approaches it is another anniversary, no matter how hard I try not to acknowledge it. I try to cover up the tragic date with acts of kindness in memory of him. But somehow my loss still over shadows it.

I trick myself into thinking I am doing good because I get to where I am suppose to be each day and my kids are where they go. I arrive with what sometimes feels like a fake face hiding behind the make-up. (A trick I learned early on, if you look good, people are less likely to ask how you are.)

The truth is I feel more alone than I ever did.

I lost my mom 5 and a half years ago. I lost Kris 3 years ago today. But I feel I have lost countless friends throughout my life as well. I am not always sure why I have fallen out of touch with them, but here are some thoughts on it. Some I think were close to Kris, and have a hard time seeing me with out him. The whole out of sight, out of mind thing.  Some I think we have just got such busy lives it is tough to fit one another in as often. Some I think just don't realize how much I truly need them. They think because I keep busy I am doing ok. I think what it is, is I am just much more aware of loss than I was. I truly miss when I lose contact with those whom I was close to.

Worthless...

While I know this is far from the truth, and that I do have worth, lately I am not feeling it. I know I need to be here for my children, they are the ONLY reason I get myself out of bed each morning, push myself through school, work three jobs, otherwise I would be perfectly content to simply lay in bed until I didn't wake up. I am not saying I would cause harm to myself, just that I would rather be with Kris and my mom, who always made me feel I had worth, and value... rather than be here having to convince myself I do for my kids, although they teenagers, and not too keen on telling me they value what I do for them.
I used to be surprised talking with Kris about what motivates him with work. It was never money or benefits, but simple words of encouragement, praise, gratitude. I can see it now. It is when I feel the most alone, and worthless these thoughts of I wish I didn't wake up this morning creep into my thoughts more regularly. But on the rare occasion that one of my kids thank me, or acknowledge something, I am more motivated to help them. If someone from work or school compliments me on an assignment, or a class, I want to try harder. I think I had become so accustomed to these compliments, from Kris, my job, my younger kids, that as they have gone away, I feel my desire to do my best goes with it.
I used to be that mom, that was at every event, volunteered for everything, had cutesy parties, and invites, and giveaways for every holiday. Now I consider it a miracle if I make it to everywhere I need to be.
I think this whole aspect of widow hood never crossed my mind until my overactive mind tried to put reasons, or justifications for some poor choices I have made lately. I don't want to go into those reasons right now, until I feel I have resolved them with myself. But I do wish to offer a warning to my widow friends, and anyone else struggling right now. Don't give into flattery from silver tongued people. By certain they have you and your best interest at heart, if there is any question avoid them.

I am a mess!

There, I admitted it... now isn't that usually the first step? Sure there are several factors that have contributed to my self proclaimed "mess" but what finally brought me to the point of admitting it? To put it simply... that I am a fraud. I try to not only fool myself into believing I am doing better than I really am, but I convince myself I have tricked my near and dear family I am fine as well... since the only one who truly knew me well enough to know when I was faking is dead.

I go from thinking I have come up with a perfect "balance" of grieving. I set aside a time and a place to let my tears escape. But then when I realize I am not really in that much control, I start just denying myself those emotions that need to escape. I haven't been to the cemetery in nearly 2 months... the longest ever since he has been gone. Instead of letting myself cry in the shower, or watch a sad movie that will give me the excuse to cry, I leave little time to shower that long, or avoid movies. When I am feeling those emotions force their way into my already busy schedule, I shut down. That's right, rather than let myself admit how much I am still suffering from the loss of my husband, I trick myself into thinking if I just go to sleep for a couple hours it will pass when I wake up.

Now if I had done this when I was healthy and fine I would have caught it right away that depression was sinking in... but nope it started just before the holidays, when it is "normal" to be depressed, it is seasonal, I am going on a great vacation so it will be fine once I get there, I am sick so I need sleep... anyway I try to justify it the fact is I am depressed, again. Problem is the medication that has worked really well for me the last almost 20 years seems to now make me kinda sick to my stomach, and I don't have health insurance to go try something new until I find the one that works.

Now that is just the tip of the iceberg as to why I am a mess. This whole post is about me sorting out how I do, with writing to figure out why I am such a mess.

I am suppose to start back at school tomorrow, my classes were all set up, until I failed one I had to pass. I have spent the last couple weeks trying to sort it out and make it work, when I began to question if teaching English is what I really want to do. I feel like I need to finish my dance degree, the closer I get to being done with school, the more I realize I don't want to be done with dance. I know I will always have a place with teaching dance at my studio, but I don't know if that is enough. Am I just questioning it because I failed one class? Maybe I am just burned out with school right now. Either way I am suppose to start something tomorrow and I don't even know for certain what it will be.

This whole dating thing... it is killing me. My first dating experience I had mentioned was with a good friend I grew up with, and he recently got involved in a relationship. I am so happy for him, but it made me realize some things. When I reached out to date him, I thought I was ready to try dating. I was tired of being alone that first year and wanted something. He only agreed to go out with me because of our history, he was not ready for something yet, as he still felt broken. As I dated him and and others. I realized I was ready for anything romantic. I liked dating him because it was familiar, and comfortable, but not romantic, nor did I ever feel it needed to be. He was what I needed. I think I was what he needed as well, because he was then ready when the right person came into his life to try a relationship. So in this past year I have experimented on and off with online dating... and I am again having serious doubts as to whether or not I am ready for it. My inbox is so flooded with unanswered messages it would take me replying to just those and nothing else next week and still not be caught up. But perhaps I am doing it all wrong... I mean do you answer politely every guy that writes? How long do you message before giving your number? If they ask for a second date, but you feel no "sparks" how do you politely decline? I have considered just accepting every invite and writing a book on it... a guide to online dating so to speak... then I bawl my way through "you've got mail", after my initial laughter at how funny hearing the internet connect from 15 years ago, I realize can be nice... and sometimes the writing back and forth is nice...

I have gotten sucked into TV much more lately. I can't think of the last book I read because I wanted to. My house needs some serious organizing attention (I really miss the days when I was so organized). My kids are growing up so fast, Bren will be 18 in less than a month and he talks about moving out and it scares me for him. I hate that Kris isn't here to help me make sure we have given him everything he needs to begin conquering the adult world. It was very comforting to watch Weslie at 15 play legos with Clayton 10 and still use imagination and make up games. I didn't even make them clean them up, or get mad because they weren't cleaning their rooms like they were suppose to, I still have "kids". I hate realizing they are growing up, because tat just seems to put me closer to being alone.

I should be celebrating my victories, but instead I just want to be in bed feeling sorry for myself. I want to get out and be with other people besides my kids all day, but I make excuses when invited. I want to feel motivated and organized, and have everything planned out, but I know from experience it doesn't always work that way.

Drowning

This week marks two years since I lost Kris. Some days I think I am a rock star and can do no wrong! I get homework done on time, I get bills paid on time, the house doesn't look like a complete wreck and the kids all manage to shower and dress in clean clothes... then there is lately...

I am questioning everything I do, every decision I make, my kids, my job, my school... I feeling like I have been barely staying afloat, that flapping around trying not to drown for so long that I can't even doggy paddle... 

I should be fine financially, but every month I feel like I barely make it. I am borrowing from friends and family so I have gas money to go to school and work. I am pawning anything of value not immediately needed for food the last week of each month. And now my rent has gone up a 100 dollars a month, I am tired of having to do it all. I am dreading when the kids get their licenses because I know insurance will go up, and I will need a new car... My car is slowly going down hill and needs some serious repairs. I know I need to do more home meals and less fast food, but when we truly have limited time between work, school activities, and kids stuff and it gets to be 10 o'clock and they are hungry... it is what happens. I try to do the crock pot meals or the frozen ones, but you have to be home to do so... I know everyone's solution/suggestion is to 1) have my kids cut down on extra stuff and 2) have the teens get a job... there are problems with those... I want them to focus on school... they are finally getting it together after Kris died, why would I want to upset it again? They need their extra stuff to keep busy, plus it will help when they want to explore colleges, and why limit their potential? Besides with a job I am back to my dilemma of how to get them their with one car and one driver... and if I get another car/driver there goes my tight budget again. 

Then there is my school, I am drowning in homework, everytime I think I have a minute to work on it, the kids need to be here or there. By the time night hits and the kids are in bed I am exhausted and can't focus on anything! Then there are my options... a) if I bust my ass off and work hard I can complete my teaching requirements in spring and summer semesters, making me eligible for an internship, which would be great! It could turn into a job, I would get full benefits and half pay, it would could as my student teaching and my first year teaching (meaning I would start my second official year at a year 2 pay raise). I just don't want to overwhelm myself for this option, when I am already there... but it could be the best getting my a job teaching faster, and increase my income solving another stress, but I would have to pay for summer semester out of my spring student loans, meaning I will have to be very disciplined (I pay ahead on some bills so I am not too tight throughout school) I would also need to continue to take some dance classes on the side to complete my dance endorsement because I will be over full time as it is, and still need certain classes for the endorsement...meaning I can be teaching by fall 2013... b) Stay on the track I am on, graduating in three semesters and taking a couple dance classes a semester which I will still have a couple classes I need for my endorsement once I start teaching, but will be closer, and will have my full teaching degree... meaning I can be teaching my 2014...c) take an extra year and complete both my English degree and dance degree so I won't have to take any classes while I am teaching... but this will add to my student loans, but they will still be available, and it will help secure me a job... teaching by 2015... I just don't know what to do :(

Then there is my mess of a house, how can it get so messy when we are never here except to sleep? I try to catch up on it, but then I realize I have homework due, or the kids have something. I know it needs to happen, but I just can't seem to find the time. Kris was the one who would make certain it got done, I am so disorganized as well and I hate it, but I can't find the time or energy to do anything about it. (sure I could/should be doing it now, but all this has been building up and if I don't voice it I will explode on the wrong person... again [I will get to that later]) 

The kids things, I am so busy with fulfilling both roles as mother and father, I feel like they are both lacking a great deal... I have not been as focused on Clay and school as I should be, he is not doing well in school academically and I have not encouraged it, I was so good and on top of it with the others, because I had help... Kris did homework and made dinner while I was at work, I did it when I was home and he would run kids everywhere. There is a reason we are meant to parent together... be so grateful for that help if you still have it! I have not been as on top of Bren's scouts as I should have been, and he is barely going to be able to pull off this eagle, as long as I keep on top of it. The girls I feel are doing better, but I am still not as involved as I once was, and I feel that because of that they are trying to handle things alone that I should be there with them doing. 

I can't think of the last time I did something selfish for me, something I wanted just for me, and I miss Kris making sure I did, because he saw value in having time for ourselves. He would force it on me even if I didn't want it, and I would be so grateful after recognizing I needed it. I miss having him here because he was so in tune with what I needed, even when I wasn't. The day before he died I blew up at the kids school for hanging up on me and being rude... He calmly told me he would handle it and he did. I miss his calm approach to things, it was consistent, even if he had an immediate response, he knew the benefit of remaining clam... I don't, especially when I get protective of my kids... I react and ask questions after... he would assess it, ask questions and respond accordingly... I did it again today... I reacted protecting my child, and attacked a family friend. I thought I was being a good parent and handling it, but I attacked before questioning it, and I may have hurt a good friendship because of it. I had so many things (obviously) that that had been my final straw and I took it out on the entirely wrong person.

I miss going to him for advice... I can ask around, and friends and family all have their opinions, but they are not directly affected by in so they are not as invested to look at all the options... I question myself daily on everything, especially for the kids. I am failing slowly as a parent and I feel I am reaching a point I may not be able to recover from.

I am not happy about any aspect of me. I hate constantly questioning myself, I hate how I react, I hate feeling like i need to always put on a front, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate me more and more... and I am usually the one most impressed with myself. 

I miss my friends, I have no time for them, and I need them, they are who I need to buoy me up right now. I love my job and I love being involved in the Nutcracker, but I am so overwhelmed by everything right now, the Thanksgiving break can't come fast enough. I miss Kris. I knew when the anniversary of his passing came and went I and I was fine... it would come, it would hit, and here it is. I am broken. I feel as though I am beyond repair sometimes... I think I need to go to the cemetery for a good cry... 

2 years...

While it seems like forever, and yet also so recent, it has been exactly two years since I lost my husband. I miss him.

Rainy day...

Maybe it is the drizzling rain, or just the atmosphere that it seems to bring with it, but it is on days like this I really find myself missing Kris. I need to leave for work in 15 minutes, and yet I have been sitting here sobbing for 45 mins, when the kids all left for school. I just want him to be there for me, hold me tell me things will work out. I want him here to talk to the kids when they are struggling. I am not the patient one, he is. So then after crying uncontrollably for some time I decide to look at pictures, and cry more, then I play his voice clips, and cry more, and now I can't stop. I was already stressed, and I thought I had been doing good, then I have these break downs, and I just want him back. I think I trick myself, I tell myself I am doing good, to look at what I have accomplished, that I am being strong for the kids... but I think it is me trying to lure me into a false comfort zone so I can continue to fake it. Because I feel like these breakdowns (and while they have become much less frequent) are how I feel all the time... but I simply suppress the emotions that want to come out. Then I fell like this broken person pretending to be ok. I am good at this "OK" me. I have returned to school, and done pretty good, maintained my job, pushed the kids in their school, even made myself start to date (although the only one I have enjoyed is with a friend I have know for years, and knew I was comfortable with him). SO what is wrong with me? Do I sabotage myself with these breakdowns? Or is it because I try to restrain them I fall apart so completely when they hit? Last year I was given the opportunity to have family pictures done by a photo studio, I declined it because I was not ready see those family pictures, with a huge someone missing from them. They told me to call anytime when I was ready to do them, and I thought maybe this year I am ready... but this breakdown shows I am not. I have had several widowed friends recently remarry... and they were widowed around the same time as I was... and at first I think I am so jealous that they have found happiness again, but then I realize I am not ready... I don't want anyone except Kris... I began writing because I thought it would help sort out my thoughts and calm me down before work, but that has not been the case, I am still sobbing, and now need to leave (but get ready first)... I want to be done with this...